Page 87 of Kayla's Cowboy

“You’ll be the only geek cowboy in school,” DeeDee told her brother. “We’ll call you a cow-punching computer nerd—sort of like cowcompnerd.”

“You’re soooo funny,” he told her, rolling his eyes.

The teasing was good-natured, so Kayla didn’t put a stop to it.

At the house, the two younger girls ran upstairs to the attic bedroom, a place that had enchanted Keri as much as it had DeeDee. Sandy and Alex looked at each other with complicated expressions, then Sandy went to Elizabeth’s sewing room, which had been set aside for her to use.

Kayla sat down with her computer to check emails, but as she was opening her mailbox, Alex came in.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Um...Jackson wanted me to talk to you.”

Jackson had convinced him to open up? Perhaps it was the man-to-man influence he seemed to think was so important. She didn’t care, as long as it happened.

“Sure. What’s on your mind?”

“It’s about why I came to Montana. Jackson says you’ve been really worried and I should tell you the real reason I ran away. The thing is... I guess I wouldn’t have gone if not for the whole adoption thing, but I kind of wanted to, even before Brant blabbed.”

“Were you angry at me?” Kayla asked, trying not to sound defensive. “It’s okay if you are, we just need to figure out what to do.”

“No, it’s Dad. Sometimes I get so mad at him I could just burst.”

Blinking back tears, Kayla nodded. “You’ve never talked about it.”

“You want us to love him.” Alex stopped and she held her breath. “But sometimes I don’t, and that makes me feel rotten, as if there’s something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

How complicated could life get for her kids? It was supposed to be better for them than it had been for her.

“But you’re always saying you love Grandma...your mom, I mean,” Alex said. “And even if I don’t know much about it, I guess it wasn’t very nice for you growing up.”

Swallowing, Kayla thought back to her childhood, when she’d been scared most of the time, and angry, and sad. Alex needed her to be honest, so she began to tell him what it had been like growing up with a clinically depressed alcoholic mother.

His eyes grew wide.

“I loved her,” Kayla concluded, “but I also hated her. I couldn’t understand how she could care more about a drink than me. There were so many times I wanted to leave and never have to think about her again.”

Understanding suddenly dawned on Kayla. She’d wanted to run away, too. Far away. She’d finally left because of Alex, knowing she couldn’t let Carolyn hurt her grandson the way she’d hurt her daughter.

“But you didn’t leave,” Alex said.

“Not until after you were born,” Kayla said slowly. “In the end I decided I couldn’t stop loving her, but I wouldn’t give her the power to bang my heart around. It was as if I had to put up a wall between us to protect myself. I don’t know if that makes sense to you.”

“It does, kind of.”

“I suppose you’ll have to do the same thing with your dad. Try to love him even though he’s got problems, and protect yourself when you have to.”

Alex sighed heavily. “I guess.”

Kayla gave him hug and then looked into his eyes. “So what about Jackson? Can you give him a chance?”

“Jackson is all right. For a while I didn’t want any dad at all, only now I’m kind of mixed-up.”

“You’ll figure it out. Just don’t run away from home again. Okay?”

“Okay.” He suddenly grinned mischievously. “Well, if I do, I’ll ask you to go with me.”

“Brat.”

“Grandma says I’m a lot like you, so I guess that means you’re a brat, too.”

After Alex had gone in to watch baseball with the other kids, Kayla went to find her grandparents. They were in the backyard enjoying the late afternoon.

“Alex just told me more about why he ran away,” she told them, dropping into a chair. The heat spell had eased and it was pleasantly cool in the shade. “I think we’ve passed the hump, even if it’ll take time to work it all out. Lord, divorce is complicated.”

Hank nodded. “I never liked representing clients in a divorce—there’s too much pain involved. But I hope it won’t keep you from looking for someone else to love.”

“You’re just an old romantic,” Kayla tried to tease.

“Guilty as charged.” He lifted his wife’s hand and kissed it while Grams glowed.

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