Page 56 of On Dancer
“I’m not worried about that.” I gave a weary sigh. New year, same tired discussion.
“Good. I was just telling Waylon what an amazing job you did with ensuring the production was a big hit.”Huh.My mother’s smile widened, her pride seemingly genuine. “The public schools want us back, season ticket sales are up, and enrollment in the winter session of classes is booming.”
“You were bragging about me to Waylon?” I narrowed my gaze. Waylon, Helen, and their families had taken up much of my mother’s annual holiday letter that she included with her cards. My work at the school had merited a mention, but not the paragraphs of my siblings. “You’re always going on about me getting a real job. Waylon and Helen are the true success stories.”
“I love all my children equally. I’m proud of all of you. I’m sorry if I’ve caused you to think otherwise.” My mother rubbed my shoulders. “And truth be told, I have a fair amount of guilt over needing so much of your help last year. That’s behind a lot of my fretting. I don’t want to hold you back from living your life.”
“You’re not.” I spun in my office chair so I could meet her gaze. “Perhaps our sibling rivalry has limited my ability to hear praise. And this school might mean the world to you, but you being here to run it means everything to me.”
“Well, I owe a lot to you.” My mother’s eyes turned misty. “I couldn’t have made it through the last year without you.”
I stood so I could give her a hug. Truth be told, I needed the hug too. I didn’t like thinking about how different last year could have gone. Her health was a continued gift, one I’d been guilty of overlooking in my irritation over my siblings.
Indeed, I’d let that irritation cloud my own sense of self-worth. I flashed back to the New Year’s Eve party and how out of place I’d felt. How much of that was due to misplaced shame over my underemployment? I’d spent the whole time with Alexander convinced he could do so much better than me, instead of giving myself credit for everything I had to offer. I wanted to tell him this new insight, but he was gone. The realization made me hug my mother tighter, like a kid seeking comfort.
“Love you too,” I mumbled into her hair.
“And now that I’m back to my old self, I just want to make sure you’re happy, whatever that means for you.” She stepped back from the hug to give me a searching looking. “I love you working here, but we’d survive if you felt called elsewhere.”
“Thank you for saying that.” I gave her another hug in large part to hide my own damp eyes. Did I feel called elsewhere? My head hurt. I was no longer sure about anything.
“I mean it.” Her tone turned stern. “You’ve been so down this week. You deserve to be happy.”
“Post-holiday funk.” I channeled Alexander’s indifference, right down to the hand wave and dismissive tone. “Don’t worry yourself.”
“If you’re sure…” She quirked her mouth as if she wanted to say more, so I forced another bright smile.
“I’m sure.” I returned to my chair. “As soon as I finish up here, I have a Friday game night tonight. That will help.”
“Enjoy, darling.” Mom didn’t sound entirely convinced, which was fine because I also lacked certainty as to what might help my funk. But Troy had sent out the invites for the first game night of the new year, and I hadn’t been able to summon a decent excuse.
After completing the flyer, I gathered my decks and the cheese plate I’d picked up earlier. The cheese plate made me think of Alexander, but then, every little thing made me think of Alexander, from my rumpled bed to my shark deck to the back stairs to my apartment.
Sighing at my ridiculousness, I headed to Troy’s store, resigned to endure the evening.
“You made it!” Irma, at least, was happy to see me. “I made champagne-and-strawberry-inspired whoopie pies since this is the first game night of the new year.”
“And we did seaweed wraps for anyone making healthy resolutions.” Ari floated over. The vegetable wraps were almost the same shade as her emerald evening gown, which she’d worn again.
“Any resolutions for you?” Chris came up on my other side. He wore a Hollyberry Elementary sweatshirt and his usual wide grin.
“Not really.” I’d been far too down about Alexander leaving to make a single resolution this year. My conversation with mymother, though, had me contemplating whether I should resolve to work on my self-esteem.
You’re cute, hot, and sweet. There’s no one else I’d rather take to this party.Alexander’s comment on the train rang in my ears. God, I missed him so much. My chest ached.
“Not even to drink more coffee now that your ballet dancer has left?” Chris raised his eyebrows at me.
“He’s not my dancer.” I sounded so forlorn that Ari turned back from arranging her seaweed wraps to give me a hug.
“But you wish he were.” Chris guessed accurately, and some of the sparkle dimmed from his eyes.
“Yeah.” I hated letting the guy down, but my heart had an Alexander-sized hole that wouldn’t be easily filled. “It might be a while before I…drink coffee.”
“No worries.” Chris used an easy tone, but he glanced around the room, undoubtedly looking for an escape from my sadness over Alexander.
“Are you going to do the whole bi-coastal thing?” Ari asked, keeping one arm around me. “My sister and her then-fiancée did that when they were in different PhD programs.”
“That sounds miserable.” I groaned at the mere thought of years’ worth of graduate school on opposite coasts. “And hard. They broke up?”
