Page 4 of The Librarian and the Rock Star

– THURSDAY –

4. Too Early For a Mid–Life Crisis

The morning was a blur of short, annoying meetings. I found myself actually disliking some of my coworkers occasionally. They were so intent on keeping things the way they were, whether or not it made any logical sense whatsoever. Good grief, people – I suggested painting the meeting room a slightly deeper, yellower shade of cream. You’d think I was fighting for neon pink and spikes. Shame on me for wanting to create a slightly warmer atmosphere.

By two in the afternoon, I’d had it. Stomping into my office, I threw my blazer over my chair then slumped into it. Cracking open my laptop, I popped in my memory card from yesterday’s lunchtime shoot. My office phone rang, and I ignored it, letting it go to voicemail.

As my photos transferred to my computer, I sent an email to the team, telling them I would be taking a vacation day tomorrow so that I have a long weekend. I had no idea what I would do with the extra time, but I felt like I needed three days off from this place. I don’t want to become a nasty person just because my dreams didn’t turn out to be all flowers and sunshine.

I rescheduled this afternoon’s author chat series planning meeting to two weeks from now, and didn’t even feel guilty about it. The second my files were transferred, I began opening and sorting. I threw all of the most interesting pictures into a separate folder to be cropped and brightened.

Then I stopped. One photo was just a big flare of light, around a dark center, with a few circles of silver near the bottom. It looked like a wristband.

Opening it at full resolution, I examined the picture carefully. It was like the sun was flaring around an obstacle. Oh my goodness, I realized. As I was getting up from my knees in the alley yesterday, I must have accidentally taken one more shot of that guy. Or at least, his fuzzed out silhouette.

I should have asked to take a proper photo of his face. Those eyes, those cheekbones. What a gorgeous creature he was. Calm down Keira , I thought to myself. Just because you’ve been a year without a man doesn’t mean you have to go trolling for weirdos in alleys . Laughing to myself, I printed the photo. It would be a great background for Lizzie.

Perhaps I should have felt guilty about doing personal work on company time, but I didn’t. This place has been sucking the soul out of me, and I was going to enjoy a long weekend of loafing, and perhaps get some distance and perspective from the problem.

Suddenly realizing that this also applied to men, as well as work, I was extra glad to be taking a long weekend. I was obviously going a bit bonkers.

5. Phone Call

When my cell rang at four-fifteen, I debated not answering it. I was looking forward to spending tonight and my three day weekend blissfully alone to recharge, re-organize sections of my little apartment, and have lots of quiet time.

One could argue that as a librarian, most of my time is quiet time, but you would be very surprised.

When I finally received the promotion to head librarian a few months, I could hardly believe it. I was now running the Denson College Library, managing a staff of four. Meetings, technical conferences, wrangling many departments, and budget cutbacks were just some of the strange stresses I had to deal with daily.

I’m not naturally outgoing, and having to deal with groups of people constantly was both nerve-wracking and energy sucking. Beyond that, the work wasn’t what I wanted it to be.

I missed playing detective, hunting for information. I missed the chase. Finding the information that people needed, and helping them use it. But these days it’s nothing but formatting various archival procedures, managing finances, and managing schedules. I don’t mind doing busy work, but when it’s all busy work, with nothing to pique my interest or challenge my brain, I feel like my career is a total waste.

Perhaps I’m having a very early mid-life crisis. Maybe the stress is getting to me, or maybe I need some sort of life shake up. Maybe I’m just lonely. I hate to admit it, even just to myself, but having someone to vent with then cuddle at the end of the day certainly would take the edge off things.

The problem is finding a man who isn’t intimidated by my accidental know-it-all-ism. Someone who loves constantly learning about all sorts of things, and discussing everything from baby goats to monster trucks to psychological studies.

My last boyfriend Collin became extremely annoyed if we discussed anything but him. I need somebody with a more balanced maturity, and who actually looks out for other people as well as himself.

Priding myself on being a well-balanced person, I am somewhat ashamed that I miss the sex. I’v

e never had truly passionate sex, where I was overwhelmed with intensity or saw stars. Sex is the only time I’m totally free from my brain churning and processing. The peace is like a drug, and I always wanted another hit. Even when it wasn’t great, it was adequate at best.

I truly crave physical intimacy, even more than the sex. Cuddling, closeness, familiarity. It’s what makes people click on a deeper level. I’ve only had a few boyfriends – okay, two – and I found that as soon as I slept with them, things changed. With the first, it made things deeper, and we clicked better as a couple. With the second, as soon as he ‘had me’, he stopped trying to impress me, and everything immediately went to hell. I remember desperately wishing that he would be a bit more aggressive with me, to possess me, but I didn’t have the nerve to ask him.

Yet I need that biting, raw sensation where my brain completely checks out. I stayed with Collin a lot longer than I should have, purely for sex, which makes me feel horrid now.

Getting what I think I want and then having it turn out to be crap is an ongoing theme with my life, it seems. Living in Toronto is the only thing that has improved over time, and has never let me down.

So as I saw the phone ring, I genuinely considered not answering it. But the caller ID showed that it was my best friend Sherrie. Reluctantly, I grabbed it and hit the button.

“Hey Sherrie, what’s going on?”

“Oh my God, Keira – you won’t believe it. I found out who the secret band is.”

“What secret band?” I had no idea what Sherrie was talking about when I came to music and bands, which meant I rarely knew what she was talking about at all. She’s the biggest music fan I’ve ever met. Personally, I throw on music streams by genre and enjoy whatever they choose for me. I know quite a bit about music, I just haven’t invested any time into it lately.

“Didn’t you see me ranting online about it yesterday?”

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