Page 89 of Dual
I try again, putting more intention into the mental summons. “Mads,please. I need to understand what’shappening. I’m sorry I tried to send you away. But I need you back. Donny needs you.”
For a heartbeat, I think I feel something—a whisper of presence, like someone standing just behind me, out of sight. But when I turn in my mental landscape, there’s no one there. Just an empty beach stretching in both directions.
I stay in the meditation for what feels like a long time, calling out to Mads in different ways, trying different approaches.
Sometimes pleading, sometimes demanding, sometimes just sitting in silence, hoping she’ll appear on her own terms.
But the beach remains empty, the space beside me unclaimed.
And then, I can’t tell how long I’ve been sitting in the meditational space, but suddenly it’s not the beach in front of me or the ocean in the background I’m seeing and hearing.
I’m in a dark room, and someone is crying.
A slanting flash of light brightens hazel eyes in front of me in a small, round face, as if a door’s just opened in the dark.
Oh my?—
Goosebumps rise, the flash of old fear.
But it’s not my father appearing at the door.
Shhh. I’m here, little love.
It’s my mother’s soothing voice and figure slipping in the door. Quickly, she scoops up my little brother from the bed beside me and walks hurriedly back out of the room.
Over her shoulder, my brother’s eyes find me. His intelligent eyesare wide in his otherwise scrunched, fearful face as she takes him away from me.
As both of them leave me forever, fleeing my father.
The pain of their loss hits me in the gut, and I heave for breath.
My eyes burst open and I leap to my feet out of the zen meditation pose.
“What the fuck was that?” I splutter, heaving for breath and putting a hand to my racing heart. “Mads?”
There’s still no answer. I blink in confusion and look around. My legs are stiff from sitting so long, and the light has shifted, casting longer shadows across the floor. Did I drift off while I was meditating? Was that just a dream? Or a memory?
I know I had a brother once, but only because Mads says so. Those memories are usually locked away from me.
I feel drained, disappointed, and not at all closer to finding Mads than I was before. I wish I could feel like the dream was a sign from her. In truth, it feels like the hauntings of a ghost.
Outside, Domhnall is no longer visible by the pool. I move stiffly toward the window, stretching out the kinks in my back and legs.
There he is—down by the main pavilion of the resort, talking to someone who appears to be one of the hiking guides, pointing toward the trails that wind up into the surrounding mesas.
Oh right. Our afternoon hike. I’d almost forgotten.
I press my forehead against the cool glass, watching Domhnall’s animated conversation. He’s been excited about this hike ever since we arrived at Amangiri. We’ve mostly stayed inside since it’s rained some since we’ve been here. There’s a spa on site we’ve visited a couple times. Otherwise we’ve spent lingering mornings in bed, making love both sweet and rough. It’ll be good for him to get out in the sunshine. The least I can do is put aside my disappointment and be fully present for it. For him.
Even if I can get Mads back, my time with him might still be short.
Instead of a honeymoon, this time might be an extended, bittersweet goodbye.
I can’t afford to waste a moment with him.
“The trail gets a bit steep here,”our guide, Melissa, warns as we approach a switchback climbing up the side of a mesa. “Take it slow and watch your footing.”
Domhnall reaches back to offer me his hand, and I take it gratefully. The hiking trail has been mostly easy so far—well-maintained and clearly marked—but the beating sunshine is starting to get to me.
