Page 97 of Fade (Fighting Fate)

He slowly came to the bedside and sank down on the chair closest to the window. The look he gave me was of complete distress. “I’m so sorry, Amy. I can’t help but feel this is my fault. I shouldn’t have said what I said to you. I had no right to do that to you.”

Drawing in a steady breath, I shook my head. “It’s not your fault, Ryan. The doctors think it was some kind of infection that caused it. It would’ve happened either way.”

“Still,” he said, pressing his lips together. “I shouldn’t have said it to you. I know you need to believe Daniel’s still alive. It just killed me to see you so sad. I thought if I could convince you to move on, you’d deal with your grief quicker and I’d get to see you happy again.”

My heart shuddered. “Daniel’s still alive.”

Ryan didn’t reply. He just watched me, assessing me in his usual quiet way.

“He is,” I said, my voice stern yet desperate at the same time.

He nodded slowly. “Okay. I just want you to know, until then, I’m here for you. Whatever you need. Even if it’s just someone to get you more books, or junk food, or Halloween craft. I’m here. Okay?”

I inhaled, my mind trying to find the catch. Not able to see one, I let my shoulders relax. “Okay.”

>

Ryan visibly calmed. “Good. Now tell me, how’s the baby?”

I sighed. “Small. The scans are saying it’s barely one pound. They took me to see babies that would be similar in size if it was born now, and it made me so scared, Ryan. They’re so tiny.”

Shock caused his eyebrows to rise. “Are they saying it could be born now?”

“Any time, really. I’ve had a couple of steroid shots to help the baby’s lungs develop, but the chance of survival is better if I can make it past twenty-eight weeks.”

“How far away is that?”

My shoulders sagged. “Five more weeks.”

“Shit.”

I agreed. It was very shit.

Trying to move on to something a little lighter in topic, I smiled. “Cheesecake would be good . . . ”

Chapter 52

Daniel

Deployed time: 22 weeks

MIA: 12 weeks

Amy, If I had paper and pen, the page would be blank. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I could possibly say to you to make things okay. I know they’re not. I try not to because it just hurts so fucking much, but I think about how you must be feeling every day. I’m so sorry, Princess. I’m so sorry I let you down. Please forgive me.

Daniel.

Early morning sunlight spilled across the room. Soft, white sheets soothed my resting body. Beside me, Amy slept soundly, her hair fanned out over the pillow behind her, colors of brown, copper, and mahogany illuminated by the light.

Behind my closed eyes, I watched her, wanting so desperately to reach out to her, to touch her silky skin, caress her soft curves. But I knew what would happen if I did. I would touch nothing, and my illusion would be shattered.

So I forced myself to lie still. To be content in just watching her, this image I’d managed to dredge up from my too-long-ago memories.

She stirred, her hand coming up to rest on the pillow beside her cheek, a tiny smile touching her full pink lips.

The image was a double-edged sword. It made my heart scream in pain, but it soothed it at the same time. It made me despair that I might not ever experience her like that again, but it gave me strength to keep surviving in the hell in which I was now living. It was pleasure, and it was pain.

I breathed it in, wishing it would be her scent that soaked into my senses instead of the dank depression that constantly attacked my sanity.

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