Page 43 of You Chive Me Crazy
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” she said.
So much for getting my towel.
But what was I supposed to do now? I was going to have to burn the house down.
Betsy came flying through the open door, her eyes widening as she took in the scene in front of her. “Okay—this was the last thing I was expecting.”
Tell me about it, sister.
“I’m sorry,” Zoe interrupted, turning her head as much as she could to see Betsy, with her body still covering mine, although definitely not obscuring the moon I was currently treating Betsy to. “I came back to apologize to Lucas. Oh, my goodness, this must look inappropriate for an open-door situation, but I promise, it’s really not what you think.”
Betsy’s gaze bounced back and forth between our faces. “Far be it from me to judge. We all have our own ways of apologizing. I prefer flowers.” She cleared her throat, still looking a bit shell-shocked and trying her best to avert her eyes from my booty. “I’ll leave you two to your business.” She smiled and gave me a thumbs-up before turning toward the door.
“Don’t go!” Zoe said. “We need your help. There’s a giant spider on the floor behind us. Can you get rid of it for us?”
Betsy leaned to her side to look. “There she is! She’s so mischievous for a tarantula.” She turned toward the door. “Marty! Spinderella is in the Love Shack!”
Marty flew through the door and came to a halt. “Egads.” He leaned way over to the left, more interested in my backside than the spider. “Are you naked, Lucas?”
I nodded. “You are correct. I was just going to—”
Marty held up his hand. “Hey—no need to explain. It reminds me of that time at the beach when a giant wave smacked me in the back when I wasn’t paying attention. Never turn your back on the ocean! I knew the rule, but did I listen? Nope. And that wave knocked those swim trunks clean off my body. Remember that, sweetie?”
Betsy rubbed him on the back. “Darling, you never forget when your husband flashes your parents.”
I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. Hello? I was standing there in front of them, totally buck naked! And my towel had been confiscated by an arachnid much hairier than me.
“Don’t worry about Spinderella—she’s harmless,” Marty said. “I’ll be right back with a box and a handful of the mealworms we feed the birds. That should entice her off your towel and into the box. Then we can get her outside where she belongs.”
Marty walked out, just as Kay came in.
“What’s all the commotion about?” She could see I was hiding behind Zoe in my birthday suit. “Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire. My dollar bills are in my purse back in the room. Do I have time to run and get them, or is the show over?” She began to fan herself.
“Somebody shoot me now,” I muttered.
Zoe giggled, making her body shake and vibrate.
Not ideal when it was pressed against my nakedness.
“Did someone say there was a show?” Hank said, entering the room.
“I’m not sure if it’s still happening or not.” Kay pointed to me. “Lucas isnekkid.” She pumped her eyebrows.
“He is, indeed.” Hank nodded, then eyeballed my backside. “Do you do squats, Lucas?”
“Pardon me?” I said, wondering if I had landed on another planet where people didn’t understand the meaning of discretion.
He nodded his appreciation. “My chiropractor told me my back problems are related to my weak glutes. Maybe you could show me a few exercises to firm these puppies up.” He slapped himself on the behind. “I really like what you’ve done with yours. Harmony would be impressed. Mind if I go get her?”
“This really isn’t a good time.” I sighed, ready to put an end to this ridiculous charade.
I kept holding onto Zoe and used her like a shield as I inched the two of us toward my dresser like penguins to grab a piece of clothing, careful not to let any other part of my anatomy flash the audience.
Zoe started laughing. “This is better than any revenge I could have thought of.” She continued to laugh.
“Not funny,” I said, as my embarrassment level pegged in the red.
“I read somewhere that Gerard Butler can crack walnuts between his butt cheeks,” Kay said.
