Page 164 of Love Me Stalk Me
Then believe it.
cal has been taking care of me.
Good.
and i feel guilty about it.
Why?
because i love it.
i love that he's doing this. i love that he's here.
i just want to be around him.
to have him hold me.
to kiss me likehe did before.
i'm just so confused right now.
About what specifically?
about everything. about what happened with evan. about how i feel about cal.
i was assaulted by someone i thought i knew, someone i thought i loved. and now i'm having these intense feelings for cal, who saved me.
That's completely normal after trauma. Your emotions are valid.
but there's more to it. i'm afraid to tell you.
You can tell me anything, Izzy. No judgment here.
i have these... thoughts about cal. intense ones. i want him to take control, to be rough with me even. and after what just happened with evan, shouldn't i be afraid of that?
There's a world of difference between assault and consensual desire. One is about power and control taken from you. The other is about trust and pleasure given freely.
that makes sense, but i still feel conflicted. like, what does it say about me that after being attacked, i'm fantasizing about someone else being dominant?
It says nothing negative about you. Many people find that reclaiming their sexuality on their own terms is empowering after trauma. The key difference is consent and trust.
i do trust cal. that's what's so strange. i barely know him, but i trust him completely.
Trust isn't always logical. Sometimes we just know.
but there's something else bothering me. i don't know everything about cal. he's mysterious, keeps things close to the chest. what if i'm just replacing one secretiveguy with another?
That's a valid concern. Have you talked to him about this?
no. i've been afraid to.
Maybe that's the first step. Being honest about your feelings, your desires, and your concerns.
you're right. i need to tell him everything - how i feel, what i want, and my fears too.
That sounds like a healthy approach.
i'm just scared. what if these feelings aren't real? what if they're just some weird trauma response?
