Page 78 of Sweet as Sin (Bad Habit 1)
I cocked a brow.
Nico said, “I want kids.”
Slam! went my heart against my breastbone. My mouth opened. Nothing came out.
“More than just a couple. Four, maybe.”
My voice was a whisper. “You want four kids?”
He nodded.
“With . . . me?”
He looked around the room, then back at me. “You see anyone else here?”
The whites of his eyes were bloodshot, which made the blue of his irises all the more brilliant. He stared at me, waiting, utterly serious. I had a fleeting image of four beautiful dark-haired children running around a park, screaming in glee, as Nico and I watched on, holding hands and smiling.
My heart alternated between wild throbbing and stalling out altogether. I felt a little dizzy.
“I’m tellin’ you this because I’m not gonna waste any more time on anything that isn’t real. Always wanted a family. Not gettin’ any younger. And now that I have you . . . ” he pressed a soft kiss to my lips, “I can’t see any reason to put it off.”
There didn’t seem to be enough air in the room. I was having trouble breathing. Memory was wreaking havoc with my emotions, and I was in danger of either breaking out in tears or throwing up.
“Um . . . can we wait to get started until after I pee?”
I should have learned by now that Nico would see past my attempt at lighthearted evasion. His sleepy gaze sharpened. He lifted to an elbow and hovered above me, searching my face. “What’s wrong?”
I turned away, swallowing hard.
“Kat—”
“Just give me a second,” I whispered, trying desperately to catch my breath. I pulled myself from his arms and sat up abruptly, covering my naked breasts with the sheet. Nico sat up beside me, tense and watchful, his gaze riveted to my face.
Gulping air as I stared out the windows to the city below, I flattened my hand over my heart. I knew I was going to ugly cry—my watering eyes, clamoring heartbeat, and shaking hands attested to that—but I hoped I’d be able to get through the next few minutes without breaking down completely.
I’d never spoken aloud what I was about to tell Nico. Not since it had happened, more than eight years ago. But he’d been so honest with me, risking everything, I had to be completely honest in return.
No matter how much it hurt.
“When I was seventeen, I got pregnant.”
The first of the tears crested my lower lids and spilled down my cheeks. I didn’t bother wiping them away. Beside me, Nico was silent.
“My mother was terminally ill with breast cancer at the time. She was sick a lot after my dad left, but this was different. Watching her die was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. It was brutal. Over the course of a year, she wasted away right in front of my eyes. I was just a kid, with no dad around, no siblings, facing the fact of being totally alone in the world, and I just . . . I just went crazy.” I closed my eyes, the pain of remembering sharp as a blade scraped across every nerve ending. “I had an affair with the school counselor.”
Nico slid his hand up my spine, beneath my hair. He cupped the back of my neck and squeezed. Somehow his support made me feel worse.
“Logically I can look back and understand I was just a scared teenager looking for a father figure, but at the time I thought it was love. Glenn wanted me to have an abortion. I can’t really blame him. If anyone had found out about us, he’d have been fired, probably prosecuted. But I didn’t tell anyone. And because I didn’t want to have an abortion he cut off all contact with me. He quit his job right in the middle of the school year and moved away. I never saw him again.”
Nico muttered, “Motherfucker.”
My laugh was humorless. “Yeah. So there I was, a pregnant minor with a dying mother. I was friendly with the hospice nurse who was taking care of my mom, and confessed my condition to her. I couldn’t tell my mother, of course. Obviously that wasn’t a choice. But the hospice nurse referred me to an adoption agency, and I registered with them.”
My voice kept breaking. Tears streamed down my cheeks, dripping onto my chest. Nico scooted closer to me, wrapping his legs around my hips. He pulled me back against his chest and I rested my head on his shoulder. I kept my eyes on the view, on the beautiful clear sky, focusing only on my next breath.
“I got to decide who the adoptive parents would be. There were a bunch of applicants; I had no idea so many people who wanted babies couldn’t have one of their own. But there was this one couple, Brian and Diana. They were both from big families and always wanted kids, but she couldn’t have any because she’d had cancer. The chemo had put her into early menopause. I decided on them. Because of my mom, and her cancer. I felt as if there was a connection. Like it was meant to be.”
Nico hugged me hard. “That’s beautiful, baby. You did the right thing.”
