With other men?
“She seems to hate every minute of it,” Silas said softly. “In case you were torturing yourself.”
He knew me so well.
“I saw her at the Rochefords two nights ago. She’s lost weight, she’s got dark circles under her eyes, she barely talks. I asked around, and while it seems her aunt is hell bent on making Ivy this season’s prize, Ivy is not at all interested. She has not danced once since she’s arrived and has refused most callers.”
How funny. I had hated the idea that she was gallivanting about town, being courted by other men. But I also hated that she was unhappy. I wanted to wrap her in blankets and make her sleep away those dark circles. I wanted to feed her from my fingertips until her flesh became supple and soft again.
“Of course, given this new fortune she’s tied to through her aunt, and—let’s be honest here, Markham—even with the weight loss and the tired look, she is still quite beautiful, she’s become the most talked about girl in town. Who is this new gorgeous girl who is suddenly so rich? And what is the mysterious traged
y that haunts her?”
“Why shouldn’t they talk about her?” I murmured. “She is beautiful. Captivating.”
“Snap out of it,” Silas ordered. “You aren’t a complete martyr yet. And I have some hopeful news for you.”
“What is that?”
“I talked to her. I talked to her for quite a long time. And she is still hopelessly in love with you.”
I looked up, my stomach jumping. “She is?”
“Of course she is, you idiot. But I think she’s frightened of you.”
“God.” My head sank into my hands again. “She should be. What kind of man am I, to do the things I do and expect her to stay devoted to me?”
“Stop wallowing. I’m not finished.” He waited until I looked up at him. “You are pretty terrible, but I think the real problem is that she is frightened of herself. She’s frightened of who she is with you. You may be twisted, but you reveal to her that deep down, she is the same as you. And she is balking at that.”
“She said all that?”
Silas grinned. “Well, not in so many words.”
“It doesn’t matter. She said the same thing to me when she ended our engagement.” I stood up, suddenly too agitated to sit still. “Nothing has changed. She still can’t bear to be with me.”
“No,” Silas said. “She thinks that she’s not supposed to bear being with you. She’s like you, Markham, she’s scared that somehow she’s tainted inside. Evil. But you and I know that’s not the truth. It’s up to you to show her that she already is the kind of woman who can love you, that she already has those tastes and passions peculiar to you, and that nothing about that is evil.”
I stopped by the window, looking out over the street. Silas was right, but I didn’t know that it made a difference. Ivy had made a decision, and even though it would kill me, I loved her enough to abide by it.
“Listen to me,” Silas said, standing to join me. “This is not her saying that she doesn’t love you. This is her saying that she’s scared to.”
“I know all this. But I can’t force her to see that.”
“Who said anything about forcing?” He turned and leaned back against the windowsill so that he was facing me. “Look, I’m just saying that you show her that you are still here, ready and waiting for her if she changes her mind. Show her that your devotion is unabated and that it can actually survive if you two aren’t constantly fucking.”
I frowned. “I don’t like the idea of hovering around, being a menace. She wanted space away from me. Trying to insert myself into her social life to prove that I love her seems like the opposite of what she wants.”
Silas held up his hands. “I’m not talking about stalking her every move. You have standing invitations to most of the places she’s going to, correct? Go there in your own capacity, socialize with your own acquaintances. If she’s there, then ask her if you can dance with her, dine with her, speak with her. Let her know that it’s not a promise, it’s not a contract. It is just your time and company, with no strings attached. If she says no, then you have your answer. But she may say yes.”
“But she may say no.” But then I remembered something just then, something she said when she had left Markham Hall.
I’m not using our signal…
She hadn’t three weeks ago either. And even though that may have been an oversight, I realized that we were still within the boundaries we had set with each other this summer. I was still her teacher, she was still my pupil.
She was still mine.
I lifted my head. Christ, why hadn’t this occurred to me before? I had made it clear that until she had spoken it, our word, then I was free to do with her as I pleased.
