Page 56 of Someone to Love

‘No, what’s wrong with the question – we are all sensible adults and can discuss this, can’t we?’ Akki asked.

‘I divorced him,’ Koyal heard herself speak in a clear steady voice that cut through the din of her pounding heart, ‘because with him my life was worse than hell.’

‘Why?’ Akki asked.

‘Um … because … it did not work out,’ Koyal stammered.

‘But why? What did he do?’ Akki persisted. Hema glared at her husband.

‘Just … um…’ Koyal mumbled, uncomfortably rubbing a hand over her forehead, ‘things.’

‘These days, people get a divorce for no reason,’ Akki said. ‘Are you sure you had a valid reason for divorce?’

Atharv stared at Koyal. He noticed how she was wringing her hands, how her eyes were darting everywhere and how a thin sheet of sweat was forming on her brow.

‘I don’t really want to…’ Koyal began bravely, but stopped, startled, when the sound of glass crashing on the floor echoed in the conservatory. Koyal turned around sharply.

Atharv.

He sat there, looking calmly at the mess. He then looked at Koyal and held her gaze for one second more than was needed before getting up to pick up the pieces.

‘I am sorry, the glass slipped from my hand,’ he said in his smooth voice.

‘Let me help you clean up,’ said Hema, only too glad for this distraction. The dog bounded in and general mayhem ensued.

Koyal stole a look at Atharv.

‘One of the safest hands in the world,’ one rather fancy article in a medical journal had described Atharv. One of the safest pairs of hands in the world had just let slip a glass of water.

He helped Hema clean up, chattering effortlessly with her, but Koyal could see that his mind was preoccupied. She caught him looking at her several times that evening, the seriousness on his face allowing Koyal a little window into what was going on in his heart.

Later, he came and stood by her. ‘Are you okay?’ His eyes searched into hers.

‘Yes,’ she said, looking down, uncomfortable under the scrutiny.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked again, softly this time, and Koyal felt tears well up in her eyes.

The most unfortunate thing about memories is that you can’t choose which ones to remember.

Arjun’s questions had brought back the past, and when Koyal sat down in the lounge after dinner, the flashbacks came from nowhere and hit her like an angry storm determined to destroy everything it found in its path.

It was from the time when Amit and Koyal had been unsuccessfully trying for a baby. She had been standing in front of the mirror, doing her hair and had involuntarily shuddered when she had heard the front door bang. Shouting profanities, he came straight for her. He grabbed her by her waist and began to run his hands roughly down her body. She protested, but as always, he ignored her. In a matter of seconds, he had ripped off her dress and was inside her. The sheer humiliation and helplessness she’d felt came back to her as she sat stone-faced in the Chandras’ living room.

‘He is gone. Nothing like that is ever going to happen to you again. You survived the abuse, you will survive the aftermath,’ she mumbled to herself, but it seemed like the floodgates of bad memories had been opened.

‘Believe in yourself. You are greater than any obstacle,’ she muttered, but it did not help.

She looked around helplessly and found Atharv staring intently at her from across the room.

Koyal felt mildly surprised that even as the world seemed to be collapsing around her, she couldn’t help but notice, perhaps clearly for the first time, what a strong, powerful man Atharv had become.

A mad, desperate urge to be in his arms hit Koyal. That was the only place, she knew, where she would feel safe.

The one place she would never find herself in in this life, she said to herself, shaking her head and feeling lonelier than ever before.

Koyal looked away, looked around, as if to find someone else. Someone who would hold her, caress her forehead and tell her that she was okay, that all the horrible things were behind her, that nothing bad would ever happen to her again.

The thing about being strong is that it is exhausting – and Koyal had no energy left.

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