Page 50 of Dual
My palm's pounding the stall back before I'm quite thinking about what I'm doing. "Says who, bitch? You? Whatcha gonna do about it?"
My hand covers my lips the second the words are out of my mouth. But then I hold the cigarette between my teeth as I yank up my underwear, shove the rest of my skirt down, flush, and scoot out the door.
I blow one more gust of smoke in the other stall's direction before putting the cigarette out on the counter and booking it out the bathroom door.
It was wild and immature and I feel high with the teenage hijinks of it all as I skirt back down the caterer's hallway.
It only feels like I can really breathe again once I'm outside in the cool December air. I lean against one of the building's pillars, wipe away the last of my tears, and light up my cigarette again.
I don't take another puff, I just hold it in between my first two fingers. Fucking Mads. Must be nice to be her and not have to follow all the rules all the time. I flick some gathered ash off the end of the cigarette.
Tonight's been like a fairytale dream.
I watch the smoke sadly curl from the end of the cigarette. But all dreams come to an end. Maybe it's time to face reality. I'm prancing around everywhere like I can escape my pastand play happy family. I can see that Domhn tries the same when he's with me, too.
But I bet he doesn't have to play pretend when he's with her.
What the hell am I even doing?
It's just like with this Christmas gala. I'm playing at being a family just like I've been playing at Christmas.
I don't actuallyknowwhat any of this is supposed to really be like. I just want it because I never had it, and that makes me want it even harder. Even if I don't exactly know whatitis.
What the hell would I even do with a baby?
I don't know anything about babies.
Gravity drags me down to the stoop, and I land hard, feeling more desolate than I have in a long time.
Familyis a word heavy with meaning made so ugly that I feel this compulsive need to wash it clean and make it new again. But maybe it'll always just be ugly and I'll always be this fucked up girl whose trauma split me down the middle like an axe and heaved into two pieces.
Maybe I've still just been playing pretend like I used to when I first made that box inside my head to disappear to. That was a strong enough magic that worked! Except it left behind another whole me there instead, forced to see all I wanted to hide from.
Who will bear the consequences this time?
All of a sudden, an explosion of white light in my face stuns me.
And then I'm light-headed, my whole body feeling like I'm suddenly falling even though I'm already on the ground?—
MADS
I barely have a moment to orient myself. I'm sitting down in a too-tight gown with a cigarette in my hand and some fuck-head with a giant camera in my face.
"Hey!" I shout, jamming out the cigarette on the ground and reaching for the guy's camera when?—
Pop. The flash goes off right in my face.
This little pisser.
I jump to my feet. Not easy in these ridiculous heels Anna has strapped us into. The fuck-head in front of me just dances backward, snapping more blinding shots of me.
"Give me thatfuckingcamera," I growl through my teeth.
Before I can get at him properly, a shadow suddenly overtakes me, and Domhnall's behind me. But not even a pissed off six-foot-four Irishman suddenly appearing has the guy backing off. He just keepssnap, snap, snapping.
"Delete it," Domhn demands and when the little shit continues to ignore him, Donny easily snatches him up by his shirt and starts shaking him until he yelps like the little dog he is.
I stand back and admire his work. At least until Moira—where the hell did she come from?—starts jumping in and trying to tear her brother off the guy. She's the only person in the world who's not intimidated by getting up in Donny'sspace when he gets into pissed-off bulldog mode. Gotta admire the bitch. But they both grew up scrappy, the way Donny told it.
