Page 40 of Fallen Thorns
Carmen stormed off and my friend looked back at me with that same sympathetic look she reserved only for me. She worried too much.
“How are you feeling?” she asked calmly, slightly stroking my right kneecap with her thumb.
My fists instinctively balled, straining against the cuffs. Rani followed my movement with sorrow in her eyes.
“It’s just a precaution. For your own safety more than anything else. You... you need help Arlo.”
I dropped my head and blinked slowly. “I know,” I whispered my admission and an aching silence fell between us.
“You are safe now though. Do you understand that?”
“I don’t know what I did.” Repressed fear manifested in my voice; I had given up pretending.
“I know, I know. But it’s okay.” Her voice was soothing, kind.
“Is it?” My chest bore immeasurable weight as the words squeezed their way out.
She nodded in artificial reassurance. A delayed promise.
Never in my life had I felt guilt as strong as I did that day, like a criminal on death row begging for help, but to no avail. I was a monster.Why do people keep saving me?
“Rani, I...” I needed to know. “Did I kill someone?” The night flickered in inadequate flashes, my mind grasping for consciousness in the midnight light.
Blood. That’s all I saw.
“No, no.” She stroked my leg. “You didn’t harm anyone.”
“But the blood...”
She shook her head, though I had little strength to probe any further. The guilt was mauling me alive. I clenched my fists again as if I thought I could best them, as I so often tried on those dreaded mornings where I would awaken in a bout of sleep paralysis and convince myself I was strong enough to force my way out of it. But I’d lost all faith in myself then, or more, I feared my own strength. Afraid that if I pushed too much, I’d lock more of my humanity away and embrace the creature I had become… I just wasn’t ready to face that yet.
Instead, I relaxed my body and closed my eyes; another technique learned from the stress and horrors of when my mind was awake, but my body wasn’t. It calmed me somewhat, but I knew it wasn’t the same — it wasn’t even close. I longed for hours of just lying there, aching to come face to face with all the horrible things that had ever happened in my life because none would come close to the painful isolation that came with being strapped to a chair, overcome with excruciating regret that I had done unspeakable damage toeverything.
When I opened my eyes, my friend had not moved an inch from her spot below me.
“Do you know what I am?” My burning question. My most feared.
Rani nodded.
“I’m sorr...”
“Stop that,” she cut me off. “Don’t even think about finishing that sentence. You have nothing to be sorry for. Gosh, we’re back here again, aren’t we?” She stood and straightened out her trousers. “I understand why you hid this from me,” she gestured to our surroundings, “and I’m not going to stand here and say I wasn’t a little bit hurt at first because I was, I thought of a million reasons why it hurt, but that doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve known you long enough to know that you did all this to protect me and everyone around us. You didn’t want me to get caught up in all of...” She gestured with her hands again, “whatever this is. You thought you could keep it to yourself and pretend you were perfectly alright and there was nothing to be concerned about. Well, unlucky for you, I know all about this now and...” She held up a hand to halt my intrusion, “I am well aware of the risks and am fully willing to be part of this world if it means that I can keep my best friend alive for the remainder of my life. Yes, that’s you. My best friend. Never forget that.”
She clasped her hands over her mouth to smother the hysterical laugh that followed. “Gosh this... I cannot believe this is real.”
I watched her thoughts unfold — her hands were shaking.How long has she known?
And as if she had just read my mind, she answered. “You know I was concerned about you. You have a lot going on in your head that you never discuss, and while it’s not my place to pry, I knew this was something else. You were physically and mentally wasting away in front of me, and I couldn’t do anything about it. It all happened so fast. One moment I catch you slicing open your palm and feeding like a lamb, the next I’m hushed and hauled around a corner to face these haunting blue eyes. It was Carmen, and she told me everything.” Her pace finally slowed. “I know you maybe would have told me eventually, in your own time, but I believe this way was better. She explained to me how they were looking out for you, and I thought that meant she had just witnessed what I had, but I learned only last night she had just seen you feeding, she didn’t know what you were feedingon. None of them had any idea what you were really doing, only had the physical evidence you were not using what they gave you. I didn’t understand the severity of it all; it was all just thrust upon me, and I had no choice but to accept it and absorb what I could. I could have warned them...”
She inhaled deeply to calm herself, clearly trying not to deter from the main story. “Carmen had briefly spoken to me the day before and I recognised her from around campus. She’s the year above us, actually, and so we got chatting, and realised we had a lot in common.” Rani had begun to smile, but hid it once she sensed her own reaction, a moment after I did.
“Now I’m not naïve. I instantly pieced together she was only befriending me so she could get closer to you. I confronted her about it and she just laughed in return. ‘Of course,’ she said, thenwinkedat me. I felt betrayed but laughed it off — I mean, I barely knew her anyway, but that’s beside the point...” Rani shook her head then sighed. “Look, what I’m trying to say is, I’m glad I found out sooner rather than later because now I can be here for you always and...” she looked at my face, the glistening sheen in her eyes fading. “Oh Arlo,I’mso sorry.” She leaned in for a protecting hug and I sensed her pounding heart, the weakness of her limbs, yet the hunger never arrived. I was so full.Oh, god.
“Arlo.”The voice pulled us apart and we both looked over to the arched entrance where Marianne stood, dressed in generic attire this time: jeans and a jumper, I noted. She strode in with Mars and Carmen at her heels.
“It’s been a complicated few weeks, hasn’t it?” she joked. No one laughed.
Reading the room, she was more tactful with her next words. Her tone sobered at our stares. “How are you feeling?” Her eyes landed on me.
