Page 116 of Party Girl: How a Naughty Omega Finds Love
“It’s okay. These things will happen. As much as it sucks, it’s part of recovery.”
I press my lips together and work on setting the chicken in the frying pan. “Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get better.”
Avi’s quiet for a moment. “I know what you mean.”
And the truth is, he does. He’s experienced memories so powerful they rip you from this moment and thrust you into the past, forcing you to relive every horrifying second in excruciating detail.
“I hate her.” I wash my hands and grab a towel, drying them and tossing the fabric on the counter.
“She deserves it, but you also deserve to let go of the emotions.” Avi moves back to the fridge and grabs two beers. I take the one he hands me but I don’t drink it. I’m still too keyed up from the panic attack to drink. Alcohol will only make me feel more out of control, and I’m worried I’ll freak out again.
There are only so many times a woman can freak out in front of the men she’s attracted to before it starts to bruise the ego. And to think once upon a time I considered myself strong. I haven’t felt very much strength around these men.
The broccoli and rice timer dings. I set the beer down and sigh.
I turn off the oven and the timer. “There’s too much emotion. Even if I tried to let it go, I don’t think I’d stop being angry.”
“I’m not saying you have to stop being angry, but you should try working through some of those traumatic events, so at least they lose some power. Right now, they’re so strong because you repress them.”
“So, what? I don’t have a therapist I can trust, and I wouldn’t be able to leave even if I did have one.”
“My experience is different from yours, but I think some of the same techniques I’m learning in therapy and class could help you…” He trails off, not forcing the methods on me unless I give him permission.
Staring at the chicken frying in the pan, I exhale. “Tell me what to do.”
“Whatever you do, you have to understand it’s your decision and it might not work. Therapy isn’t one size fits all.”
“I get it.” I glance at him, imploring him to see that I’m ready. “What does the doctor order?”
He smiles a little at the nickname. “Well, there are a few things. Some are small, some are a little more intense. The easiest is to talk to your inner child. Basically imagine you as you were when you were little and tell her what happened wasn’t what she deserved. Give her the love you never got.”
“Okay. That’s easy enough.”
“Right. There are going to be some emotions you may not be prepared for. Basically be ready to cry.” He laughs and shakes his head. “I did some work on silly things like bullies, but it still helped me realize those kids were jerks, and I wasn’t any of the things they said I was. My family moved to Dolin, and I was the only kid with a heavy accent in my class. They were pretty nasty about it sometimes. So much so that I worked to get rid of the accent and sound like everyone else. Now it seems dumb. I changed who I was to escape their comments.”
“Bullies aren’t silly.”
He nods and changes the subject. “So yeah, that’s a good place to start. When you’re feeling strong, you can think about some of those things that happened and try to see them as an external party. Detach yourself from the event and point out all the things that are wrong with your abuser. Explain to yourself why what they did was wrong and that no matter what you may have done to set them off, their loss of control wasn’t your fault.”
Grabbing tongs from the drawer, I adjust the temperature on the chicken and flip them over. “And when I start to panic?”
“Remember the breathing. You may find the first few times hard, but if you keep trying, keep relaxing your body and detaching yourself from the moment, you should be able to replay those memories and sort of heal yourself from the inside.”
“And this works?”
He shrugs. “A lot of therapists do something that’s similar. Since you can’t go see one, this is the do-it-yourself fix. I think the biggest thing is to take it slow and if it doesn’t work or feel right, don’t do it again. If you don’t like working through it alone, maybe we can find a way for you to talk to a therapist. I had a hard time working through my own trauma, and you have a lot more to process. The first time I had an intense session with my therapist, I came home and crawled into bed.”
“So am I traumatizing myself to process my trauma? That sounds counterproductive.” I glance at him over my shoulder.
“No. Think of it more like how you feel after a good cry. The strange sense of relief that comes once you let it all out… it’s sort of like that.”
“I’m surprised you’ve cried hard enough to know that feeling.”
“Crying is an essential part of the human experience.”
“Now you sound like a doctor.”
He laughs and sips his beer. “Thanks for humoring me. You do whatever you’re ready for, or nothing at all. It’s your decision. I only want to share what’s helped me.” He walks over and eases his arms around my waist, hugging me.
