Page 33 of Bursting With Love
“You’re not like that anymore?” she asked.
“They are, I guess, but…” He took her hand. “You know what? I can’t sit and talk. I’m sorry. I thought I could, but this is making me a little anxious. Can we walk a little?”
They walked down the hill toward the stream. The sky was clear, and the moonlight filtered through the umbrella of trees, illuminating their path. Jack’s chest constricted, thinking about the things he wanted to tell Savannah. Before they got any further involved, she needed to know who he was—and the secrets he’d been hiding. He’d have to figure out a way to ease them in.
“Tell me about your parents,” Jack said.
Her eyes lit up again. “My dad is the best. He’s a thoroughbred horse breeder, and he still lives on the ranch where I grew up in Weston, Colorado. He’s this big, burly cowboy. Gosh, I love him so much.”
She turned away with a dreamy look in her eye, and it made Jack think about his father and how proud of him he’d always been. His father fought for his country; he took care of his family. To Jack, he was everything, until their relationship had fallen apart, and now he wondered if he’d ever feel that way again.
Savannah continued. “Rex helps him run the ranch. Treat, my oldest brother, owns resorts all over the world, but when he and Max, his wife, first got engaged, he moved back home to help on the ranch and to be closer to Max. Now he basically runs his business from there.”
Jack wanted to know everything about her, and when she spoke of her family, her whole face lit up. He didn’t want to take away that spark, but he wanted to know more about her family and about the loss of her mother.
“You mentioned that you lost your mom. Would you like to share that with me, or is it too painful?” They walked along the bank of the stream, and Savannah was quiet for a beat too long. Jack realized he’d touched on a sensitive subject.
“She died when I was little.”
She glanced at him, and he could tell she was trying to smile, but the tug never curled her lips up. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a warm kiss to the back of her fingers.
“I’m sorry, Savannah. You must miss her terribly. If it’s too difficult to talk about, we don’t have to.”
“It’s okay. I miss her, but I had just turned four. I didn’t really know her, and I don’t remember her. I only really remember what Treat and my dad have told me over the years.” She took a deep breath. “So, that’s my story. Why aren’t you close to your family anymore?”
Jack had been trying to figure out how to tell her about the fallout after Linda’s death, but no matter how he turned it in his mind, he always came back to the same conclusion. Savannah would learn that Linda’s death was his fault no matter how he told the story. Nothing after that mattered. Once she knew that, he was sure she’d walk away and never look back.
“After Linda’s accident, I was pretty messed up. We’d just set up a nursery and were going to try to have a baby.” He tightened his grip on her hand just so he could feel something other than the guilt that was creeping up the back of his neck and clawing at his throat. “But we never had a chance. She died the weekend before we were going to start trying.”
“Oh, Jack. I’m so sorry. That must have been devastating.”
“I have always wanted a family, so it was really hard. My family was all over me, trying to take care of me, get me to talk to therapists, you know. They were trying to help me through it.”
“That’s good, right? They love you.”
“It should have been, yes. But I wouldn’t let them. I couldn’t let them. Savannah, I’m not sure how to explain any of this. It was like someone took my soul and shredded it to pieces, then threw it into the wind, and I was left grasping for the pieces and trying to pull myself back together.” The night of the accident came rushing back. The blinding storm that had doubled in power over the thirty minutes she’d been gone, the flashing lights of the ambulance and fire trucks. The smell of burning oil and rubber and the flames. Oh dear Lord, the flames. Jack let out a loud breath, trying to keep the memory from lodging itself into the forefront of his mind again. He finally felt like his head was on straight, and it had felt good not to live under that cloud of guilt, even if for only a day. He wanted that feeling more than anything else in his life—including Linda—and with that thought came the strangulation of guilt. Damn it. Will this ever end?
“Jack?” Savannah touched his shoulders. “Jack, you’re shaking.”
