Page 73 of That Birthday in Barbados
The word falls out of me. My mind goes blank. I cannot process what she has said. Anders’ arm slips around my shoulders. Hepulls me into the circle of his embrace. And he’s holding me tight, as if he knows I am going to fall apart.
“Is she. . .is she going to be all right?”
“The only doctor I’ve spoken to said it is too soon to know.” She stops there, breathes in an audible intake of air. Silence beats through the phone before she finally adds, “They’ve pumped her stomach. She took an overdose of antidepressant. He said it will be days before we can know the long-term effects.”
Again, she cannot go on, her crying the only sound coming through the phone.
“Mom.” My voice breaks across the utterance, as if I am reaching out to latch onto her. “Is Dad with you?”
“Y-yes. Of course.”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can get a flight.” I have no idea if Mom knows where I am. I didn’t tell her about this trip. Guilt attacks me like a knife in the back. I draw in a sharp breath, try to focus on what matters right now. “Will you text me the name of the hospital?”
“Yes. Be safe, Cat.” And with that, she is gone.
In the instant silence that surrounds us, I cannot bring myself to look at Anders. Questions fly through my mind at a thousand miles an hour.
“Don’t,” he says, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
I know exactly what he means, but how can I not? I shake my head, whisper, “What if it’s too late?”
He hugs me tighter, but doesn’t answer. Despite our age difference, both of us have reached a point in life where we understandthe futility of denying truth. And the truth is I may not ever have the opportunity to forgive my sister. If that is true, how will I ever forgive myself?
Chapter Thirty-seven
“If you are not too long I will wait here for you all my life.”
?Oscar Wilde
Anders
I SIT IN the Defender, watching her walk into the airport, pulling her suitcase behind her. She’d asked me not to come inside. Even though I’d wanted to, wanted those extra minutes standing next to her, I did as she asked.
The sun is barely up. There was one first-class seat left on the 7 AM flight to Miami. As soon as she’d hung up with her mother, I’d gotten out of bed and started looking for a flight. I have to believe there was serious intervention taking place on her part. The unlikelihood of getting a flight that would allow her to rent a car in Miami and get to West Palm by early afternoon was enough to make me sure of it. I’m thankful for that, even though I know as she disappears into the airport that she will not return.
She never said the words, but I read it in her face, in the way she couldn’t meet my eyes. More than anything, I wanted to tell her how much I want her to come back. But somehow I know that her memory of me will be tangled with this news of her sister and her own guilt about their relationship. I don’t want that. The only choice I have is to let her go.
As I pull away from the airport, the Defender growling a low protest as it changes gears, all I feel is a bone-deep sense of grief, for Catherine’s sister, for the two of us and what might have been.
Chapter Thirty-eight
“Between too early and too late, there is never more than a moment.”
? Franz Werfel
Catherine
I STARE OUT the window of the plane at the clouds below. My thoughts are a jumbled fog of questions and self-ridicule and regret.
Some part of me thinks it can’t be true. How could Nicole try to take her own life? Is this my fault? Am I responsible?
I try to figure outwhen my sister would have made such a decision. Was it suddenly? Had she been planning it for a long time? Was it because I didn’t answer her birthday email?
A hand touches my shoulder. I jump and turn my head to find a stewardess smiling at me. “Would you like something to drink? Coffee, tea?”
“Coffee, please,” I say automatically, although my stomach lurches at the thought of food. Maybe the caffeine will give my brain the ability to make sense of the phone call from my mother. And the awful, awful realization that I may not make it in time. That Nicole may die before I get there.
I lean my head against the seat and close my eyes.
