Page 29 of Significant
We are stuck on a battlefield and there is no escape. Only certainty. Us, that thing linking us, it’s real. We might end up in bloodshed, or take the road of a dangerous skirmish. But we might also save ourselves from our own demons.
That’s the thing. In warfare, your enemy can become your ally at any moment. Maybe I don’t have to race against him. But with him.
The ashes of our past
“Your helmet.” Aaron hands me the helmet that I accept shyly.
I still can’t believe he booked the entire karting exclusively for us for the whole hour. Aaron has the afternoon free, tomorrow he’ll test the car again before racing on Sunday. He is screaming of bad boy vibes with his leather jacket and ripped jeans. The memory of our heated kiss is still haunting my mind, his touch leaving me craving for more. He is intoxicating my soul.I need to snap out of it.One thought at the time. One obsession at the time. I need to show him I’m not the damsel in distress of our first date. My curse was to be invisible, but with him, I feel very much alive.
I start to feel anxious; I’ve never raced before and I certainly don’t want to make a mess out of myself. I try to clip my helmet but struggle to tighten it.
“Let me do it.” He approaches me as I bite my lip, meeting his eyes like a defenseless doe. His masculine hands touch my skin gently as he clips it in one movement. He readjusts my hair, pulling it out of my face. I need to break out of this moment or we won’t do karting—but do me.
“This isn’t a fair race, Mr. LeBeau. You are a racing driver.” I lift my eyebrow before jumping into my kart, pretending I’m not at all anxious. I mean, it’s not like he didn’t explain to me the rules of karting, but instead of listening to him, I was fantasizing over his sweet, perfect lips.
He leans closer to my kart, his face dangerously close to mine. “Never admit defeat before being defeated.” He winks before leaving to take place into his kart.
There is no way back. I step on the kart pedal and start racing. The outside track has three undulating corners, one tight hairpin, two colossal straights, it’s perfect for fast speed and mastering the kart. I take the first laps at a slow pace, still insecure and not trusting myself with my driving skills. Something is holding me back, I can’t seem to go faster.Damn it, it’s just a freaking kart. Every time I begin to gain in speed, I panic and feel the urge to slow down, afraid to lose control. Aaron is patiently racing behind me; he doesn’t want to rush me. He is giving me time to adapt, to tame my kart.
I hear the rasp of his voice from behind. “You need to trust yourself, Elle.”
Trusting myself… that’s the thing, I don’t. How could I? My mother used to repeat constantly that I was her greatest failure. I couldn’t be imperfect, I couldn’t exist as myself. Just as with Stephan. The man who wanted to tame me. To make me his personal project. The man who said I wasn’t capable of achieving anything on my own. The man who broke me, physically and mentally inking himself into my soul. I’m broken. I stopped living, fearful of being imperfect. Fearful of being hurt again. Fearful of discoveringtheywere right.
“You should go ahead, Aaron, I’m too slow for you.” I blink away the tears while looking at the track.
“We race together.”Together…I turn my head to lose myself in his eyes behind his helmet. I find in it a new strength. A new hope. His words give me the confidence to push harder, to try harder. After all, life is like a race. You can be careful, but not live fully. You can crash and end up bruised. But mostly, you can awaken.
I take a deep breath, and my feet step on the pedal. Harder. Longer. I’m soon caught in a hellacious speed, losing control, freeing myself from my demons. I hear Aaron’s voice from afar cheering me on, but I can’t listen clearly. I’m in some sort of trance, where my new self is battling her older, insecure, and damaged self. Freedom. I had to wear a mask for so long that I ended up forgetting who I was beneath it, what I wanted and deserved. Sometimes, when you can’t express your feelings because no language can possibly describe them, you need to find a new way to let them go.
So, I race.
I race my demons.
I race my soul.
“I race you, Aaron!” I yell at him, a huge smile on my face.
I’ve never felt so good, so free. Aaron stays behind me, holding himself back and letting me win. I can’t help but smile, knowing he is doing this for me. “Race for real, LeBeau.” I cock my eyebrow at him, my voice sprightly. “Or I might think less of you.”
He laughs, gripping his steering wheel. “I was just trying to behave.”
Aaron races his kart so fast that within the first seconds he distances himself from me. Damn him. I try to hold on to him as much as I can, but I need to assume my evident defeat. He already finished his lap and is on the departure line, waiting for me.
“Satisfied?” He takes off his helmet, smirking.
“Not quite,” I respond in a flirty tone before passing in front of him, racing my car as fast as I can.
I let the speed consume my body. I’m pushing the kart toward the speed limit, exceeding 50mph, mastering it during the curves. I feel energized, I’m letting go of my insecurities, liberating myself. I’m caught in a war between the old me and the new me. The more I feel the speed, the more I disconnect myself from the world. It feels like a dream. I finally understand why Aaron is racing. In each race, he is freeing himself. In each race, he becomes something stronger than he is. I don’t think about crashing, I don’t think about failure anymore.
I escape.
I hear Aaron’s voice behind me telling me to slow down, that I’m going too fast. But I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t want to head back, I don’t want to feel. I’m caught in a world where my problems don’t exist, where I am someone else. I need to get closer. Closer to the finish line, closer to my own limits. I race like my life depends on it. This is it, I’m here. I take the tight corner, not reducing my speed and—
No!I lose control of my kart. I slam on the brakes, but it’s too late. I crash into the wall in front of me, and within the next seconds, I’m ejected from the kart. I fall on the ground, my helmet crashes on the hard tar, reducing the impact.Shit.My heart is beating, waiting for something wrong to happen. Seconds… minutes… I don’t know how much time has passed. I open my eyes, looking at my bruised hands from my fall. I stay seated on the ground, trying to figure out if I have broken anything, calming my nerves. It’s just a scratch. My top is ripped where my shoulder and clavicle hit the ground, but it’s a shallow cut. I peer in front, Aaron is running toward me brutally throwing his helmet. He is speaking, but what he is saying? I frown my eyebrows, trying to collect my focus while pulling my helmet out, but I hear only my heart hammering in my chest. What was I doing? I could have hurt myself badly.
“Fuck, Elle, are you okay?” Wolf leans down next to me, touching my face with his calloused hands. He caresses my forehead, my cheeks, before brushing his fingers over my shoulder where I got hit.
I remain weirdly calm, still under the shock of what happened. I close my eyes, trying to breathe and ignore the mental image of my crash. How could he do that? Crashing and getting back on track? I’m terrified, of what could have happened. I’m fine—physically at least, mentally I feel so stupid to have been that reckless. Once my heartbeat slows down, I open my eyes again to meet Aaron’s haunted and concerned eyes, like I just crushed the life out of him. He scrutinizes my body, his expression darkening into something new… sadness?
