Page 105 of American King (New Camelot Trilogy 3)
“I don’t want to mourn her,” Greer says in a tight voice. But her eyes betray her. “She tried to kill me, she hurt both you and Embry.”
“Greer,” I say, using my Sir-tone so that she’ll listen to me. “Mourning isn’t about missing someone. It’s about reflection. Examining all the places a person affected your life. Mourning isn’t for the dead—it’s for the living.”
She sighs. “Yes, Sir.” But then she looks over at me. “We need you, though. He and I.”
I smile and brush some hair off her forehead. “And you’ll have me, sweetheart. I’ll be in to see him after you, and then you and I will share the rest of the night together. But I think it’s for the best if you two have some time alone.”
And I’m selfish and I want to have you each to myself when I say goodbye.
And I’m scared, and if I have you both with me together tonight, I’m worried I won’t be brave enough to do what I need to do tomorrow.
Greer gives me a kiss on the cheek—sweet, quick, unburdened by the knowledge of what tomorrow will bring. “Will you wait outside?”
“Yes.”
And then the agent opens her door and she walks to the front door of the townhouse and disappears inside. I watch from the car wi
ndow as Embry’s silhouette moves against the glass front of the window, and then I watch as their shadows meet, as Embry’s head drops onto Greer’s shoulder, as Greer holds him, as they finally lift their faces for a kiss I can feel all the way out here in the car.
I smile to myself fondly, a little sadly, as I watch them. It is a strange thing to have jealousy nestled so close to generosity and love, but it is a beautiful thing. It is both haunting and divine that I can take joy in seeing them together, that as I watch them kiss I am brimming over with every good and pure feeling, and at the same time feel fear prick like icy pins along the curve of my heart. The two complement each other, love and fear, hot and cold, light and dark. Perhaps the same algorithms that suit me to kink suit me to loving like this, with the pain too close to the pleasure to tell apart.
I watch my lovers’ shadows move away from the door, and I imagine what they’ll do next. Talk? Slow and awkward, because death makes clumsy speakers of us all? Or will Embry take Greer’s hand and press it against his heart, and in turn she’ll take his hand and press it against where she needs him? Will he drop to his knees and use his mouth under her dress until she cries out? Will she climb onto his lap and ride him with the hard desperation of the grieving?
Because they are both grieving, even if they hated Abilene. No life leaves this world without a ripple, simply erases itself without a trace. Even if Abilene only left behind scars and smoke, those scars have to be tended to before anyone can move on. Especially Embry, with his little boy. Especially Greer, who used to count Abilene as her closest friend.
I lean my head back in my seat and close my eyes for a moment, imagining the two of them together. Remembering the strange new memories Merlin gave to me. In that other life, it was my favorite thing too, to watch them together. To watch Embry tease laughter out of Greer’s mouth, to watch her arguing with him about court politics and crop yields. In that other life, my heart had squeezed just as it does now, with the greatest happiness possible and the greatest jealousy. Because for the two of them I felt an almost God-like love: just that they were alive, just that they existed, was enough to thrill me with measureless joy. That on top of that, they were also happy and in love with each other gave me peace, and because I loved them like I loved nothing and no one else, their happiness was a greater prize than my own.
But like God, I was also jealous of their love, possessive of their hearts. God, I believe is jealous of his people in the purest way, but me—well, then and now, I was jealous because I was afraid. A king, a warrior, a strong man, secretly undone by the fear that those closest to him didn’t love him.
In that other life, I had figured jealousy as the price of the extraordinary love I felt. Who could love as a three, even for years and years, and not still feel the occasional pang of neglect or shame? That didn’t mean I was willing to lose a single moment of their love or loving them, but in this other life, it had meant that I hadn’t thought enough of the future. I hadn’t taken care of the people I loved because it hurt too much to think of them going on together without me, being happy without me.
But that is going to change. This time, in this life, I embrace the jealousy, I embrace the pain, and I let every thorn and burr dig into my skin, and I relish every second of it, because it reminds me that I’m alive and that I can still do the right thing.
And I know what the right thing is for Greer and Embry.
I call Merlin.
“About tomorrow,” I say after he picks up.
“Yes?”
I watch shadows move across the bedroom window on the top floor. “There’s one more thing I need your help with.”
TWO HOURS LATER, Greer steps out of the townhouse with flushed cheeks and messy hair. I open her door, and I can’t help it, the moment she’s inside, I yank her to me and kiss all the sex right off her lips. I lick into her mouth, hungry for her taste, and I run my fingers up her leg to feel that she’s been well-used by Embry.
“God, that turns me on,” she gasps into my mouth. “How you touch where Embry’s been inside me.”
“Mmm,” I say, moving my mouth to her neck to nip at it. “It turns me on too.”
It does, and it does more than turn me on, it makes me love as God loves—unselfishly, eternally. Their pleasure is my own.
“Thank you,” she says. “It was what we needed.” And she lets out a breath that tells me even more than her words, because it’s a breath shaky with hormones and grief. They cried and they fucked. I feel like a doctor who’s watching a compliant patient heal, thanks to his advice.
“He’s ready for you,” she adds.
I give her throat a final kiss and remove my fingers from her cunt, sliding them in her mouth for her to clean. “Will you go home to wait for me or stay here?”
“I’ll go home, I think. But you will be back tonight?”
