Page 36 of Fallen Thorns
It’s funny isn’t it, how I sat there contemplating the idea I could die, as if I hadn’t been left dead in the back alley of a restaurant just over a month earlier. If I had known I was to die that night, would I have done something different? Cancelled my date? Walked the other way? Of course I would have. So why was I now cradling my knees in my stuffy dorm room, thinking about my impending second death as if it were even a topic of debate? I wanted to live. Even if ‘living’ had adopted a new definition entirely. I still breathed the same air, still felt the same sun, the same ground.So what am I doing?
Mars’ words rang through my mind on a loop.‘You’re not weak.’
People say that when they think they know what you’re thinking as though they believe they’re one step ahead. They think they can win you over by proving they can read what’s on your mind. And yet, something still shifted in me.
You’re not weak.
Mars cared. It was written all over them. Was I really going to let them down?
I eyed the bag. It was a lot bigger than the other ones, the ones I — for whatever reason — never discarded. Maybe I always knew I’d have to come back to them eventually. I never really thought too far into the future, but I really believed I had everything figured out.
Mars had made me realise I wasn’t just living for me. People actually did care about me. How could I be so selfish?
I had my mum, Bess, Rani. Hell, maybe even Mars after all. They saved my life — now maybe even more than once.
The darkness. That thing inside me… I could feel it getting stronger, slowly sewing itself into my soul, one painful stitch at a time.
Okay.
I closed my eyes.
It falls silent for an hour or so. The interlude, if you were. Two humans circle the building like vultures, that night creature sitting with their back against the corridor wall with an expression I can only read as pain torn across their face.
“I didn’t think he’d be that bad.” One of the humans says, nursing a coffee from the nearby building.
“I wish I’d known before; I feel as if this is all somehow my fault.” The other states, chewing at her fingernails. A disgusting human habit.
The creature remains silent in the hallway, occasionally tipping their ear to the door, waiting for signs of movement.
I grow tired of watching them after a while.
The great and heroic act of friendship is the exact entertainment I had hoped for this dull evening. So concerned for his wellbeing. Keeping an eye out, never being too far away.
You can’t stop a fire with pity though.
Mars sat outside,or at least I presumed it was Mars at the time. It would have made sense. They wanted to allow me the freedom of privacy and yet still be there in case of an emergency. I should have been more grateful, yet spite still pricked in me.I am not a child.
But I knew better than to continue what I started.
The bag lay before me, warm and sweet liquid swimming within. I paced my room, building up the courage.This is the right thing,I kept telling myself.
I had never allowed myself to think of it properly before, but it finally hit me then, as clear as day. I was so ignorant towards my own existence; how could I have ever thought I’d be able to maintain that lifestyle? But the answer hit me just as easily. I never did think of the future. It all stemmed from that. There was never an end goal in sight — just the present and my existence for that exact moment there and then. I never looked ahead. Ever. Even when I tried, I would be overcome with a wave of nausea and a heavy pit would open up deep in my chest, behind my heart, behind my soul.You’ll never make it that far anyway.
I slammed my palm out flat onto my desk, a rustle of clothes echoed outside the door.
Deep breaths, Arlo.
I’m not weak.
I picked up the bag.
Not weak.
Held it in my hands, eyeing the corner.
Not weak.
It’s not hard. Nothing bad is going to happen.
