Page 62 of Fallen Thorns
But lying in my bed in the dark, head still spinning with Mars beside me, fast asleep with the bedsheets slowly rising and falling with their every peaceful breath, I only felt guilt.
I could never love like that.
When I awokethe next morning, the opposite side of my bed lay empty, the sheets having been tucked back into place as if they’d never been touched at all.
Perhaps I had dreamed it all.Mars’ hands on me, the kisses, the sweat, the heat of our bodies.
But I knew I hadn’t.
It was real. Whatever that meant.
ChapterFifteen
Ilay in my bed, unmoving, for nearly an hour. My thoughts were the only things to keep me company as I fixated on what we did. What I allowed myself to do.How could I do that to Mars?I didn’t know how they felt about it, or if they actually wanted it — if they even enjoyed it. How did they feel aboutme?
I had lost track of how much we’d had to drink. At the time, I thought it was what we needed but I’d never before let myself get that drunk; that out of my head.
But what I did.
Knowing I couldn’t connect that way.
How could you?
How could I face Mars now? Tell them the truth?
I lay static.Paralysed. My eyes wandered to the cobwebs on the wall and down to the mess of clothes I expected to see… except they weren’t there. My floor was spotless. I frowned, darting my eyes around the room for any sight of them, but then I noticed my jacket hanging up on the wardrobe and knew fine well that was not where I left it. My boots were neatly tucked under my desk, the space where I normally like to leave them in my dorm room… My chest ached.
Mars cleaned up.
I flopped onto my back and rubbed my face, noticing the dried blood on my hands and on the sheets.
Mars cleaned up.
I needed a shower.
It wasn’tuntil I heard the knock at my door that I was shaken out of my trance of watching blood trickle and swirl down the shower drain. I quickly dried off, noticing the array of towels I’d been left with. I threw on my trousers and jumper from the night before and ran to the door as the knocks intensified. If my heart still worked, it would have been pounding in my head.
If Mars was on the other side of the door, I would not have known how to act or what to do — at all. A million scenarios and responses played through my head all at once, making me dizzy.
But it was Rani, smiling, with a mug of tea cupped in her hand.
“Oh.Oh.”Her eyes widened as she gave me a quick once over.
My jumper was on back to front, my hair stuck in all directions.
Her eyebrow ticked up.
“It’s not—” I began to defend myself, but she cut me off.
“You don’t have to explain,” she winked, “boys haveneeds.”
My laugh came out delayed as my brain processed what she said. It was just a joke, nothing to get worked up over, but…that’s not me.I’m not like that.I didn’t haveneeds.I’m justme. A little bit broken.
She read my face and sighed. “If it makes you feel less embarrassed…” she leaned in and whispered, “I had some fun last night too.”
I took a deep breath. “You did?” I tried to stay calm and take the focus off myself. “Carmen?”
Rani responded with a head flick that indicated she wanted to come inside. I pulled the door wider upon instinct, darting to make my bed and to cover up the blood as she entered. I panicked at the sheet’s lack of cooperation, and instead opted for crumpling it all into a ball in the middle of the bed where most of the stains were. It was too late and too obvious to do anything else.
