Page 27 of Misadventures in Blue
In that I want to feel it again and again and again.
I comb her hair once we leave the shower and then bundle her into a big T-shirt of mine, and we nestle into my bed together. I’m too sated and sleepy and filled with this big new feeling for her to care that my bed is a store-closing-sale mattress on a plain metal frame or that my comforter is an old threadbare thing from my sister’s college days. And Cat doesn’t seem to notice. She just tucks her hands under her cheek like a fairy-tale princess and closes her eyes.
Not good enough.
I wrap an arm around her waist and pull her snug against my chest, allowing her to wriggle a bit so that her backside is pressed against my ever-present erection and her back is to my chest. I tell my dick to settle down, tuck her head under my chin, and completely encase her in my arms.
For a long time, we lie like this in the darkness, breathing together, her feet idly rubbing around my calves, and I think she’s asleep. Until she takes a deep breath and says, “Frazer died at night. In a dingy little house in the bad part of town. The electricity had been shut off at some point, so when I went in, there were no lights on…”
She pauses, tensing in my arms, and I wonder what she’s remembering. What she’s seeing in her mind as she shares her pain with me.
“It was dark and so hard to see, and everything happened so fast. And Frazer—” She stops abruptly, and I guess that’s a part of the story I won’t get. At least not yet.
Another breath. “I shot, but I wasn’t fast enough. It was dark, and I didn’t want to hit the man I was going to marry.”
I squeeze her close, knowing there’s nothing I can say that will fix it.
“It was so stupid of me, but after…everything…I went outside to wait for backup, and there was blood everywhere, just everywhere. And it was starting to dry on my hands in this awful, sticky way, and all I wanted was to wash them, just fucking wash them, because all that blood was supposed to be inside him, not on me, and he was dead and I’d watched him die and it was all over my hands…”
“Cat. Babe.” I hold her tighter, wishing there was some way I could cage her in my arms and keep her safe and free from bad memories forever.
“I did all the mandatory counseling after it happened, all the therapy for PTSD, and I’m fine most of the time. Nearly all of the time, in fact. But there’s something about squeezing the trigger in the dark that makes it all come back.”
I let her words fall back down around us like rain and soak into the ground. Soak back into silence. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed.
But this is something she and I share. Maybe we don’t share an age or the same kind of upbringing, but tragic violence in the course of duty…yes. I know it too.
My voice is tired with experience when I speak. “Knowing you killed someone is hard. Knowing you didn’t kill them fast enough to save someone you care about is even harder.”
She considers this. “Did you kill anyone in the war?”
“Yes.”
“And watched someone you care about die?”
“Yes. Not a fiancé, but a friend. Yes.”
“Oh, Jace.”
I press my lips into her hair. “It’s okay. I did all the counseling too. And it’s still hard, but I’m going to be okay.”
Cat sighs. Rubs her toes on my shins. “I’m going to be okay too.” And then more silence.
This time I think she’s really drifted off, and I’m about to follow her, when she whispers, “Jace?”
“Hmm.”
“Were you going to fuck that girl if I hadn’t shown up?”
I don’t know what it says about me that I’m a little glad she’s still jealous, even though I left that girl in the cold so I could bring Cat home instead. Even though it was Cat who got her hair washed and then had my tongue in her pussy.
But I want her to know the truth. I want her to know where this is going for me. “No, I wasn’t going to fuck her, no matter what happened. She’s a friend’s sister, so I didn’t want to shove her off of me in public and embarrass her, but I planned on letting her know it wasn’t going to happen.”
“Why not?” Cat asks, and she asks it almost like she’s afraid to hear the answer.
“I think you know why not,” I reply. There’s a long pause, and I may not have a ton of experience with delicate talk like this, but I know I’ve gone as far as I can go tonight. “Good night, Cat,” I add softly, and she nestles her nose into my bicep in response.
And this time we really do fall asleep.
