Page 31 of Half-Hearted
How could he possibly not know? Everybody knew. But I wasn’t going to say it out loud to him. He’d taken too much of me already, those three words I could at least keep for myself.
“Am I wrong, then?” he asked, voice demanding, firm, and entirely unapologetic.
“Joel, I’m going to say this once, and then we’re never going to have this conversation again. I couldn’t give aflying fuckhow much my partner makes or what their parents do. I’m more than capable of providing for myself and sustaining whatever lifestyle I choose, and it’s highly insulting that you’d even think otherwise.” I couldn’t believe the words came out as complete and coherent as they did, considering how much anger fueled them.
Something that looked a hell of a lot like relief flickered across his features and stiff shoulders, softening them a touch. And then he let out a breath.
I wasn’t sure why that was the thing that catapulted me over the edge, but it was. He didn’t deserve to feel relief, not when he’d made me feel so small.
The internal battle had ended. My mind had won.
“You have no right,” I spat. The words barely made it past my gritted teeth, my face wet, fists shaking uncontrollably. “You have no right to stand there and talk about any of my relationships, past or present. You have no right to act jealous, Joel. Not when I’ve had to suffer throughyearsof watching you go through relationship after relationshipafter relationship. Do you have any idea what it’s been like? How many times I’ve cried myself to sleep over the years because I’ve had to watch you kiss and touch and whisper sweet, affectionate nothings to other girls.” I paused, wiping at my cheeks. Angry about how I’d broken yet another promise to myself when it came to him. “You’ve shattered my heart over and over andover again. You have no right to tell me that the last six weeks have been hell, not when I’ve spent more than a decade burning in it, longing and wishing and hoping that maybe, one day, you’ll feel a sliver for me as I do for you.” My lungs were heaving now, my voice shaking, but I didn’t care. I’d held this all in for too long. “You have no fuckingrightto tell me that you miss me. That you’re suffering. That it’storture. You wanna know how I can stand it? It’s because I’ve hadseventeen yearsof practice, Joel. You’ve made an absolute fool out of me, and I can’t—Iwon’t—do it anymore.” Tears. So many tears. “I want to fall in love with someone who loves me back. I want to get married, I want to have kids, and Ican’tbecause of you. We’re not friends. What I feel for you—what I’vealwaysfelt for you—is anything but platonic, and I can’t… I’m not doing this with you anymore.”
I could barely see his face through the tears, but the dense, shocked silence that followed was more than telling. Eventually, he seemed to find his voice. “Alexis…”
I took a step back when he tentatively reached for me, hugging myself tightly. “I wish I’d never met you.”
It was meant to hurt him. It was meant to stab and twist and sting. But I’d never know if it did because the second the words were out of my mouth, the digital lock on the front door went off.
I patted my cheeks quickly, whipping around just in time to watch Ethan walk into the apartment. He stopped when he saw me, his usual frown deepening as he took in what must have been a jumbled mess of blotchy redness, running makeup, and swollen eyes blinking back at him in shock.
“What the fuck?” he said.
And that was when Joel’s alarm went off.
10
Joel
I couldn’t rememberthe last time I’d fucked something up this badly.
“What’s going on?” Ethan’s duffle bag hit the hardwood with a dull thud.
I didn’t answer, my eyes glued to Alexis, watching her calmly wipe the remaining tears from her stained cheeks and clear her throat. “Nothing,” she said evenly, making her way to the couch. She picked up my phone, turned off the alarm, and slipped it back onto the cushions. “What are you doing home?”
She might have gotten away with it, too, had her running makeup and puffy eyes not given her away. But the fact that she’d been crying was painstakingly obvious. Ethan’s narrowing eyes snapped to me. “Joel?”
I wondered how many times she’d done this with me. Pretended like everything was okay when she’d been hurting. I really had been stupid, hadn’t I?
My fingers twitched, wanting to—
“Joel.”
I swallowed back the thorny clump of regret and shame clogging my throat and peeled my eyes off Alexis. “Hey,” I managed to Ethan. The guy couldn’t have had worse timing if he’d tried. “I didn’t realize you were back today.”
He held up a small wrapped gift. “Came to surprise Marta. Flying back out tomorrow. What’s going on?”
His sentences always came out in brisk, sharp bursts when he was annoyed or agitated. It was the biggest tell other than the deep frown he was currently sporting. Then again, I couldn’t remember the last time I saw the guy’s eyebrows relax. This was going to be… difficult.
I shoved a hand through my hair and took in what would likely be one of my very last breaths. “We need to talk.”
He knew immediately.
The devil himself couldn’t keep secrets from Ethan. Or maybe he could, actually, but it wasn’t a fair comparison. Grey’d had a lifetime of practice.
“We had a deal,” Ethan said, voice simmering.
The fact that he’d walked in here already in a shit mood really didn’t bode well for me, but I was starting to find that I… didn’t care. He could hit me if he wanted to. Throw as many punches as he needed. Yell. I didn’t care. I just… My eyes gravitated back to Alexis. She was hugging herself again, dark tearstains running as far down as her neck. My entire chest squeezed, threatening to collapse in on itself.
