Page 46 of Heart Stopping
"It's the little things that help to keep us grounded," he said. "If we didn't have that, we'd lose ourselves. According toresearch, people like us often create intricate fantasies and then try to live them out. Crocheting helps to remind me of what's real."
"Most of my intricate fantasies are about finding everyone who hurt my sister," I said.
Others involved paddles and orgasms.
"What will you do after that?" Archer took my hand and we walked slowly down the tunnel toward the Contessa. "When they're all dead. Have you thought about that?"
His hand was firm and warm in mine, reassuring. Some simplicity amid all of the complications.
"Not really," I admitted. "Part of me doesn't think it's possible to find them all. What if they're already dead? What if I never find them?" I exhaled, hard and frustrated.
"Even if I find them all, there's other monsters out there. How can I stop, knowing what I know? Knowing that if I let them slide, they'll hurt more innocent people?"
He squeezed my hand. "Yeah, same. There's always going to be someone. While there's even one of them left, I can't let it go."
"Exactly," I whispered. "There's always going to be another monster waiting in the shadows." Until they were all dead or I was, I'd keep doing what I was doing.
"You're beautiful when you're vengeful," Archer said.
We reached another door, also locked from this side. He pulled out the lock pick and worked this one open.
The second door led into a room that was pitch black except for the light from our phones. It seemed to be a storeroom forgotten by time. To one side, a handful of chairs were covered in dust. What looked like paintings leaned against the opposite wall, just as dusty.
"How did you know about this place?" I asked.
"I have my ways," was all he said. "There should be a stairway up ahead that leads into the back corridors of the hotel. From there, we need to take the service elevator."
"I feel like a kid," I said.
"You crept around in hotels at two o'clock in the morning as a kid?" He moved his phone around, looking for the stairs.
"You'd be surprised," I said dryly. "But no, my sister and I used to play hide and seek. The basement of our building was our favorite place. It was dark, creepy and full of stuff. Sometimes, we'd go down there with a flashlight and a book and curl up for hours and read."
"You have good memories of your sister?" He shone the phone toward me before realizing the light was in my eyes and shining it away. "Sorry."
"I have the best memories." I blinked a couple of times to recover my vision. "Sometimes we'd fight, like siblings do, but mostly we got along. What they did to her— I feel like I let her down."
I was the big sister, it was my job to make sure nothing happened to her. Mine and my parents’, but when they couldn't, I should have. I should have been able to protect her.
Archer pulled me over to him and drew me closer, his hand slipping out of mine and going to my lower back.
"You did not let her down," he whispered fiercely, his mouth an inch from mine. "They did. Your father. Those men.Theydid that. If you knew what they were planning, you never would have let them near her. You would have doneeverythingyou could to stop them. Anything."
"How could I not know?" I argued, without heat or force. "How can I have missed the signs that something was going on? I look at it now and it seemed…obvious. My father was being squirrelly. I should have guessed, I should have known."
"Do. Not. Blame. Yourself." He was insistent. His breath brushed my lips, body pressed against mine. "Men like that, they wouldn't have let you get in their way. They would have killed you or you would have ended up like her. Used and then thrown away." He sounded stabby.
"She and I could have run away," I said. He was right, I knew that. I couldn't have stopped it any more than I could stop the sun from rising. That wouldn't lessen the guilt that plagued me. It wouldn't help me sleep better at night. It wouldn't stop me from dreaming about her, or the deaths of her tormentors I found and dealt with.
"You could have tried," he said. "That would have ended one of two ways. One, they find you and everything happens the way they wanted it to happen. Or two, you spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. Maybe trying to get them before they get you."
"I'd take the second one if it meant my sister was still alive," I said without hesitation. It seemed like a small price to pay.
"You might not have had a choice," he said. "You don't know what might have gone down. None of us do. We can make the present and the future the best we can, that's it. I know it sucks, but would she want you to blame yourself?"
"Of course not," I said immediately. "She would have wanted…" I sighed out my nose. "Me to get on with my life and put her behind me. I can't do that either. I can't put her memory to rest until they're all gone to Hades."
Sometimes I wondered if eternal torture was enough, but it wasn't for me to decide. Nor did I really believe in it. If I could choose, I'd prefer they'd get reincarnated as something nasty and short-lived, like a mosquito. Or a flea. Maybe a turkey that makes people happy by ending up Christmas dinner.
