Page 26 of That Birthday in Barbados
She shrugs, looks down at her hands. And then, in a low voice, “No. And as I’ve said, I don’t blame her.”
Dr. Baker is silent until Nicole lifts her head and looks at him. “Neither one of us knows ifthat will turn out to be true. The only thing we can affect is how you see what has happened. And how you choose to be shaped by it.”
Nicole laughs a soft laugh. “I choose to be shaped?”
He nods. “Yes. It is your choice, really.”
“The only choice that was mine was cheating with my sister’s husband.”
Again, if she intended to shock him with her words, he appears unfazed. “That was your choice as well, I agree. And based on everything you’ve said here so far, it is something you seriously regret.”
“Regret doesn’t erase pain though, does it?”
“No, it does not.”
“And it doesn’t change the fact that I am a horrible person.”
“Nicole. You made a mistake. One action does not define us for a lifetime.”
“I’m afraid this one does.”
He sits back in his chair, folds his arms and studies her for several long moments. “The question you have yet to answer is the why. Why did you choose to have an affair with your sister’s husband? As I have explained to you before, I believe that until we can identify the root cause of our actions, we are doomed to make some version of the same mistakes again and again.”
“I won’t be making this one again,” she declares instantly.
“Maybe not exactly. But some version of it, yes, I believe you will. It’s what we humans do.”
Nicole bites her lower lip, wanting to snap her disagreement with him, but she doesn’t allow herself. She keeps her voice deliberately even when she says, “I have never been successful at beating my sister at anything, and I certainly didn’t beat her at this.”
“So your relationship with your sister has been a competitive one?”
She lifts her shoulders, shakes her head. “There was never any competition. Catherine always wins. It’s just the way it is.”
“Does she see it that way?”
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter ifshe does or not. It’s true.”
“Does she see herself in competition with you?”
“I doubt it.”
“Did. . .” He stops, looks down at his notes. “Connor. Did Connor know about this facet of your relationship with your sister?”
“Not unless she told him.”
“And you never implied this to him?”
Nicole considers his words, trying to figure out his angle. “Connor wasn’t interested in playing me against my sister.”
“What was his interest?”
“Sex, I believe.”
If she had hoped to shock Dr. Baker with her blunt assessment, she can see she has not. But then again, he’s most likely heard it all. And then some.
“At the beginning, did you think this was the extent of his interest in you?”
“I suppose this is the point at which I admit I am a romantic fool?”
