Page 58 of Cuffed By Love

Why domen insist on saying one thing and doing another? What is that? Do they like, get pulled aside in school and get taught tactics on how to successfully screw up and confuse the shit out of us females? I get it, Dev and me; we have a history, so certain things do come naturally to us, it's mostly out of habit, but as a man who is supposedly so in love with his girl, he’s awfully touchy and flirty and don’t even get me started with the way he stares into my eyes.

Am I reading too much into his actions here? What even are we? Are we friends again? Or are we just two people who were once friends but now are only associates? This is what he does to my head. I was getting on with my life just fine before he showed up. One measly week in, and my emotions are running amuck, and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I’m allowing myself to get drawn into how things used to be with us, and I don’t like it.

I spend the better half of the night tossing and turning, the neurotic voice in my head whispering the same questions again and again.

What does it matter what you are, Mira? He has a girlfriend who he just told you he’s in love with? You’ll only ever be ‘Tinks’ to him. He’ll never see you as anything more than his childhood friend.

Yes, but try conveying that to my foolish heart. I’m so conflicted, and being around him every minute of every day isn’t helping these asinine feelings I’ve got resurfacing. It’s confusing me further. I’m crushing on him. That’s all it is, an innocent crush.

God, why can’t I just switch them off? Everything would be so much easier then. I have to shut these feelings off before they get out of hand, and I do something really stupid and reckless and fall for him. That cannot happen. I won’t let it because having feelings for him is wrong, and eventually, he’s going to leave, and I’ll be damned if I put myself through all that heartache again. Losing him the first time was devastating enough. I don’t think I could do it again. I still remember the anguish like it was yesterday.

Nine Years earlier…

Summer 2011

The morning after Dev and I slept together. I woke up with the biggest smile on my face. My insides were fluttering like crazy. A bubble of excitement and nervousness had my entire body tingling from head to toe. Every hair on my body was up on end as though they were just as elated as I was. Despite the dull ache between my legs, I woke up happier than I have been in a long time. I had sex, and it was with Dev. I couldn’t believe it. Those whispered words while he made love to me was something I would cherish forever. “I’m nobody’s but yours,” Dev whispered as we lay together after, our limbs still entwined, connected as one, breathless, sweaty and kissing leisurely while our quivering bodies quietened.

I roll over in bed, expecting to find him beside me, still asleep, but he wasn’t there. I lean upon my elbow and look around my bedroom. “Dev?” I call out, straining my ears to see if I can hear any noises coming from anywhere in the house. Dead silent. I slip out of bed and pull on my pink robe to cover my naked body. I still when my eyes catch the bright red bloodstains smeared on the white bedsheet. There it was, the proof staring me back in the face that last night wasn’t my imagination. It wasn’t a dream. If the blood on the sheets wasn’t enough to convince me, then my lady bits ached enough to compel me to believe it was indeed very real, and that means…he left.

I searched the house for him and came up empty. He really did leave without a word. I rush back up to my bedroom to check my phone to see if he called, if there were any messages from him but saw texts from Ayla telling me she’ll be back at midday and my parents checking in.

The joy I felt earlier drains away, leaving me feeling utterly numb in its wake. I move over to the window and pry my blinds open a little so that I could look at his window, but his blinds were down. I let go of the blinds and slowly walk over to my bed. Tears blur my vision. I rack my brain trying to come up with a feasible explanation as to why he would take off without a word after we spent the most incredible night together. Did he regret it? All those whispered promises…did he just feed me what I wanted to hear so he could get laid? I sink to the floor beside my bed when my knees shake in warning before they give way on me.

What have I done?

The back of my eyelids sting and prickle before they’re drowned in tears. I’m not entirely sure how long I sat there numbly staring ahead, tears falling freely and endlessly from my eyes. Images of us from the night before flash slowly and painfully through my mind's eye as I sat there pathetically listing reasons that would justify him sneaking off on me.

Maybe there was an emergency? But then he would have told me. Perhaps he panicked and is having reservations about what happened, and he needs time to process, and he’ll call or come over later to talk and explain.

I truly hope that would be the case because any other alternative would utterly devastate me, and I wasn’t sure how to even begin to process losing Devin. So, I waited.

Hours went by without a word from him, no calls, no texts, nothing. I tried to distract myself, but my mind refused to focus on anything else. I was going stir crazy, pacing back and forth, checking my phone every second. I stood staring out of my window at his, waiting to see if he’ll come out at all so that I could get a glimpse of him but got nothing. That ache deep in my heart felt like it was suffocating me. I angrily ripped the sheets off my bed and tossed them into the trash to eradicate the traces of infamy I felt every time I looked at them. I almost burned them but didn’t want to risk burning the damn house down.

I almost marched over there in a rage to demand a goddamn explanation but managed to talk myself out of it. Luckily Ayla came home, and I didn’t want her to know what happened. She’d go over and rip him a new one.

I was too ashamed to tell anyone about what I did. I foolishly fell for Devin King’s charms and willingly and thoughtlessly served myself up to him. That was my second mistake. My first was trusting him. I don’t know what I was expecting would happen.

Was I hoping that he would make some grand gesture and ask me to be his girlfriend and we’d live happily ever after? Not in my life. But I never in a million years expected this, and from Devin, that’s what’s hurting me the most. That he would do this to me. Putting aside the fact that we just lost our virginities to one another, but does our friendship mean so little to him?

I could have called him, but I was terrified of the prospect of him ignoring my calls. Also, my wounded pride stopped me from falling down that rabbit hole. Instead, I packed up a bag to go and spend the night with my cousin at my aunt's place. I was going stir crazy sitting around waiting for him to come over or call. I desperately needed a distraction and to get away.

“Mimi, are you okay?” Ayla questioned while she drove me over to my aunt's house. I nod silently while I stare out of the window, willing myself not to cry. I spend the evening with my cousin Ashley who is the same age as me. I was there with her physically, but my mind and heart were both still with Devin. I hoped by getting away, I wouldn’t think about him or what we did, but it was all I could think about. I wondered if he was thinking about me too or if he felt anything at all. An ounce of guilt maybe, or was he just getting on with his evening, playing PlayStation with his friends and bragging about him no longer being a virgin, soaking up the glory at my expense.

I spent two days at my aunt's place, and after much deliberating, I finally managed to convince myself to go and talk to him when I got back home. I need answers, and not knowing is driving me insane. I walk into my house to drop off my overnight bag before heading over to Dev’s place. “Mimi, you’re home. How was your sleepover, sweetheart?” My mother calls out from the kitchen.

“It was fine, mum,” I tell her hurriedly.

“Are you hungry? I’m making fajitas. It’s your favourite.” I shake my head when my stomach constricts at the mere thought of eating anything. My nerves were eating away at me.

“No, thank you, I’m not hungry. I’m going over to Dev’s. I’ll be back later.” I say and walk toward the door but stop when I hear my mother calling me.

“Dev? Mira, wait.” My mother walks over to me, wiping her hands on a cloth, a look of confusion on her face. “Sweetheart, Devin’s not home. They left yesterday morning.” It was my turn to look at her, confused.

“What are you talking about? Left? Left to go where?” I question, perplexed, and my mother sighs sullenly, her brown eyes identical to mine rake over my face.

“Sweetheart, didn’t Devin tell you?”

“Tell me what?” I ask, and my mother gives me an apologetic look.

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