Page 6 of Dual
"Baby!" I declare excitedly once I get to the kitchen. "I found you."
He immediately puts down the milk he was just holding up to the espresso maker to steam and jogs across the kitchen to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and hugging me so hard he lifts me up off my feet.
"Oh!" I gasp. "Baby!" I laugh. "What's gotten into you this morning?"
"I love ya for always is all," he says through his low, rough brogue. And then he clears his throat as he sets my feet back on the ground. "And I need to tell you about last night."
"Last night?" I ask, surprised. "I just went out with the girls…" I say, but even as the words come out of my mouth, I pause, searching for memories… and come up blank.
"Mads?" I say, trying not to audibly sigh.
"Mads," he confirms.
I wag my eyebrows at him. "Did you fuck? Was it hot?" I'm always telling him he doesn't have to feel guilty about that, but he always comes to me with such hangdog expressions the next day. I hope that asking him to tell me about it will make him feel like we're all in this together.
His hands slide away from my hips as he pulls back.
"Why do I feel like I'm in a poly relationship with my own fiancée?"
That, of all he's said, is what makes my heart clench.
My words stutter as I whisper my worst fear out loud, but I have to know: "Is this too much for you?"Am I too much for you?
"What? No. Of course not!" He comes back and wraps his arms around my waist, hugging me but keeping enough distance so he can look me in the eye. "I can only imagine how hard this is on you. I'm afraid this is upsetting you, but you're trying to cover it up and not telling me because you don't want to upset me."
I'm the one pulling back this time. I stamp my foot in frustration. "What else can I do to convince you? All I have are my words. It's all me. I'll never get upset when you connect with her. We're not just in one body—it's one mind, too. Why won't you trust me when I tell you it's okay to sleep with her? It's still me expressing my love for you."
"I hear you, I just?—"
"This is so frustrating! Do you think I'm a liar?"
"What? No! Of course not." He steps closer.
I lift my hands to settle them on his chest. "Then believe me when I say things."
"Okay, okay," he says, voice softening. He strokes his fingers through my hair, tucking it behind my ears.
I look him in the eyes, trying not to feel exasperated as I repeat what I've been saying for months now. "Then believe me when I tell you it's all me. She is me. I am her. We're all just facets of the same me."
Domhnall nods, but I still don't think he understands.
I get it. I really do. I can barely keep everything straight in my head about how all this works some days. And others, I feel her and me co-existing in the same space, like we're in parallel universes that are becoming almost parallel. Like, in my timeline, I didn't experience as horrific a childhood, and I'm who we could have been.
And she's the me from the universe where we did have a monstrous father.
But in that case, I'm the trespasser.
I stole her happiness after everything she endured to getus here. So, of course, I want her to have Domhn and her happy ending. I want that for her so fervently.
Almost as much as I want him for myself.
Because that's the rub. For all my altruistic feelings and good wishes, I won't give up Domhn for her. I won't… go away.
"Mads went to the club when it was closed, then messaged pretending to be you, wanting me to meet her there."
"We only have one phone number."
"Then you should start signing your texts as you or her."
