Page 34 of Half-Hearted
Ethan nodded, the corners of his mouth turned down. Then he rounded his desk, sat down, and motioned for me to do the same.
I’d given the right answer.
I cleared my throat and sat in one of the smooth leather chairs facing him and watched as he took out a piece of paper and a pen and started writing something down. My eulogy, most likely. It wouldn’t take long.
Ten seconds later, he slid the paper toward me.
If I, Joel Bennett, ever make Alexis Milani sad-cry again like I did today, I will cut off my own dick so Ethan doesn’t have to.
(Acceptable exceptions include, and are strictly limited to: if she sad-cries at my funeral, because my sorry ass will already be dead and I won’t be Ethan’s problem anymore.)
I looked up at him, brows twitching.
“Sign your agreement here,” he demanded very seriously, pointing at the X he’d slashed underneath the oath.
I did. This was kind of typical of the guy, to be fair. He had a weird thing for contracts. The pact had been his idea.
Ethan snatched the agreement back and started writing again. A second oath.
If I, Joel Bennett, cheat on Alexis Milani in my mind or in my dreams, I will cut off my own dick so Ethan doesn’t have to.
If I cheat on her in real life, Ethan will shove my full body into a wood chipper, for which I will cover the rental fee in full.
“I can’t control my dreams,” I insisted.
“That sounds like a you problem.”
I sighed in defeat and initialed my name.
Six more oaths followed, mostly along the same lines, two of them firmly stating that there would be absolutelyno PDAin front of him, which I was more than happy to agree to.
And the whole experience closed off with,If I, Joel Bennett, tell Alexis Milani that Ethan cares about her enough to threaten me, I’ll, once again, chop my own dick off.
“You’re so fucking weird sometimes, dude,” I muttered, holding back a grin as I signed my name. “And… violent.”
He’d always been ridiculously protective of Alexis behind her back. And she’d always been too busy bickering with him to notice.
He ignored me, packed the papers to “send to his lawyer” (he was not joking), and then he said, “Now. She’s obviously furious at you, and you probably deserve it. And I don’t want to be here when the makeup part of this whole nightmare happens, so—” He raised his voice for the next part, just to make sure all parties were aware of the timeline. “—I’m going to go get dinner. I’ll be gone for exactly two hours. And when I come back, it’ll hopefully be to an empty apartment. If you’re still here,there will absolutely be no closed bedroom doors.” The entire building heard that last part.
I hugged him when he got up. “Thank you.”
“Let me go.”
I embraced him tighter and gave his back two gentle love pats. “Love you, dude. Missed you.”
Finally, he caved and hugged me back. “Love you, too.” And then, “But seriously. If you hurt her, I’ll murder you dead. I know where Alexis hides all the baseball bats. She thinks I’ve only found one, though, so don’t tell her.”
I smiled. “Deal.”
11
Alexis
Disbelief.I was in complete, utter disbelief.
Joel said he loved me.
No. He said he wasin lovewith me. There was a difference. You could love things—people, art, pets—platonically. Beingin lovewith someone was a whole other story. I’d beenin lovewith Joel since before I knew what that even meant.
