Page 49 of Disciplinary Action
“In my professional life, I was thriving. I was an expert in my field. A doctor. A researcher. One of the youngest professors to ever receive tenure. But in my personal life, I wasn’t allowed to make the simplest decisions for myself. He chose what I ate and when. Decided we couldn’t have children. Said I wasn’t responsible enough for pets. He decided what friends I could keep and who I could associate with. He withheld affection as punishment. He ignored me. Stopped speaking to me for days over the smallest thing. He decided when we went to the gym, where we went on vacation, what I wore, how our home was decorated. The collar I’d accepted the night he proposed became a noose around my neck, tightening daily.”
“Did you still love him?” Cal asked, threading their fingers together.
“Yes. That’s the bitch of it. I loved him so much, but I resented him, too. I had consented to be his submissive. His boy. I hadn’t consented to be his slave. His subservient in and out of the bedroom. I wasn’t a partner. I was a pet. His punishments became increasingly belittling. Some days, I wasn’t even allowed to sleep in the bed. He became short-tempered and hostile towards me. Des begged me to leave, but I didn’t know how to function without Grant, which only made me more resentful. I’d somehow let him turn me into my mother.”
Gideon gave a shuddering sigh. He’d never said any of this out loud. He’d shared bits and pieces with Des over the years since he was Gideon’s oldest friend, the one he’d refused to let go of. But nobody else—not even to the grief therapist he’d sat with for the first year after Grant died.
“It sucks loving somebody whose love comes with conditions,” Cal said, wrapping his arms around Gideon’s neck. “Is that why you were never with the same boy twice? You were afraid of becoming Grant?”
Gideon’s heart slammed against his chest. “Maybe. But a bigger part of me worried I would become my father or worse, some hybrid monster molded from the worst parts of both of them.”
“You’re nothing like them,” Cal swore, eyes wide. “Nothing.”
Gideon turned dull eyes to Cal. “My dad wasn’t always the monster he became. Neither was Grant in the beginning. They changed bit by bit, so slowly that I didn’t notice until it was too late. Some part of me worries that wanting to dominate another, to punish them, makes me no better than them.”
Cal shook his head vehemently. “I didn’t know Grant or your father, but I know you. You check in with me all the time. You would never ignore my safe word. You punish me because I like it. You were willing to pay me and let me walk away the night we met. You offered to take care of me financially until I finish college without asking for anything in return. Your father and Grant didn’t get off on inflicting pain, they got off on the power. They got off on making somebody bend to their will. Abuse is about creating a power imbalance. BDSM is about a power exchange.”
Gideon couldn’t help his look of surprise. “Where did you learn that?”
“I read up on it while I was in the hospital, after you said I could live with you. I wanted to make sure I was doing it right.” Gideon swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, but Cal wasn’t done talking. “You would never make me sleep on the floor, and you even let Alexa sleep right in bed with us. Besides, I like when you take care of me. I like having somebody make decisions for me when we’re home. I like pleasing you. I love your punishments. When you’re in charge, the rest of the world just falls away. I’m not submitting to you because I love you. I love you because submitting to you makes my head quiet.”
As soon as the words fell from his lips, Cal slapped a hand over his mouth, his face flushing bright pink in the darkness.
Gideon pulled the boy’s hand from his lips. “What?”
“I have… I have to go to the bathroom,” Cal muttered, eyes filling with tears as he tried to make his escape.
“Whoa, no way. Get back here.”
Cal fought him. “No. Just let me go.”
“Stop fighting me, little bird,” Gideon commanded, putting weight behind his command.
Cal stopped moving but didn’t return to Gideon’s lap. He sat where he was, shoulders shrinking in on himself where he was, his humiliation so heavy it felt like a living, breathing creature between them. “I didn’t mean it,” Cal whispered, tears spilling onto his cheeks.
Even though Gideon knew it was a lie, something twisted in his chest at Cal’s denial. He should just let him take it back. It was the safest course of action. They were a temporary thing. They had to be. But still, he couldn’t stop himself from murmuring, “You didn’t mean it or didn’t mean to say it?”
“Does it matter?”
“It does to me,” Gideon promised, swiping his thumbs over Cal’s cheeks. “Stop crying, baby. Please come here.”
Cal inched closer, like a stray leery of his rescuer, still refusing to look at Gideon. It was as if he was worried that if he made eye contact, Gideon would say the words Cal was dreading. Or maybe Gideon was projecting. He couldn’t stand the look on Cal’s face or that he was the one who put it there. Still, there were a million hurdles between them.
“This thing between us…” Gideon started.
“Yeah, I know. It’s temporary. I get it.”
“Stop putting words in my mouth,” Gideon said. “Look, the truth is, I can’t imagine how this would work for us long-term. You’ll be leaving for college soon, and I’ll be back to teaching grad students. I’m twenty-five years older than you. You are supposed to be falling in love and breaking up with boys your own age right now, doing spring break in Cancun and making a ton of mistakes. I’m at an age where I should be thinking about kids or finding somebody my own age to settle down with.”
“Yeah, I said I get—” Cal’s voice was thick.
“But none of that negates the fact that I’ve fallen for you too,” Gideon said, cutting him off.
Cal’s head snapped up, a surprised gasp escaping. “What?”
Gideon couldn’t believe he was doing this. The truth was the absolute worst possible thing for them in the long run, but he didn’t want to lie to Cal, even for his own good. “I love you, little bird. But I still don’t know how or if this can ever work between us.”
“Let’s just worry about that later,” Cal said, launching himself into Gideon’s arms, hugging him hard, burying his face against his neck.
