Page 158 of Skin In the Game (The BlackWater)

She knew Cole was off before she even got in the car. She’d spent the whole day focusing on the case, not avoiding him exactly but not looking at him when he glanced her way either.

He didn’t say a word to her. Just turned the engine on and they drove off. So she’d sat in silence, waiting for him to speak, but he didn’t.

Had she pissed him off she wondered, had lying about that photo angered him more than she realised? She thought it was Brandon that was pissed about it, not Cole.

She followed him in, he held the door and met her eyes with a hard look and she swallowed but still said nothing. If he was pissed, if he was angry then he was going to have to say it, she thought.

She wanted a drink, she realised, and she walked into the kitchen and saw him there as if waiting for her.

She narrowed her eyes, suddenly nervous but hiding it.

“How many more secrets do you have?” He asked her and she shook her head.

“It’s not like that. I’m not intentionally keeping things from you. Besides I answered your questions the other night.” She said.

“Ones that I knew to ask.” He stated.

“Fine then, ask me more. Ask me whatever you want Cole.” She snapped.

“What else are you hiding?” He retorted.

“What?”

“What else don’t I know about you?” He asked.

“You know everything. Everything of importance.” She stated.

“You say that but how can I believe you?”

“I haven’t lied to you. I may not have gone into detail but I’ve never lied.”

He narrowed his eyes like he wasn’t convinced. She sighed going to make a coffee and he watched her silently before she passed him a mug.

“At what point did you expect me to tell you Cole?” She asked him back and he frowned. “From the start you made it clear what you wanted, how it was going to be. I’m your plaything remember. This was all on your terms.”

“If I’d have known…”

“What? You would have treated me differently? Been less aggressive? Less domineering? No thanks, I don’t want that, I don’t need that.”

He watched her for a moment and she dropped her gaze as if she couldn’t take the hardness in his eyes.

“Maddie what do you think this is between us?” He asked her bluntly.

She swallowed, feeling her stomach jerk. Shit, she thought, because suddenly this conversation had taken a turn she didn’t expect, a turn she wasn’t ready for.

“Cole…” She began because she wasn’t ready for this, didn’t want to do this, not now, not after the conversation she’d already had with him and Brandon.

“Answer me Maddie.” He ordered.

She sighed. “I don’t know.” She admitted. “It was just sex at first but now I just…” She shrugged falling silent.

“Want to know what I think?” He asked and she nodded not taking her eyes from him but wanting to run then, wanting to flee and hide.

“It’s never just been sex. It’s never just been a bit of fun.” He stated.

Shit, she thought and she shut her eyes trying to process it. Trying to fight the urge to run right out the room and not stop running.

“Cole…” She began.

“That’s really what you’ve seen it as, this whole time?” He asked and she shook her head.

“Let me talk. Let me explain.” She snapped feeling her heart now thumping so loudly she thought he might hear it too.

“Go on then Maddie. Explain it.” He replied his voice cold, hard.

“I like you, I do. What we have is good but I don’t know if I can give you more. If I’m capable of giving more.” She said and he frowned.

“What are you talking about?” He replied and she could hear both the confusion and irritation in his voice.

She ran her hands through her hair trying to formulate the words as well as the courage to explain it.

“I’m not capable of love.” She stated and he shook his head giving her a look like she was mad. “It’s true. It’s a psychological thing. People learn how to love in early childhood, but if you don’t experience it, if all you experience is trauma then your brain doesn’t develop the pathways, it doesn’t learn that emotion.”

“Who told you that?” He asked and she sighed.

“It’s true. You can look it up if you want. I’ve never been in love. I’ve never even come close to it.”

“So what are you saying that you can’t love?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know how.” She said quietly.

He frowned again staring at her and Maddie could tell he thought she was crazy, actually crazy.

She shut her eyes. She knew it was going to go like this, as soon as she opened her mouth, as soon as she tried to explain it she knew he’d think she was crazy, she thought.

She needed to get out of there, to get away from Cole and the look on his face. She felt sick, dirty too as if somehow what she was, who she was contagious.

“I should go.” She said.

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