Page 141 of Watch Me Burn
“All of them. They’re not separate people, Luna. Just different facets of the same man.”
“Tell me about that man, Damien.”
The way she says my name, not with fear or disgust, but with something that sounds almost like tenderness, tightens my chest.
“I killed my first target when I was twenty-one.” I choose to start in the middle rather than at the beginning. The beginning is too dark. “He organized dog fights.”
Luna’s expression doesn’t change as she takes another small sip of her whiskey. “Did you plan it?”
“Yes.” I hold her gaze, refusing to soften this for her. If she wants the truth, she gets all of it. “Every detail. I’d been tracking him for months, learning his patterns. I wanted him to know exactly why he was dying.”
“And did he?”
“Yes.” The memory surfaces. His panicked eyes as understanding dawned, the pleading, the promises to change. Just as I used to plead. “They all do, in the end.”
Luna nods. “How many?”
“Fifteen hundred fifty-eight now.” I wait for the horror to register, for her to see the monster sitting across from her. “Including the ones you know about.”
Her eyes widen as she absorbs this, her fingers tightening around her glass. But she doesn’t jump up and run. She doesn’t even flinch.
“Why?”
I can’t sit still under her scrutiny. The truth is clawing at my throat, desperate to get out after decades of silence. I need to move. Need to put distance between us before I do something stupid like reach for her and beg her to save me from myself.
I stand, cross to the window, and set my glass on the desk as I pass it. Outside, the forest stretches vast and primeval, the perfect hiding place for predators like me.
“I was nine when my father decided to make a man out of me.” The words stick in my throat. I’ve never said this out loud. Not to anyone. Not even Cade knows the whole truth. “He’d been using his fists since I was five, but that wasn’t getting him the results he wanted.” I have to pause and force air into my lungs. “We had a German Shepherd named Rex. Beautiful dog. The only thing in that house that ever looked at me with love.”
Behind me, Luna inhales a sharp intake of breath, but I can’t turn around. Can’t see the horror that’s dawning in her eyes.
“My father said that caring about animals was for women and weaklings.” My hands clench into fists at my sides. “So, he decided to cure me of my softness.”
“What did he do?” Luna’s voice is almost inaudible.
The memory unfolds like a nightmare I can never escape. “He tied Rex to a post in our basement. Handed me a baseball bat.” My voice cracks, betraying the nine-year-old boy still trapped inside me. “He said if I didn’t beat the dog to death, he’d do it himself.”
Luna’s glass hits the floor, the crystal shattering like my childhood did that day.
“I begged him. Pleaded. Told him I’d do anything else.” The words are pouring out now, unstoppable. “But he just smiled that cold smile of his and said it was for my own good. That I’d thank him when I was older.”
I turn around, and the tears streaming down Luna’s face nearly break what’s left of my black heart.
“I couldn’t do it.” I swallow over the lump in my throat. “I dropped the bat and tried to run. But he caught me, tied me to the post next to Rex, and mademe hold him while he did it instead. Made me look into the dog’s eyes as he died. Made me feel his blood on my hands… my face.”
“Oh God, Damien.” Luna’s voice breaks on my name.
“Rex tried to protect me. He didn’t know I was the reason he was being hurt.” Another sob escapes her lips. “That’s when something died inside me too. Or maybe when something else was born.”
I cross back to her, kneeling in front of her chair, desperate to make her understand. Whiskey soaks through my pants while shards of glass I barely feel cut into my knees.
“My father didn’t stop there. Every few months, he’d bring home a new animal. Dogs mostly, but also cats. Even a rabbit once. And every time, he’d make me choose—kill it myself, or watch him kill it. He broke my hands more times than I can count because I tried to shield them from the blows. It went on for years. I started breaking their necks before the first blow. It was the only mercy I could give them.”
Luna’s expression softens, horror giving way to compassion. She reaches for me with trembling hands, cupping my face like I’m something precious instead of the monster I became. “You were just a child.”
“I was, until I wasn’t.” I lean into her touch, starving for gentleness after decades of self-imposed isolation. “My mother just stood by and let it happen. When they realized I wasn’t going to fall in line, they shipped me off to boarding school. I never saw them again until the night they died.”
“I thought you said they died in a home invasion when you were away at school.”
