Page 66 of That Birthday in Barbados
I think of the people I’ve known who have battled this horrible disease. Sadly, there have been several. The last was a young woman named Samantha who worked in our online sales department. She was young too, early thirties. She woke up one morning with excruciating abdominal pain. She ended up in the ER only to find out she had stage four colon cancer. She went with the doctors’ recommendation to use the most aggressive protocol available to her, chemo and radiation. And after three months of treatment, we thought she would be okay. She lost her hair and was so thin it was painful to see her, but she had the will to fight. I would take her soups and juices, anything I thought there was a chance of her eating. The last night I saw her, she talked of how much she wanted to get back to work, of how much she missed her old life. I wanted the same for her and believed she would have it again, eventually.
But the next morning, I received a call at the office from a mutual friend who said Samantha was in the hospital with pneumonia. I planned to go see her after work that evening, but she died an hour before I got there.
For a long time after that, I felt bitter about her death. It seemed so unfair. She wanted to live. She had so many plans. Had done so little of what she hoped to do in life.
I realized then that cancer is ruthless. That once it gets a victory in the body, it is reluctant to retreat. Temporarily, maybe. But like a rogue general in a dictator-led country, it will attempt another assault at the slightest sign of weakness.
I think of Anders now and find it almost impossible to believe that he could have been dying. The same vibrant, strong, beautiful man who held me in his arms.
Suddenly, I am so afraid for him.
What if it comes back?
What if it has, and he doesn’t know it yet?
I can’t sit here any longer, torturing myself with these questions. I get up from the chair, somehow needing to outrun my own thoughts. I gather my things, walk back to the room and let myself inside the cool interior. I stand on the marble floor, letting the heat drain from my body. And then without giving myself time to change my mind, I pull on shorts and a t-shirt, grab my phone and wallet and head for the front of the hotel.
*
THE TAXI DROPS me at Needham’s Point Beach. I walk the short distance to the curve of sand where we had released the hatchlings. I sit down on the sand, pulling my knees to my chest and staring out at the ocean, wondering how many of them survived. I remember what I felt watching those precious souls strike out against all odds. The way my heart hurt with hope for them as I watched them struggle with every step forward.
Had Anders’ journey been like theirs, seeking out a new life for himself with all the odds stacked against him?
I somehow know that it has been. I cannot imaginethe days of struggle he must have endured.
But he has survived. He’s made it.
And I know that in turning me away last night, he was trying to protect me. My heart swells with hope and gratitude. But I don’t want protection. I want Anders.
Chapter Thirty-one
“See how she leans her cheek upon her hand.
O, that I were a glove upon that hand
That I might touch that cheek!”
?William Shakespeare
Anders
I’M SITTING IN the living room, my gaze on the pages of a book I have not been able to focus on when I hear the doorbell ring.
The lamp on the table next to my chair is the only light on. I close the novel and consider not answering. I have no doubt that it is Catherine. I knew she would come. She has a heart. There is no question that she will try to convince me it doesn’t matter.
I shouldn’t let her. I know this, even as I stand and walk to the door, my hand on the wrought iron knob. I imagine her on the other side, her hand wrapped around the matching handle, and I swear I can feel the pull of her though it.
Slowly, I turn the knob, ease the door open until there is nothing between us but air.
“Hey,” she says.
“Hey.”
“I was in the neighborhood.”
“No, you weren’t.”
She smiles a little and shrugs. “Okay. So I wasn’t.”
