Page 68 of Significant
Panic reaches my veins, I gasp for air, my body shaking. He wants me to say the L-word.I love him.I love him so much, but I can’t say it. Love is a destructive word. Mental images come back to my mind. My mother on her knees, pleading my father to not leave us. Crying at him, imploring, begging. She threw her pride at his feet, but he ripped it apart. He owned her, enslaved her, with the three words—I love you. She said it and he left us. Since that day, I was forbidden to use these words. Saying I love you, is a way to submit fully to the other. It has been banned from my language, a secret I shall keep for myself.
What if I say those words and he doesn’t say it back? What if history repeats itself?Like my mother said, a man is incapable of love. You can’t trust them.
That’s why I chose Stephan. He was a man I was sure I would have never fallen in love with. He was nice, polite, boring, the perfect husband to be. The good man, the one your family loves, the one who will never break you, on paper. And yet, he exercised a mental torture in me.I know you love me, my sweet.He knew he was owning me. Once I finally opened myself up to him, believing I’d found a contemporary prince, he showed his true face. My castle became my prison. Stephan became my nightmare. And my princess beauty vanished, became bruised, my soul consumed with pain and shame. And I never loved him. I love Aaron. The damages he could cost me are bigger. I’m not ready to live this nightmare again.
“I can’t,” I gasp. I can give him everything—everything but the word love.“Aaron, I—”
“It’s, fine, Elle. I don’t want your pity.” He draws a long breath, and I know I just put a dagger into his heart. His face, half-scintillant from the moonlight, half aphotic. The bioluminescence of our chemistry is silently fading. “You were looking for a prince all along, and I’m not that type of man, right?” Tears slide down as I watch Aaron breaking for the first time. He is mortal, after all. “He was right,” he speaks to himself, a loathsome expression on his face.
He is just like me.Unconfident about love. I see only an empyrean, seraphic beauty in him. And yet someone in his past damaged him, to the point he sees only his own darkness. We’re the same. That’s why I can’t give him what he wants.
“Don’t say that. You’re incredible, you’re—”
“—Do you know why I proposed you the agreement?” He cuts me off, his agitation growing.
“No.”
“I always wanted you. From the moment I saw you, Elle.”
My heart drops. Crashing into the ground, dividing itself, as pieces of broken glass. The sharpened edges of my remaining heart like daggers cutting my soul. His piercing eyes don’t leave mine and assist in my decomposition.
“It was physical at first. But that night, you weren’t like any of the women I’ve met. I wanted to get to know you.” He takes a step toward me, domineering me with his height. “But the only way I could have made you fall for me, or have you, was to have an agreement with you.”
“Why?” My voice is trembling, weeping, howling.
“Because, if I’d have asked you on a date without playing a game, you would have never accepted it. I needed an opportunity to see you again.” He looks at the ground for an instant. “So, if I had an agreement with you, we would have to see each other, and with time… I could conquer you.”
Just as I feel stuck in limbo, completely belonging to the darkness, the rain falls, the storm grounding around us. The few people on the street are running away, escaping the brutality of the downpour, but we don’t move. Accepting it fully. The elements a reflection of what’s inside our hearts.
“But the first night we slept together, you ran away? And what about your sponsors and your house team?” Hundreds of questions are spiraling in my mind.
I always thought I was a game for him. But he made the game for me.
“I was afraid to hurt you. I lost control, and it never happened to me. I finally felt, and it scared the shit out of me.” He clears his throat before his eyes provoke mine. “I’m Aaron LeBeau, do you really think I needed to do all that to have a racing contract? Sure, the media were on my back, but a part of me wanted the world to know you’re mine.” I remember Monica’s words.Aaron doesn’t do something he doesn’t want to do.The agreement was a lie. Aaron did all that because he wanted me. All along.
He trapped himself by wanting to possess me, but I ended up possessing him.
“Like I told you. I always wanted you. Even when I didn’t know it myself.” He caresses my cheek, bringing his forehead closer to mine, the deluge of the rain washing away our sins, our pasts.
We’re both a Masquerade.We wear masks hiding our true selves from everyone, except for us. I always knew something stronger was uniting us. He is the missing half of my soul. We’re from the same essence, and yet, we’re the opposite parts, completing each other.
“Aaron… I…” I lean in to kiss him, but he pulls away.
“I know how painful it is for you to say it. I know it’ll rip you apart. I know what it’ll mean for you. That you lose your control to me. That you belong to me.” His eyes darken, and all I see is pain. He demands for me to hurt myself on purpose, to give him what his demons need. Destroying myself to save us. A sacrifice. “That’s why it’s the ultimate proof.” His eyes lock on mine, trying to make me sink into his side. “I’m fighting for you. But now it’s your time to fight for me.”
Against all odds, Aaron did fight his demons for me. He was always here. Rescuing me. Giving me what I yearn for. And now, he needs me to rescue him. I wish I could say it. I want to. But I can’t. The destruction he can cause me is equal to the love I have for him. It’s as strong as the anger of the gods. He pushed me away once, leaving me like a soulless ghost. Admitting my love for him will mean I’m enslaving myself. My tears are bleeding through my eyes, I’m hurting, but I’m incapable to say those words. I’m damaged, I know that. But my fears are owning me, paralyzing me.
“Can we take it slow?” I beg, knowing we’ve never been able to take it slow. With us, it has always been all or nothing.
“No, it’s not enough, Elle.”
And just like that, I created our apocalypse. The beginning of our end. As he turns his back to walk away from me, I feel like I’m drowning deeper in the water, until I reach the end of the aphotic zone. I remain stoic, owned by chaos.
“I can’t leave you here alone. I’ll accompany you to your hotel.” He turns away, and I nod, incapable of speaking.
We walk in silence until reaching the door that symbolizes the end. The storm becomes quiet, I feel the nothingness. The nil. We stand here awkwardly, knowing that each second of silence is tearing us miles away from each other. Our story, all the months I knew him, scrolling through my mind, the passion and the heartbreaks, from the end to the beginning.
“I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper, looking nowhere, my fingers trying to interlace with his.
