Page 104 of Fade (Fighting Fate)

“Darryl,” I said, sickness creeping into my stomach. “Please. Tell me everything you know. Do you know what happened after the explosion? Did you see him at all?”

Darryl’s gaze slowly found its way back to me. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I couldn’t tell you. It was chaos. Debris went everywhere. I was dragged to safety, while Sarge and Nelson searched for Stephenson. The enemy closed in pretty quick and pushed us back. We tried to hold our ground until he was found, but the women and children were in danger, and we were ordered out.”

He looked down at his shoes, disappointment taking over.

I braced myself. “Do you think there’s any chance he could still be alive?”

Corporal Johns forced his gaze to meet mine again. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you, ma’am.”

Lifting my chin, I pleaded with my eyes. “Tell me,” I said. “Personally, do you think there’s a chance he could still be alive?”

I knew it was a shit question to ask, and an even shittier position to put someone in, but I needed to know.

Corporal Johns struggled before me. “I . . . I really don’t know, ma’am. I think . . . ” His nostrils flared. “Personally, I don’t see how anyone could’ve survived that explosion.”

It was like a knife to my heart. “But you did.”

Slowly, he nodded. “I did.”

Silence fell on us all. I didn’t know what else to say—what else I could possibly ask. It was out there now. Ryan had been saying it for months. And now Daniel’s squad said the same thing. Everyone thought he was gone.

So why couldn’t I?

***

Sitting on the bed in Daniel’s room, I stared without seeing. I felt so empty, so confused and disorientated. Since giving birth, I’d had Mae to focus on—to distract me from everything else. I’d been content with my unwavering belief that Daniel was still alive. I was happy to stubbornly wait until the end of time for him to come back to me.

But what if he really was gone? What if he was never coming back to me? Was that any way to live my life? Forever alone? I knew I’d always have Mae, but was it fair for me to deny her a father figure?

I thought of Ryan. He’d already told me he’d be there for her as long as she needed him. In whatever way I wanted. Deep down, I knew what that meant. So far, I’d just chosen to take it as a nice gesture from a kind uncle.

A light rap on the door brought me out of my thoughts to see the man in question standing in the doorway.

“How are you doing?”

My shoulders sank in defeat. “I don’t know. I feel confused.”

He nodded and walked into the room, lowering himself to sit beside me. Taking my hand, he gave it a gentle squeeze. “You know you don’t have to come up with all the answers right now, don’t you? It’s okay to just give yourself time. To let everything you learned sink in.”

I listened to him carefully. Since the day he’d come to visit me in hospital, he’d been nothing but kind to me. There’d been no more mention of Daniel not coming back. No more pressure to move on at all. He’d simply made himself available to me. Whenever I needed anything.

He’d visited the hospital every chance he got to see Mae, doting on her and buying her anything and everything he thought she might need when she finally came home. And he listened. Any time I needed to talk about Daniel. He listened.

It was Ryan’s change in attitude that made me decide to make the move to live in Daniel’s room. Knowing Mae would be coming home soon, I wanted to be closer to her family. Closer to Daniel. Ryan hadn’t even batted an eyelid when I told him. He just nodded and helped me make it happen.

Squeezing his hand back, I gave him a tired smile. My grip on everything I believed in was slowly starting to slip. I didn’t know what to think anymore. I was tired of constantly having to be so strong. I wanted someone to lean on. Someone to hold me and tell me they’d take the weight.

Just for a little while.

Chapter 56

Daniel

Deployed time: 30 weeks

MIA: 20 weeks

Amy . . . Please forgive me . . . I tried. I love you more than my own life.

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