Page 36 of Flirting With Disaster

The man was an idiot. “It’s called love, Beck. It’s not a disease. And this is the first time for me, actually.”

“Well you picked the wrong guy for your first time. I’m cursed, don’t you see that? Everyone who gets near me is in danger. You got shot because of me.”

“You’re whining. It’s unbecoming.”

“I brought you into this because I wanted you, had to have you.” He paced across the room and glanced out the window. “Love just isn’t in my DNA. Alcoholism is.”

She needed him gone. His excuses for why he didn’t love her ripped her apart, but she’d never allow him the satisfaction of seeing it. “Alcoholism is a devastating disease, but it can be controlled, Beck. You can still live a full life.” She zipped then lifted her suitcase from the bed. “Good luck with everything.”

He faced her again. “Christ, you’re awful serene. You sure you love me? Because, from where I’m standing, you look like a woman getting ready to sort laundry. I…I can’t be what you want, Jude.”

“Are you saying I’m needy?” She couldn’t help her shrill tone. He was pissing her off.

He ran a scarred hand over his face. “Everything about you is needy. Those cat eyes, that centerfold body, that…that brain of yours. You scream ‘take me, love me, be with me.’ It’s taking everything I have not to come over there and grab on to you for dear life.”

Jude waited, hoping he’d recognize his ridiculousness.

“All of it makes me need you, and I don’t want to need you. I shouldn’t need anyone.”

“Needing someone isn’t bad, Beck. It’s vulnerable. And vulnerability can be a good thing where love is involved.”

He shook his head. “If I become vulnerable, I’ll inevitably drag you down with me when I spiral. I can’t do that to you, Jude. I can’t do love or relationships. Especially with y—”

“Yeah, I know. But I’m a big strong girl, Beck.” God, he made her feel worthless. “I know about my parents and I know about Elizabeth. And I still somehow love you and know you are a wonderful man. Amazing, isn’t it? How destructive our self image can be? You’re letting yours ruin your life.”

“I killed her.”

“Elizabeth killed herself. You had a fight. Something people do and then they work it out. Rational people don’t kill themselves. You had no chance to save her, Beck. That was all on her. And the plane? You were a stupid, irresponsible kid. I think you feel enough remorse for a thousand people.”

He locked his hands behind his head and exhaled forcefully.

Jude sighed. “You’re good to go. No need to keep repeating yourself. I didn’t ask you to come here, so stop with the guilt. I understand many love affairs terminate because the love one person has is not reciprocated by the other, and I’m okay with that. Look at poor Evan. I forgot about him the first minute I saw you, and your talents are nothing compared to Evan’s skills with lip liner. And have you seen my surgeon? I’ll be lucky to get out of here without him proposing to me again. He makes you look like Yoda. No offense. It took me a while to figure it out, but the opinions of the Harry Strubel’s of this world don’t mean shit to me anymore. I’m Jude Duffy and I can swim!”

His crestfallen features were a façade she was sure he’d mastered in acting school. “What if I don’t want you to go?”

“You’ll either get over it or you’ll man up and decide your demons don’t feed off of love. They feed off your fear, and those fears can’t be conquered unless you face them. You taught me that. You’ll never know if you can overcome until you try, Beck.”

She pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth and forced a smile. “Now, I’ve got things to do. My Tantric massage therapist is waiting for me in New York.” She’d be damned if she’d let him see her pain. Damned if she let him pity her or see her cry. “I won’t be another man’s millstone. I’m better than that. Take care and, hey, good luck with that career you hate but think you need.”

“I do this for both of us, Jude!”

She shook her head in disbelief. “Not for me, you don’t.” There was no ‘us’. There never had been. He’d made sure of that.

“The money has been going into your trust since I started acting fifteen years ago.”

She stilled, her mouth dropping like a guppy. “Well, you can take every damn pity penny back.”

* * * *

The movie schedule was gruesome, the weather bleak and his life…meaningless.

Beck had spent the last month immersed in work, but nothing helped. He couldn’t stop thinking of Dr. Jude Duffy.

Why, he had no idea.

Which was a lie.

His job was to be his focus, his rehab, where all his concentration and efforts could be channeled to keep the demons at bay.

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