Page 14 of Dark Lust

Okay. Next caller.

“Laura? Oh God, I hope you can help me.”

Well, what’s wrong? And don’t cry, it makes you sound like a whimpering puppy dog on the air. It can’t be that bad.

“My boyfriend and I were messing around. We were getting pretty hot and heavy and I told him I just couldn’t. He got all mad and called me a frigid tease. I offered to give him a hand job but he said either give it up or he’d be gone.”

Good girl. How old are you?

“I’m eighteen. The problem is, I was worried about it hurting. I mean, I’ve let him finger me and stuff but I was scared it might really hurt. So I…umm… I tried something.”

Like what? An anal plug? A rim job? What?

“Well, he was pouting in my room and I went to the bathroom and one thing led to another. I wanted to go back and do it, but I really wanted to make sure I could. So, I tried masturbating a little to get loosened up. You know, get really wet? So I used my coke bottle and now…uh…it’s stuck.”

OH MY GOD. Talk about funny. I bet he’d get a kick out of that. Oh sorry. Hmm, this is touchy. Did it have any soda in it when you started?

“Just a little to get it slippery. I’ve had it in there for about five minutes, and I keep pulling on it and it’s really deep inside. My opening is stretched wide and it rubs right against the bottle. I am so scared.”

Just relax. Let’s see, if you’re lucky there was enough soda in it that if you stand on your head and wiggle around, you’ll get some gas going and a pussy burp will break the seal. On a serious note…you probably just need to relax and it will loosen by itself. Try rotating it.

“Okay. Mmm…ohhh…it seems to be…mmm…oh man, those little bumps really make it…ohhhhh…mmm…mmm…it’s…rubbing right against my G-spot as I turn it…ahhh…”

We’ll be right back after this short station break.

* * * * *

“Now relax. We’re off the air. Can you get it looser as you twist it?”

“Mmm, oh, no, but…damn this feels wonderful.”

“This is all I need. A soda bottle-shaped joy wand. Can you get it off?”

“Oh fuck. No, but it sure as shit is getting me off. This is a twenty-ounce. Imagine what a two-liter feels like? Oh shit…ohhhhhh…Oh. My. God. I’m going to come.”

* * * * *

Okay, we’re back. Uh…we were talking to a woman about her soft drink problem.

“Oh my…ahhhhhh, mmmm…yes, yes, oh right there, riiiiiiiiiiight… mmmmmm…aaaahhhhhhh.”

POP

Hello, caller? Helloooooo? Are you okay?

“Oooooooh. Yeah, the bottle got off and so did I. Thanks for your help Laura. I’m going to go talk to my boyfriend and offer him a soda.”

I have such sick callers. I hope she gives him a different bottle.

Next caller, are you there?

“I’m a little embarrassed at calling in but maybe you can help me.”

Go for it. What’s up?

“Um…I have a problem that I need your advice on.”

Don’t tell me, let me guess. Premature ejaculation, you’re gay, you’ve got a small pecker, or you don’t know how to perform oral sex on a woman, or a man, maybe it’s just that you’re a frustrated asshole without a life so you call me to give you the answers to the pitiful sexual problems you have!

---