Page 54 of Then Came Love
JAX HAD A full-on war raging in his head as he drove Jordan home. He was glad he’d had only one cocktail, because Jillian was right. The connection between him and Jordan was bigger and more powerful than he was, and he really needed to keep his head on straight. But she was wrong about him doing something stupid. Honesty was never stupid, and life was too short to play games. As he parked in her driveway, screenshots of their time together flashed in his head of the long conversations in which she’d lain her heart bare. The tears, laughter, and intensely intimate moments were underscored by images of her radiating happiness as she sang her heart out on that stage. But on the heels of those images was the agony in her voice as she’d said she couldn’t kiss him and the heaviness in the air around them now, burying them in silence.
He climbed out of the car and grabbed her bag from the trunk, trying to figure out how to navigate this thorny terrain. She took his hand as she stepped from the car, and her agonized gaze hit him like a knife to the chest. He drew her into his arms, and as she clung to him, two things became crystal clear. He never wanted to cause her pain again, and if she could look him in the eye and tell him she didn’t feel about him the way he felt about her, he’d hand the design process over to his sister and get the hell out of town, because that was the only way he’d survive walking away.
Neither said a word as he walked her to the door, and then he couldn’t hold back and said, “Jordan—” at the same time she said his name. “Go ahead, sweetheart.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you come with me today.”
Yes, you should have. You should be with me every day.“Then why did you?”
“Because I like being with you. I’m happy when we’re together, and even when we’re not, just thinking about you makes me happy. I’ve had the greatest week of my life, but we were doing things for my wedding, and I thought about you a heck of a lot more than I thought about Todd, and that’s wrong on so many levels.”
“Doesn’t that tell you something?”
“Yes. That I’m royally screwed up. But I’ve felt alone for so long, and since you came into my life, I never feel that way. You make me feel seen and heard and special. You listen like you care, and—”
“That’s because I do care, and I see the real you. Every bit of you.” He stepped closer and took her hand. “I know you might never feel whole if you don’t get answers about Casey. I also know you might never find them, and you deserve to be with someone who can be there for you and with you as you grieve her absence.”
Tears welled in her eyes. “See? This is exactly what I was talking about. I don’t have to pretend with you. You don’t just see me. You accept me for who I am, even if I have a big black hole inside me. I just wanted more of that, but I can’t have it, and it’s not fair to lead you on.”
“Why can’t you have it?”
“Because I made a promise to the person who was there for me when I needed someone a long time ago.” She waved her left hand.
“But where is he now, Jordan?”
“It doesn’t matter where he is. This is about me, and I’m not the kind of person who leads a guy on or has to remind myself that I shouldn’t think about kissing another man every time we’re together.”
“Then don’t go through with it. Don’t walk down the aisle to a man who can’t even find the time to see you. He hasn’t reached out to you once in all the time we’ve spent together. I don’t have to tell you what that tells me.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks.
“Talk to me, Jordan. Why did you really put off your wedding four times? Was it scheduling issues or something else?”
She clamped her mouth shut, her lower lip trembling.
“What are you afraid of, sweetheart?”
“Everything” fell shakily from her lips.
He held her hand between both of his and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. “Then let me help you get past the fear. I have been crazy about you since the first time we met, when you came into my office and tried to convince me that you were marrying the man of your dreams. I think we both knew even then that you were wrong, because you were looking him in the eye as you said it.”
She tugged her hand free. “This is all so messed up.”
“Tell me you don’t feel for me what you know I feel for you, and I will walk away and never come back.” Don’t say it, Jordan. You know you won’t mean it.
More tears sprang free. “I can’t do this. I have to get my head on straight. I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should see each other for a while.”
“Jordan—”
“No, please.” She dug her keys out of her purse and fumbled with the lock. “Just let me go.”
Jax felt his heart ripping to shreds as she went inside and closed the door behind her. He stared at the dove door knocker, the symbol of hope bringing another spear to his chest. How was he supposed to walk away when everything he wanted was right behind that door?
