Page 52 of The Heart That Breaks
She gives me a look of surprise, and I don’t miss the flash of pain right behind it. “I knew that, but why does that make him too good for you?”
I shrug. “Some mountains just seem too tall to climb.”
“That’s a lot of wisdom for someone your age,” Mama says. “But I have to think it’s misguided.”
“I don’t want to get hurt. And if you know that’s the likely outcome, shouldn’t you try to avoid it? And anyway,I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Nathan.”
She stares straight ahead for a bit, her voice resigned when she says, “It’s not like I can blame you for not wanting to tell him about me. Hard to bring someone like that home to meet a mama like me.”
“It’s not like that,” I say, suddenly feeling horrible for the way I sound. “I’m not ashamed of you, Mama.”
“You should be.”
“I’m not.”
“Well, I just think you deserve someone like that. A guy who can give you a different life.”
“I don’t want anyone to give me anything. I’m willing to work for what I get. Just like you have.”
She laughs a short laugh. “I haven’t gotten us very far, have I?”
“Life was good until Lance came along. And he did a pretty good job of hiding things from you.”
She holds up a hand to stop me. “Don’t make excuses for me, honey. It’s way past time I got myself together. I deserve better than a guy like Lance, and so do you.”She gives me a sad smile. “From now on, I’m going to act like it. Promise me something?”
“What?”
“You’ll set your standards high? Believe that you’re worthy of being treated right. I haven’t provided that example for you, and I regret it. More than I can say.”
“I wouldn’t want any other mama. And I’m glad you’ve decided Lance isn’t good enough for you. Because he’s not.”
“You really think that?” she asks, glancing over at me with tears in her eyes.
“I do,” I say. “I always have.”
“I know I don’t deserve that.”
We’re passing Brandi’s house now, a small, white A-frame with a drooping porch and a yard full of old car parts. The single bulb light is on above the front door, and my stomach drops with the thought that Brandi has a dad who sounds a lot like Lance. “You know the girl I’ve told you about who rides the bus with me. Brandi?”
Mama nods without glancing away from the wheel. “She lives back there, right?”
“Yeah. I don’t think she has a very good life.”
“What do you mean?”
“She doesn’t have much, and her dad isn’t nice to her.”
Mama says nothing for a few moments, and then, “Everybody knows her parents are meth heads.”
“Then how can they be allowed to keep her?” I ask, feeling an overwhelming surge of anger for Brandi.
“I know social services has been out there a few times, but I don’t guess they’ve found anything serious enough to take Brandi and her brother away.”
“She comes to school hungry most days,” I say, not hiding my fury. “What does it take?”
Again, Mama is quiet enough that I have to wonder what she’s thinking. The look on her face makes me think she’s debating whether to go on or keep it to herself. “What?” I ask.
She shakes her head, and then, in a voice I’ve never heard before, “Maybe me letting the sheriff know about the drug buys I see him making in the parking lot at work.”
