Page 111 of Power Moves
Archie takes a step back and shoves his hands in his pockets. His eyes flicker to the ground and my stomach clenches. My palms are suddenly clammy. I feel like I’m in the Bermuda Triangle, being sucked down by an unknowable force. Everything is blurring around me.
I want to lunge at him, wrap him in my arms and make him remember thatwe fit. He understands me and I understand him, and what could be more special than that? But I can’t say that because for so long I pretended Ididn’tunderstand him. I called him a jock and a womaniser even when I knew he wasn’t. I was trying to pretend he was a different kind of guy—a guy I’d never fall for—because I was too scared of admitting the truth: that I fell for him ages ago, back when we sat shoulder-to-shoulder under a frangipani tree. During that warm summer night, I discovered someone I could be myself with, be honest with, be nerdy and stupid and vulnerable with, but he didn’t feel the same way. He left for France. My mum had cancer. I needed to protect myself. I needed control.
I created excuses and barriers and routines and processes to block out the head-noise, but somehow, Archie kept weasel-ling through. I could keep everyone else, even my own family, at bay, but never Archie, and still, I didn’t stop to consider what that meant.
Archie closes his eyes and I want to cup his cheek in my palm, feel the stubble on his jaw, but I can’t, and it floors me how much I miss him already, even though he’s right here. He’s a satellite floating away and I want to redirect his beam of light to shine at me, but I’ve missed my chance and I can’t bear it. I don’t want this to be the end, but I don’t know how to keep him here.
‘I dropped the story!’ I blurt.
Archie double-blinks. ‘What?!’
Okay—another thirty seconds of his attention.
‘I toldThe Daily Mail,’ I sigh, sinking onto the couch. ‘I had to. There were too many people protecting Boss. The Premier’s office has been protecting him since forever. The story would never have got out unless I dropped it. He’s been doing this for years, apparently, and I wanted it to stop. Now. So I did it myself.’ I lift my face to his. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t give you the scoop and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what I’d done, but you don’t need to feel bad for me. I did it to myself.’
‘Oh, Millsy,’ sighs Archie, sinking down next to me. ‘You’re a trooper.’
‘Are you upset with me?’
Archie takes my hand in his as we continue staring at the coffee table. ‘I’m more impressed with you now than I was five minutes ago.’
‘Really?’ I turn my body towards him.
He shrugs. ‘Our world doesn’t always make sense, but you knew what you had to do. I understand that.’
My body feels waterlogged with emotion. I want to lean my head against his shoulder but I know that I can’t, because more than anything, I want to respect Archie’s wishes, and if he doesn’t want me, I have to be okay with that. Even if it feels like tiny cracks are splintering through my heart, I know it won’t shatter. I’m strong enough to get through this and he’s one of the people who helped me realise that.
So instead I say, ‘Thanks, Archie. You’re a very good person.’ If this is goodbye, at least I’ve given him everything now: the complete truth. No spin.
We sit in silence for a few seconds, our breathing in sync, my arm against his. If we don’t have a relationship in the future, at least I have this now. Acceptance, acknowledge-ment, respect. He sees me for who I am, and I know that will never change.
‘Archie,’ I say timidly, twisting back to face him. ‘At the very least, I think we should try being friends. I know I’ve spent the last few years professing to hate you but I think we can take that as agoodsign.’
Archie’s mouth quirks. ‘I’m intrigued to hear your angle on this one.’
‘Think about it. We’ve never been able to exist in each other’s orbit without itbeingsomething. During university it was this crackling electricity of you noticing me and me noticing you. Then for the last few years it had to be hate.’
‘Hadto be?’
‘Hate is better than indifference! It showed you meant something to me. And I know I’ve been dumb and rude, and I am so, so sorry, but I don’t think you can deny that I made you laugh. Our banter is possibly world-leading. It would be such a travesty to throw that all away.’
Archie rubs his palm over the back of his neck. Eventually he says, ‘Millsy, I didn’t come here today to be your friend.’
The expression in his eyes is unwavering, and I close my eyes and start nodding. I’d thought my argument was convincing, but no. I’ve thrown too many grenades that I can’t take back.
I force myself to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. ‘Fair enough, Archie. Well played. You’ve put up with me for long enough. That is a victory in itself. Well done.’ I smile weakly to mask the pain but when I open my eyes, they’re brimming with tears.
‘Millsy,’ Archie says quietly. His voice is so soft that a wave of sadness rocks through me. He takes my hand in his and I yank it away.
‘Don’t let me down gently!’ I bleat. ‘You can’t choose this moment to go easy on me. Tell it to me straight. But before you do, you need to know that I will always be grateful for the way you made me smile every day. Even when I was exhausted from trying to run rings around you, we had the best time together. I see that now. I was just too deep in my own mess to realise. And!’ I say, raising my finger aloft—I’m babbling but I don’t care. ‘You also need to know that I am willing to go cycling with you if you still need a cycling buddy.’ This is the extent of my desperation: I am prepared to submit myselfto padded-bum lycra in exchange for his company. I have possibly never made a more generous bargain in my life.
Archie stands up and pulls me with him. ‘We should be upright for this,’ he says.
‘Okay,’ I agree, grimacing. ‘I can take it. Just say it.’
‘Millsy, we’re not going to be friends.’
‘I change my mind!’ I yelp, covering my face. ‘I don’t want you to tell it to me straight. Let’s pretend this never happened. You go live your life and be happy, I’ll be fine! But oh god!’ I gasp, as if winded. ‘The banter. I’ll miss it so much.’
