Page 58 of Significant
He is capable of the greatest and of the worst. My savior or my downfall.
Devastating or healing.
Hell-bound or Heaven-sent.
He is the man I love.
The sea, the waves, the sand
Eight years old.
Dishes breaking.
Screaming.
Darkness consuming.
I sit upon the stairs, my face between the railing. Men don’t cry. Men don’t hide. Father was right, I’m a little boy. Maman yelps one more time before I hear a cracking loud sound. Henry told me to stay in bed, but I cannot. I dream of monsters, again. The stairs creak when I step closer to the kitchen. The wailing. The bouncing. I want Maman to hug me. Other boys’ parents hug them—but not my parents.
I open the door of the kitchen to stare at Papa, his arm clutching Maman whose tears have swallowed her face. He looks enraged, like the monster of my nightmare. Papa is a scary man, especially when his vein pops up on his forehead. Everyone is scared of him, no one says no to him, and when I grow up, I wanna be like him. A man and not a boy anymore.
Maman is howling that she loves Daddy so much that she wishes that he dies. And now, Maman is laughing with blood on her teeth.What’s wrong with Maman?She’s usually beautiful. Grown-up people said I look just like Maman, but now she is looking… dirty?
“Aaron!” Papa stares, furious at me, before grasping my arm violently, and I howl under his painful touch.
Why is Papa hurting me?He throws me against the wall, making me stumble and fall on the tiling. Blood. Oh no. The blood of my knee is spreading over my pajamas. It hurts, but I won’t cry. I glance at Maman, but she stares at me emotionless. Papa grabs my collar, forcing me to stand up. I don’t like his breath. It smells like the bottles he hides in his cabinet. It smells rotten.
“You’re gonna stay here, Aaron, and watch. If I see you move or cry, I’ll get very angry.Compris?” I nod. I never say no to Papa. But my body is trembling. I should have listened to Henry. I’m doing all the wrong things.
“Leave the kid alone, André,” Maman spits before rolling her eyes.
Papa laughs wickedly before bending Maman over the kitchen counter. “You never wanted him, Monique.”
Papa grabs Mother’s hair, fitting it into a fist like girls who wear ponytails. I see Maman closing her eyelids, while her throat is exposed in front of me; it seems to hurt Maman. “She never loved you, Aaron. Your mother is a whore. A cheating whore.” He pushes her head back on the table, her legs opening wider.Don’t close your eyes, Aaron, or Papa will be mad again.“I’ve given her a choice. Leaving with you, or accepting money and leaving us alone. And you know what she chose? Tell him, Monique.” My hands are sweating, my throat is dry, my belly turns into a knot.What Papa is talking about?
“Money. I’m sorry, Aaron. I just can’t. Forgive me—” Maman starts to howl, tears in her eyes, as Father covers her mouth with his fingers.Leaving me? But Maman loves me!
Papa unzips his pants as he takes Mom’s hair into his fist again. I’m scared. I take a step forward toward Maman, I don’t like what Papa is doing. He has an evil look on his face, it terrorizes me. But Papa points his finger at me, ordering me to not step forward.
“She chose money instead of you. She’s a whore, and tonight she’ll be treated like one in exchange for money.” My mouth starts to shake, and tears are in my eyes.Father is cruel and Maman doesn’t love me.
I close my eyelids, thinking this is all a nightmare. Breath Aaron. Think about your happy place. And it works. I don’t hear the sob, the screaming, I just see the ocean. The sea. The waves. The sand. Until I hear Father’s voice. “I told you to watch, Aaron!” I open my eyes wildly, a knot in my throat—I feel like I’m unable to breathe. “I’ll show you how to treat a woman.”
And then Papa hurts Maman. I hear a slamming sound, making Maman bounce all over the counter. Her legs spread, her skirt up.Are they making a baby?Papa is brutal, slapping Mama like Grandfather does to punish Henry and me when we behave badly. But Maman becomes red and—I can’t—I can’t watch that.
“Stop! Papa, stop!” I cry, collapsing against the wall. This is just a nightmare. Think about your happy place.The sea. The waves. The sand.
But Papa turns me around and slaps my cheek brutally. I looked away. I went against his orders. He pushes me on the floor, and even more blood comes. No. Not again. I look up, begging for Dad to stop, but my papa is gone. Only hatred. A monster. Papa’sthingis pointed up at me, it’s big. He stands me up and leads me by squeezing my hair to take a seat on the chair, to watch Maman from her profile. I cry out for her, but Maman stares blankly into nothing, telling me to stop crying.Why isn’t Maman dressing herself? Or moving?Maman doesn’t want that.
Papa continues to brutalize Maman, doing what beasts do in nature. Making babies. This is disgusting. I look away, but Dad’s voice frightens me. So I watch, but blood reaches my head, my body is trembling, and—Oh, no. I vomit on the floor. I’m in trouble. Papa makes a deep groan before pushing Maman away and telling her to take her bags and leave immediately. I call out for Maman, opening my arms for her to hold me and take me to bed. I don’t want to be alone with Papa, he scares me.
When she stares at me, I know Maman is gone, too. She mouths to me, “One day you’ll forget.” And she leaves. Abandoning me. Maman will never come back. She was wrong. I can’t forget what Papa did to her. I’m cold. Dirty. Ashamed. I did nothing to protect Maman.It’s my fault.If Maman never had me, would Papa never have hurt her? Papa walks toward me before he pushes me against the refrigerator.Is he gonna hurt me, too?
“Now, you belong to me, Aaron. Only me. I’m the only one who could ever love you, you know that, right?” Papa shakes my shoulders, forcing me to nod yes. I can’t stop my tears. Maman said she loves Papa, and now she’s gone. Papa says he loves me, but I’m terrified. Is this what love is?I wish to never love.“I love you, Aaron. That’s why I need to tame you. I’m gonna shape you until you’re just like me. And don’t forget women are whores, just like your mother. You love me, right? Tell me.”
A dry smile curves on his lips, and I feel disgusted. I want to vomit again. I nod at my father as he shakes my shoulders once more. He asks me to speak louder, yelling at me. I close my eyelids and cry out, “Yes, Papa. Yes, I love you. I’ll never leave you.”
“So if you love me, you’ll do as I say. You’ll obey me. You’ll watch until you don’t turn your eyes, like a man, okay? You’ll be like me, son.”But I’m scared, Dad.I don’t want to be like you.My head is heavy, I feel my heart inside of it, and I’m spinning. Again? He’ll do this again? No. No. No.
