Page 53 of On Dancer
“I know.” His tone was resigned. “But is it so wrong to want a proper goodbye?”
“No.” I should have felt relieved that he wasn’t fighting me any longer about parting, but all I felt was sad. Disappointed, although I’d been the one to so firmly shut the door. A strange numbness settled over me. I didn’t like it. “I want that too.”
Alexander was right in that I wasn’t ready to say goodbye and walk away that instant. I wanted to lose myself in him one last time. Thus, we ducked out of the party and dashed to the train station. We rode back to Hollyberry in near silence, holding hands the whole time. There was nothing left to say, at least not with words.
The train arrived at the nearly deserted Hollyberry train station, and we stepped into the frigid night. I dropped his hand only long enough to pull on my gloves and zip my coat up to my chin, a losing battle to fight off the chill. Alexander did the same before yanking my hand back and setting off at a determined pace.
I was about to point out how much longer his legs were than mine when he pulled up short. A roar echoed from the bar on Main Street. A few cars honked, and voices filtered out from a nearby restaurant.
“Ten, nine, eight…”
“It’s almost midnight.” Alexander’s voice was urgent. I grabbed the lapels of his wool coat, kissing him with desperate intensity, right there in the middle of Hollyberry. He met me with the same frantic energy as we rang in our one and only New Year.
Someone hooted. Cars honked. In the distance, a few illegal fireworks boomed. And we kept right on kissing.
“Get a room,” someone yelled.
“Excellent idea.” Alexander chuckled against my lips. Even his laugh was bittersweet. “Race you to your bed.”
He won easily, of course. Further proof that he was fully healed from his knee injury. We were maybe six weeks removed from our first kiss, yet those early days of icing his knee and playing cards seemed years prior. We’d lived a lifetime this holiday season.
We dropped our coats and gloves by my apartment door. Our shirts landed somewhere near the couch as we traded more kisses while undressing each other. We left our pants in puddles by my tiny dining table, and our underwear didn’t last past the bathroom door. We landed in a naked heap on my bed.
By some unspoken agreement, we huddled under the covers like we could escape the whole world this way.
“Alexander.” I gasped his name as I pulled him on top of me, needing his weight as an anchor against the never-ending tide of emotions.
“I’m here.” He met my gaze in the dim light from my bedside lamp, blue eyes impossibly sad. And he was here, in this moment, fully present. Our connection had never felt stronger or more real.
And Alexander clearly felt it too as he deepened his kiss, demanding everything I had to give. I happily yielded to him as our bodies moved together. Orgasm seemed too close and way too far away all at the same time. But coming would mean an ending, so I was happy to ride this endless wave of heartbreak and pleasure.
“Rudy.” Alexander was the one to pull away this time, staring down into my eyes. “I think I l?—”
“Don’t say it.” I cut him off with a hard kiss. Much as he had while we’d been looking at holiday lights, I couldn’t let him say the words that would slice me open because they wouldn’t change a damn thing. “Just be here now.”
“I am.” He surged against me, our cocks rubbing together, electric friction.
“Good.” Selfishly, I wanted to imprint onto his skin. Hell, I wanted to own his heart. I hadn’t let him say the words, but I thrilled to the knowledge nonetheless. And I felt it too, this near-crazed need. “I want you. Feels like I’m never going to stop wanting you.”
That was as close as I could come to admitting my own feelings. Apparently, it was enough for Alexander, who thrust against me harder while sucking on my tongue. He kissed me so deeply that our souls seemed to touch. I’d wanted to leave my mark on him, yet he’d already done the same for me. My heart knew his and always would.
As much as I wanted our lovemaking to last, the combination of his cock against mine and his soul-stirring kisses made me move faster with him. My body no longer sought permission from my brain, and I followed his rhythm as easily as if this were a dance we’d rehearsed a thousand times.
“Rudy.” He came, hot and urgent against my stomach. The novelty of him going first was enough to tip me over as well.
“Alexander.” I gritted out his name as my climax pummeled me, harsh waves that swept through me, clearing out every stray thought until all I knew was him. I clung to him as our come mingled. We kissed our way softly back to ourselves.
Finally, Alexander broke away enough to grab a nearby towel from my shower before the party, a million years ago. He cleaned us up before rejoining me under the covers.
“I am going to miss you terribly.” He held me so tightly I could feel his heart hammering and the rise and fall of his breath.
“Part of me doesn’t want to sleep.” I gave a bitter chuckle at the juvenile impulse to stave off the inevitable. Sleep meant waking, which meant goodbye, and I wanted to bypass all of that and hibernate here forever.
“We can sleep later.” Alexander kissed my head. “I don’t want to waste a second.”
“We could always play a game to stay awake,” I offered.
“I love that idea.” He gave me the saddest of smiles. Consequently, dawn found us wrapped in piles of covers, sitting in the center of my bed, playing cards and ignoring the rising sun. Eventually, we would have to sleep. Goodbye wouldn’t wait forever, but I let myself pretend a little longer.
