Page 106 of Power Moves
I grind out the words, ‘You look good together.’
Archie looks at me sharply. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You and Kristina. You make a good couple.’
‘What are you talking about?’
It feels very uncouth to be discussing this in public, but the cameramen are going to arrive soon. I don’t have time to be couth!
‘I don’t care that you’re sleeping together.’
Archie rattles his head. ‘You don’t … What?’
‘Okay,’ I confess, throwing my hands in the air. ‘I care a little bit.’
Archie looks flummoxed. ‘I’m so confused.’
‘Okay, a lot!’ I bleat. ‘Is that what you want me to say? Fine, you’ve won. I had a spew in a car park and realised I missed your presence because it has become overly familiar to me.’
Okay.Seems my brain went with Option A.
Archie’s expression is unreadable and I wish it wasn’t so dark in these shadows because I can’t make out what he’s thinking. Does he assume I’m insane? Probably. But that’s nothing new.
‘Kristina stayed the night,’ he says quietly.
It’s fine, I tell myself.Finefinefinefine.I encouraged him to go out with her and now he’s sealed the hot Norwegian deal. Stars start flashing before my eyes. If I collapse right now, my head will hit sandstone and my skull might explode, but that’s okay because I’m pretty sure that’ll be better than imploding from this stifling panic. There’ll be less internal bleeding this way.
Archie sighs. ‘It was a favour for Tyler. No one else has a spare room and she needed a place to stay between share houses. She’s moving into a new one tonight. I’m driving her there after the press conference.’
‘Oh,’ I say meekly, my vision slowly coming back into focus. ‘So nothing happened?’
‘Nothing,’ he repeats. ‘Why?’
‘Because …’Oh god, I hadn’t planned to do this now. I should have prepared talking points. Or a dossier. Or at leasta tweet. But I could never sum up the shambolic contents of my brain in 140 characters.
‘Because … I didn’t want you to sleep with her, because …’Oh fuckity duck in a fucking duck hut.‘Because I like you, Archie. I really like you, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realise but …’ My voice wobbles before I can stop it. ‘I haven’t been okay.’
The sentence materialises as if from alphabet soup in my mind, the collection of letters bobbing to the surface to communicate the message I hadn’t fully understood before I said it out loud.I haven’t been okay.
I’m not trying to make excuses, I’m attempting to explain myself. For so long,notcoping felt like the selfish option. Now I can see that bottling up my feelings didn’t help anyone. I tell myself again—I haven’t been okay—and instead of shame and embarrassment, I feel only a lucid wash of relief.
‘I’m sorry I’ve been such an idiot, Archie, but I think you’re clever and funny and kind and you’re really special to me. I trust you more than anyone.’
I hold out my palms in surrender. I’m not hiding secret guns and pocket spears; there’s no shoe phone under these heels. It’s just me. I’ve got nothing but my words, and I’m laying down my arms. I’m defenceless.
Archie stares at me, his body immobile except for the rise and fall of his chest. ‘No,’ he says finally, shaking his head. ‘I don’t want to be this guy. I don’t want to be the one you only turn to when things go to shit. Don’t get me wrong, Millsy, I’ll always be there for you,always, but I want to be there for the good times as well.’
‘I want that too,’ I insist.
‘That’s my point,’ Archie interrupts, sadly. ‘I’ve been here the whole time. If the thing in Wagga hadn’t happened, you’d still prefer to hang out with your boss rather than me.’
I shake my head desperately. ‘Archie, no.’ I don’t want him to talk like this. Boss, Bryan, everyone else is tepid bathwater, but Archie … he’s theocean. He’s deep and vast and light and dark; he’s the sparkle and the tide. He’s been judged his whole life and assumed to be someone he’s not, but I know the real him and that’s a privilege and I should have told him every day how lucky that makes me, but I didn’t.
I feel so stupid I want to facepalm myself, but Arabella is just over there, so I need to hold it together.
Archie takes a step towards me and puts his hand on my cheek. ‘I’m sorry, Millsy,’ he says quietly, ‘but after everything that’s happened, if you’re still here for him, doing this …’ He angles his head to the left and I don’t know if he’s pointing to the quadrangle, or the lectern, or our old campus home down the road. ‘I could come second to Bryan. I was happy to wait. But I won’t come second to your boss.’
I feel tears spring in the corners of my eyes. I should shove his hand away in case Arabella sees but instead I tilt my head closer, as though I’m a flower and he’s the sun.
