Page 66 of John Wilder Gets Schooled
Ididn’t go over to Avery’s on Sunday night.
Usually I would have found myself heading over there once Gracie was asleep, but if I was honest, my feelings were still kinda bruised from Avery’s out-of-hand rejection the day before. I wasn’t any kind of catch, but the way he’d been so quick to make sure I knew he wasn’t interested in dating had stung like a nail gun to the heart.
When he’d mentioned that there wasn’t any rule saying we couldn’t date, I’d frozen for the time it had taken my brain to catch up to my ears—but that was mostly because of how unexpected it was and not because I hated the idea.
In fact, it was the opposite. I’d been trying to picture dating Avery, and I’d found I liked it more than I expected.
But before I’d been able to say that, he’d reassured me he wasn’t talking aboutus.Like he was worried I might get the wrong idea or something.
And then later he’d brought it up again, by way of a half-assed apology for making things awkward. And I’d started out by telling him Ihadsaid I didn’t want to date. But before I got to the part where I suggested we could try it, he’d shut me down. Again.
It felt just as shit-tastic the second time around.
And it wasn’t like I could even be mad at him. I was the onewho’d set that boundary in the first place. It wasn’t fair to blame Avery just because I didn’t have the balls to tell him I’d changed my mind. So I’d done my best to act like it didn’t bother me, and by the time Avery had left on Saturday night after reading Gracie her story, things had been almost back to normal between us. Almost.
But still, I didn’t feel like fooling around with Avery, not while I had all these feelings swirling around and complicating shit.
So I didn’t go visit. And on Monday morning when I dropped Gracie off at school, I was halfway out the door while she was still putting her bag away. Avery sent me a confused look and seemed to be about to say something, but then Tyrell’s mom cornered him and I was able to escape.
I didn’t feel good about dodging Avery, but I needed some space while I figured stuff out. It felt like something between us had changed, even though on the surface everything was the same. But if everything really was the same, why did the thought of waking up next to Avery put a smile on my face and a warm glow in my chest? And why did him calling me Johnny make my insides melt?
And when had sex without dating started to feel like it wasn’t enough anymore?
The more I thought about it, the more I kept circling around to the same conclusion.
Maybe the thing that had changed was… me?
Well, fuck.
Since I was running late,I’d skipped making myself lunch. Getting Gracie to school on time had been enough of a challenge. The crew was working out of Goose Run for a change, so at lunch I drove to the gas station to grab a sandwich and a drink. Danny had already finished for the day, and Chase hadn’t started yet. The only sandwiches left were pretty pathetic, but Renata, whowas behind the register, gave me two at half price, so at least what I sacrificed in flavor, I made up in value.
I was out of sorts enough that I didn’t go back to the site to eat with the guys. Instead, I pulled my truck into the shade of the trees at the end of the parking lot at Goose Run Gas and ate my lunch there. I sat on the hood, sandwiches balanced on my knees, and thought some more about Avery and whether or not I’d be so slow figuring shit out if he wasn’t a guy.
I didn’t like what the answer said about me.
Maybe I should have talked to Danny, but I wasn’t sure he’d get it. He was my best friend, but he wouldn’t see the obstacles I was putting in my own path here. My baggage looked a lot different to Danny’s, so I called the one person in the world who’d been there with me for my highest of highs and lowest of lows. The one person who knew exactly how frightening it was to want something different than your family, or your town, or the whole world thought you deserved.
“Hey,” I said when she answered. “You got a minute to talk?”
“Yeah,” Cassidy said. “Hold on, I’m in the library. Let me get outside.”
Cassidy had sure thrown away everyone else’s expectations when she’d gone to college, and I was so proud of her for it.
A few moments passed, and she said, “I’m outside. What’s up?”
Well, wasn’t that a loaded fucking question?
I squinted into the trees. “I, uh, I met someone. Wanted to get your thoughts on it.”
“Get my thoughts?” she asked, a smile in her voice. “You make it sound like we’re on a panel for a job interview. Do I know her? What’s she like?”
“He,” I said. Then I said it again, to make sure she heard. “It’s a he.”
“Oh.” She was silent for a moment, then said, “Well, I shouldn’t have assumed. I’m sorry. Let’s start again. Do I know him? What’s he like? Oh god, it’s not Danny, is it?”
“What? No!” I couldn’t help laughing. “Gross. He’s my brother!”
“Who is it then?” she asked.
