Page 4 of Save the Drama for your Mama
“Based on your little tête-à-tête with Reese, you may want to master standing before you tackle that book,” he added, pointing to the copy of52 Ways to Walkthat I was, unfortunately, still holding.
I set the book down on the table and gestured toCleaning Up Your Mental Messby Dr. Caroline Leaf. “May I interest you in a cognitive cleanse? My treat.”
He scowled. “Unless there is a taco between the pages, I’ll pass.” He openedPride and Prejudiceagain. “And what’s with your unhealthy preoccupation with this book, anyway? The characters are unrealistic.”
I sighed, pretty sure I was going to be wasting my breath, but not willing to concede even the smallest point to him. “We watch Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy transform before our very eyes. We get to see their aha-moment when they both realize their preconceived notions were wrong, and that they were both meant for each other. It’s a beautiful romance, pure and simple.”
He chuckled. “Ah, yes, because nothing screams romance like treating love as a strategic game of chess. Checkmate, my dear! I’ve secured you a wealthy husband. Please pass the Grey Poupon!”
“They didn’t pass things during meals back then—they had servants. Loyal house employees.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Just a bunch of snobs too lazy to do anything for themselves, except talk nonsense. And Elizabeth only finds Mr. Darcy appealing after seeing his mega-mansion. Sounds like a gold-digger to me.”
I placed my hand on my chest and scoffed. “You don’t know a thing about romance. You take that back at once.”
“I shall not!” Feigning offense, he stood taller, like he’d stuck a steel rod up his backside.Is this guy mocking me?“And I know what romance is.Thisis not it.”
“I’m sure you don’t have a romantic bone in your body.”
“No?” He placedPride and Prejudiceon the table, then pulled a book off the shelf, flipping it open to the middle. “In the depths of my soul, I have battled fierce demons, conquered raging storms, and traversed vast lands, all in pursuit of your captivating presence.”
“Oh, my word,” said the woman in the sunflower dress, “I might need to have a lie down.” Her cheeks were already flushed as she stepped closer with her friend, both of them going gaga over the man. “Please, don’t stop.”
“The flame of my love blazes with a brilliance that eclipses a myriad of suns,” he continued, waving a hand in the air like he was performing on stage. “In your enchanting existence, I find the embodiment of every desire, for you are the sole woman who holds the key to my heart. To envision a single breath apart from you would be akin to the worst kind of torture imaginable, for life without you is but a fading shadow, a hollow existence devoid of purpose and joy.”
Okay, I wished a man would say that to me in real life. Any man. Well, not this man, of course. Yes, he was gorgeous, but he was also a boorish swine.
“You look like you need to hose yourself off,” he said to me.
“Pass the hose this way when you’ve finished,” the sunflower woman said, fanning her face. “By the way, my name is Larissa, and this is my best friend, Lucinda. What are you doing for the rest of your life?”
“You think that was romantic?” I asked the two of them.
“Yes,” they said in unison.
“He’s got my vote,” Larissa added.
“Mine too,” said Lucinda. “And my number, if he’ll take it.”
“All he did was read a passage written by someone else,” I said. “So, he knows how to read. Big deal.”
With another cocky look on his face, he handed me the book.
I blinked twice when I saw the cover.
Self-Care Journal.
I opened the book and flipped through it, then closed it.
The pages were blank.
“Nice trick,” I said, looking up at him and wondering how he’d done that. “Okay, so you have a monologue memorized from a college production you were in. It’s not the same. Just smoke and mirrors.”
“Mmm, mmm, mmm,” Lucinda murmured with a lusty school-girl grin. “He would look so fine in a nice pair of buckskin breeches.” She eyed the man up and down, clearly imagining him wearing them.
Larissa nodded enthusiastically. “And he can skip the shirt.”
“Now, you’re talking,” Lucinda said. “I would pay to see him chop some wood in the hot sun. Wipe his brow while his pecs glisten.”
