Page 116 of The Heir Apparent
James wrenched up the handbrake and looked at me.
“Go on,” he said. “It’ll be alright.”
On unsteady legs, I got out of the car. Jack stood there waiting, the stretch of field between us somehow several furlongs, and also just a few shaky steps if either of us cared to measure.If he comes towards me, I thought,maybe he can forgive me. If he meets me halfway, maybe everything will be alright.I had spent the last five months banishing any thought of him from my mind, convinced I could forget him if I tried hard enough. With one glimpse of his warm eyes, I understood that all of it was a lie, the surge of feeling, all feelings, like a wellspring inside me.
I walked down the vine row, and he came towards me until we met in the middle.
“Hi,” I rasped, astonished by his face all over again.
He smiled at me sadly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. Then I took a deep breath; I had nothing left to give him but the truth. “I mean, no. I’ve actually been a bit of a mess.”
He reached forward then, tentatively putting his hands on my shoulders.
“Amira told me what happened,” he said. He laughed and shook his head. “I bought a plane ticket. I was going to go over there to make sure you were okay. But Amira and James were worried I’d blow your cover. They said you needed to get yourself home.”
A family of magpies carrolled in the trees and his thumb stroked the curve of my shoulder.
“She told me about your mum too. I’m so sorry, Lex. I wish I’d known.”
I was determined to pluck out my secrets like they were thorns hidden in my flesh. But even as I had found a journalist and told her my story, I still couldn’t allow myself to think of the moment Jack read it and learned the truth about me. It made me hot with shame to imagine him discovering how completely I could fail the people I loved. But, I supposed, he’d already learned that about me when I walked away from him on that cliff in Scotland.
“I used to be terrified that you’d find out,” I said. “I was scared of anyone knowing, but you especially.”
“Why?”
“Because…” I dipped my head, unable to cope with his eyes on me. “I always thought Mum and I were different from the others, but when it really counted, I chose them. I thought if you knew that about me, you’d never…”
My voice began to fail me. Throughout our history as dogged, dysfunctional friends, I was occasionally possessed by the desire to tell him. We’d be on one of our long walks through the Tasmanian bush when I’d suddenly turn, heady with the possibility of confession. But one glance at his face had always been enough to convince me to swallow the truth back down.
“I wouldn’t what?” Jack asked softly.
“You wouldn’t… look at me the same.”
“You were just a kid. You were in trouble, and you called your dad. Amira said you thought I wouldn’t want you if I knew, and Lex…”
I was still staring at my feet, but he put a finger under my chin so I would meet his gaze. There was a fierce expression on his face that I could barely take.
“Am I looking at you differently?”
He wasn’t, and it was more than I deserved. A tear slipped down my cheek. “I don’t understand—you should hate me.”
His brows came together, his eyes shining.
“Lex, I could never hate you,” he said. “And I don’t really know what you want or how you feel, but you’re always going to be my best friend, okay? Always.”
We looked at each other in the beating summer sun. I’d been granted the gift of one final chance, and I would not let the only thing I really wanted slip through my fingers.
“I’m so sorry I sent you away,” I said, short-breathed. “I just… I was so scared of what would happen if you really knew me. And then I was scared I was never going to see you again. Because I love you—of course I do, I always have. I loved you right from the start.”
How easily the words came, even though they’d been lodged inside me for years. Sometimes they were buried safe in my gut; sometimes they grew like saplings in my chest. But they had always been there, no matter how much I tried to ignore them, until I finally dared to speak, and they bloomed from my parted lips.
Jack took my fingers in his and then he pressed them, interwoven, against his chest. The hammer of his heart matched mine.
“When are you going to understand that I’ve always known you, Lex? And I’m never going to stop loving you. I tried. I tried for five months, and every day felt like it was going to kill me. I couldn’t give you up.”
This was the second time I’d crossed a field for him, and the second time I had looked into his face and known my life was about to change. I reached for him, my hands on his chest, my tremulous breaths on his cheek, and he pulled me into his arms and covered my mouth with his.
