Page 106 of Fade (Fighting Fate)

Everything is making me so confused lately. I wish I could put my thoughts into words. For both of us. I know I told you I would always wait for you. I want to. But everyone’s telling me you’re gone. That I should let you go. That I’m only hurting all the other people who love you by insisting you’re still alive. But I meant it when I said I would wait for you. You’re my soul mate. How am I supposed to let you go when I know we’re meant to be together? I want someone to tell me what I should do. I love you so much. Please, just come home to me. Come home to us.

Amy xxx

Sitting on the sofa in Susan’s living room, I held Mae gently in my hands. She was still so small. Her little bottom fit perfectly in one hand, while her head fit perfectly in the other. I knew if Daniel were here, she’d probably fit perfectly in just one of his.

“Are you happy to be home?” Amber asked across from me.

Meeting her gaze, I smiled, but it was strained. “Of course.”

She gave me a deadpan look. “Awesome. Now I’ll have the extended version, thanks.”

I sighed. “I really am happy. Knowing she’s healthy enough to come home is a massive relief.” Lowering Mae down into the little carrier on the floor, I straightened. “It’s just tainted, you know? It’s another thing Daniel’s missed out on.”

Amber sat silently and watched me.

“It’s the not knowing that kills you, you know?” I said quietly.

“Explain it to me,” she said. “In what way does it kill you?”

I studied her for a minute. If it was anyone else, I would’ve been offended by the question. But I knew Amber. It was typical for her to ask me the kind of questions that made me challenge the way I thought about things.

Shifting a little with discomfort, I tried to find the answer she was looking for. “Well . . . I guess it’s the not knowing if he’s alive or dead that hurts.”

“Why?” she said, sitting forward. “How would it help you right now if you knew he was dead?”

Her words stung. A lot. I had to hold myself back from yelling at her. Taking a minute to calm myself, I stood and moved over to the window.

“Okay.” Turning, I sat on the arm of the sofa closest to me. “If someone came and told me he was definitely gone, I could stop living in limbo. I could let him go and move on with my life.”

Amber’s head cocked to the side, a look of confusion creasing her brow. “How so? How are you living in limbo?”

Frustration flared. “Because I don’t know if he’s alive or dead!”

She shuffled forward in her seat. “I mean, how would you be living differently if you knew he was gone? How would you ‘move on’? Do you mean that you’d start dating other men? Get remarried?”

My eyes popped. Jesus. “Of course not! That’s not what I mean at all.”

“Well, I didn’t think so, but I can’t think of any other explanation for the meaning of moving on. I just want to know how differently you would be living your life right now if you knew Daniel was never coming back.”

My whole world stilled. Shit.

Mae stirred, a tiny cry cutting through the air between us, but it was Amber who reached for her.

Scooping her up and holding her to her chest, she looked up at me. “I just want you to see it in its most simple form here, Amy. I know you. You’re not the kind of girl who needs to have a man in her life to feel complete. Not knowing if your husband is alive or dead is shit. Immeasurably. But if someone came and told you right now that he’s never coming back, you’re not about to say, ‘Okay, now I know that, I can start moving on with my life and dating me some men,’ are you?”

My breath shook. “No.”

“The real question here is, why the hell are you feeling this way? If you knew Daniel wasn’t coming back, you’d devote yourself to being the best mom you could be, while giving your heart time to heal. Period. That’s how you would live your life. That’s how you’d move on. And what are you doing now?”

Running my hands over my face, I exhaled in a rush. “I don’t know.”

Amber gave me a hard look. “You’re devoting yourself to being the best mom you can be, while giving your heart time to heal. You don’t need to let go of Daniel to do what you’re doing. You just keep doing what you’re already doing.” Placing Mae back down, she came to take my hand. “Babe, trust me, you’ll know if the time ever comes when you need to let Daniel go. You’ll just know, and there won’t be any confusion or guilt. It will just feel right. Until then, just do what you’re doing without apology, and if anyone has a problem with that? Fuck them.”

I didn’t know exactly what it was about her words, or even which ones made sense, but I was suddenly filled with the most peace I’d felt in a very long time. Tears sprang to my eyes.

Grabbing her, I crushed her to me. “Thank you.”

Squeezing me back, I heard her sniffle in my ear. “That’s what best bitches are for, babe. I’ll always have your back.”

---