Page 23 of Fallen Thorns
Mars meant well, I knew that, but I was an adult, capable of doing my own research and gaining my own experience.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
My laptop fired to life,all my tabs from the night before reflected in my glasses. ‘Local Man Found Dead by Riverside.’ ‘Teen Becomes Second Student Death of the Year...’ ‘Mental Health at Top Universities.’ Scrolling through the tabs, my descent into fixation became apparent: conspiracy pages, media articles and news sites — all irrelevant now. I had given up trying. All of this led me on the road to nowhere. I closed each tab before checking my emails: a clean slate, ready to start my essay. The university had sent a message to all, discussing student health and the different mental health services that could be found on campus. Individual lecturers had also taken it upon themselves to profusely remind us that they cared about our wellbeing and poured their hearts out, stating that they would always be there to talk to. I appreciated the effort, but it was just another reminder of my current situation. I muted the group chats I had unwillingly been added to.
Setting timers always helped me. Whenever I needed to get work done but was more drawn to reading a book or scribbling poetic lines, I would set a timer and sit myself away from distraction. My aim this time was not only to get my essay done, but to keep my mind off the hunger. I was preparing for it, but if I kept my brain focused on one specific area and didn’t let it wander, then nothing would get in my way.
And it worked. I sat for nearly three hours, street lamps my main light source, and completed my work.
I remember the elation I felt, the glory of conquering my cravings already.This isn’t going to be so bad.I had thought.See, you are stronger than people think you are.
Still on my high, I decided to finish off my evening with a brisk walk to relieve the growing desire. A walk never failed to distract me.
I tried to make this a part of my new routine too, just as it was back home when I would take my dog, Bess, for a walk. Every morning and night, no exceptions. It was our time, to switch off from the world. I missed her terribly. I wondered when I returned home for the winter break, if anything might have changed in the village, but then my stomach sank. Just over a month.Mum.
The realisation physicallyhurt.A needle straight into my chest.
“Shitshitshit,” I mumbled to myself in the empty corridor, gripping tightly to the hair on my forehead. Amid my confusing and terrifying new life, not once had I stopped to consider how I would go about seeing my mum like this. My mum who devoted her whole life protecting and supporting me, doing everything in her power to make me happy and safe, worrying about me day and night. And I’d do anything for her too, she’d been through so much as a single parent and deserved the world.Do I tell her?She would think I’d lost my mind. But could I hide it? How long could I hide this from Rani, even? How was I going to do this? They deserved to know, didn’t they?
Cross that bridge when you come to it,my mind said.You managed one day; you can manage many others. No one needs to know; you can be normal.
Starting down the hallway, I pushed all thoughts aside as best as I could. I was just going on a walk. I had no more responsibility for the evening. I could do this. I could get through it all. One step at a time.
I left the building, the whispering cold biting at my face in an instant. The thoughts, barely at bay, returned once again.Tell Rani. What if police find me?I turned up the path to the cathedral.What if no one believes me? How can I hide it from my mum? Won’t she question my behaviour? Bess will know. How long can I really hide like this?
“Arlo?”
I stopped short, following the voice with my eyes. There, under a pool of yellow light, with black hair and a trench coat blending in with the Victorian lamppost and city bollards, stood Ben, alone, with a half-dragged cigarette in hand.
“Arlo!” he repeated, more confidently. He casually beckoned to me with his free hand.
Why would he be here? Did he know I would be here? Where I live?I stepped across the road cautiously. “Ben?”
The dead boy beamed. “Fancy seeing you here!”
“Yes...”
Ben cocked his head, eyes quizzical. “You think Mars sent me to keep an eye on you.” It wasn’t a question.
I sighed. That was exactly what I thought.
“They didn’t. I promise.”
I gave a snort of disbelief.
“As much as I want you to be safe,” he took a final drag of his cigarette before extinguishing it under foot, “this is merely a coincidence. Though I really do hope you’ll reconsider our offer of protection.”
Before I’d even had the chance to ask my next question, he answered with a gentle laugh. “I’m currently living nearby, just for a few months whilst we record. Sometimes I need some quiet time to myself, and I like the view from here,” he gestured to the vast cathedral before us, “it keeps me relaxed.”
My shoulders loosened. “Alone time is nice,” I said, taking a confident step closer.
“People forget how important it is.”
I lit up at that.
“It’s not that I don’t love company, I do. I love my partner and my band, and of course, The Thorns, but I also love being on my own, to get away from things for a while. Sometimes it all gets a bit too much, you know?”
I couldn’t believe I was finally having a conversation with someone who could relate to how I felt.
