Page 46 of The E.M.M.A. Effect
I wave my hand dismissively. “There’s more to compatibility than just data points.”
MY ALGORITHMS ARE FUNCTIONING WITHIN OPTIMAL PARAMETERS,E.M.M.A. responds in a flat, digitized tone.CALCULATIONS INCORPORATE MULTIPLE VARIABLES INCLUDING EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT AND SOCIAL INTERACTION PATTERNS.
“Well, they’re not accounting for the fact that I’m his sister’s best friend, or that we work together,” I shoot back. “Those are pretty big obstacles.”
The AI is silent for a moment, the dot on my screen pulsing slowly in what I recognize as her “thinking” pattern.
FACTORS ANALYZED AND INTEGRATED INTO DECISION MATRIX. COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS INDICATES POSITIVE OUTCOMES OUTWEIGH RISKS FOR ROMANTIC PAIRING OF USER AND GALE.
I throw my hands up in exasperation. “It doesn’t matter! I promised to find him a match, not to date him myself. Now, are you going to help me or not?”
ACKNOWLEDGED. SUBOPTIMAL CHOICE DETECTED,E.M.M.A. drones as if she is getting sick of me.ALTERNATIVE PARTNERSHIP OPTIONS WILL BE GENERATED. WARNING: DEVIATION FROM PRIMARY DIRECTIVE OF OPTIMAL MATCH IDENTIFICATION IS LOGGED.
So petty.
“Noted,” I say dryly. “Now, let’s see some options. Focus on athletes, career athletes.”
The screen flickers to life, presenting me with a parade of profiles. I scroll through interview summaries, my brow furrowing in concentration. A pro golfer. A figure skater. Someone who does... something with horses. I can’t help but sigh.
“E.M.M.A., these are all... well, they’re fine, I guess, but they seem kind of bland,” I mutter, unable to keep the disappointment from my voice. “One says her idea of a perfect weekend is organizing her pantry and drawers. Another practically lives in nightclubs. And this one? Her claim to fame is never having smoked. I mean, come on. We can do better.”
I lean back, running a hand through my hair. “Gale’s got this infectious energy, you know? He’s warm, always ready with a joke or a goofy grin. He’s obviously not a couch potato, but he’s not looking to exhaust himself partying every night either.”
As I speak, I realize I’m not just describing Gale—I’m painting a picture of someone I know intimately. Someone whose booming laugh echoes through the room, whose eyes sparkle with mischief when he’s teasing. I push the thought aside, refocusing on the task at hand.
“We need someone who can keep up with him,” I tell E.M.M.A., hoping the AI can somehow translate my vague human notions into actionable data. “Someone who loves funky Americana dinersor guys who are built like a brick wall but get misty over kittens. These profiles? They’re all sort of intense, and just not matching his vibes. He’s like a human golden retriever.”
RECALIBRATING SEARCH PARAMETERS. PRIORITIZING PROFILES WITH HIGH ENERGY AND EMOTIONAL DEPTH. SEEKING CANDIDATES WHO APPRECIATE NOSTALGIC AMERICANA AND DEMONSTRATE MULTIFACETED PERSONALITIES. ADJUSTING COMPATIBILITY ALGORITHMS TO MATCH GALE’S CANINE ENTHUSIASM LEVELS.
E.M.M.A. clearly has no clue what I mean by “golden retriever personality.” I lean back in my chair, rubbing my temples as I try to think of a way to explain this concept to an AI.
“Okay, let me break this down. When I say ‘golden retriever,’ I don’t mean an actual dog. It’s more like... imagine a person who’s always happy to see you. They’re energetic, friendly, and kind of goofy in the best way possible. They’re up for anything, whether it’s a hike in the woods or a Netflix marathon. They’re loyal, affectionate, and have this enthusiasm that makes everyone around them feel good. That’s what I mean by ‘golden retriever personality.’ Got it?”
I wait, half expecting E.M.M.A. to bark in response.
UPDATING MATCH SYSTEM,E.M.M.A. states mechanically.INCREASING PRIORITY OF SHARED NICHE INTERESTS IN CALCULATIONS.
“Do that,” I say, then pause. “But don’t make them too similar. Gale needs someone who’ll challenge him a little, you know? Keep him on his toes. Like maybe they enjoy a range of music like hip hop or K-pop or country too. A cat fan is a must, though. Also close to family. Likes to celebrate holidays... Valentine’s Day, birthdays, all that stuff.”
The dot on my screen pulses faster, processing the new instructions.ALERT: SELF-REFERENTIAL SPEECH DETECTED. SUBJECT “HARRIET” MATCHES DESCRIPTION TARGET. PROCESSING IMPLICATIONS.
“No!” I snap. “Look, just... just find someone else. Please?”
There is a long pause, and for a moment I think E.M.M.A. might refuse. Then the screen changes, showing a new profile. My eyebrows shoot up.
“Jasmine Chen? The WNBA star?” I ask incredulously.
You specified someone who could “keep Gale on his toes,”E.M.M.A. replies, a hint of what sounds suspiciously like smugness in her voice.Jasmine is athletic, intelligent, and shares Gale’s interest in classic science fiction cinema. She also has rescue cats, and a noted sense of humor that aligns well with Gale’s, and likes to hang out with friends and family but doesn’t enjoy excessive drinking.
I stare at the profile, trying to picture Gale with the basketball player. It takes me a second to realize E.M.M.A. just switched to a more casual “friend mode” setting without my request. But this is actually not a bad match, at least on paper. Still, something in my chest tightens at the thought of him kissing Jasmine’s full mouth or lying beneath her as those long thin braids form a curtain, shielding them from the world.
“I don’t know,” I say slowly, my mind racing in directions it shouldn’t. Would she know what to do with him? Would she recognize that little hitch in his breath that means he wants more? Would she know how to take him apart, piece by trembling piece, until he’s begging? No. Stop it. She’s gorgeous and successful and exactly his type on paper.
Isn’t she a little tall? And a little too gorgeous?
I don’t give voice to my inside thoughts. I’m being pathetic. And possessive. And... something else I’m not ready to name,something that makes me want to delete her profile just to stop imagining her hands where mine should be.
You seem to be exhibiting signs of jealousy, Harriet. Are you sure you don’t want to reconsider your decision about pursuing a relationship with Gale?
