Page 72 of Perfect Guy

“We don’t know that.” I shake my head, my tears soaking his shirt. My body rocks with fear and grief and anger. It wasn’t so long ago that I had sent him a message, and he responded. A couple of hours, maybe.

But even I know that things can change in the blink of an eye when you’re a first responder. I feel weak, my legs shaky. I push back, drop my hands to my knees, and throw up.

“Fuck,” Levi murmurs. He holds my hair and rubs circles across my back.

After I finish dry heaving, I straighten my body but feel my legs wobble.

“Come on…” He guides me to his truck and opens the door. Levi helps me into the vehicle and scans my face.

“How are you?” It’s a loaded question. One I don’t have a response to. Maybe I’m dreaming. I’ll wake up from this nightmare and have a call from Canaan waiting for me.

“Madelyn?” My eyes focus on him, and I blink. His eyebrows are furrowed.

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I want to see him.” I’m not giving up on that.

“You won’t be able to tonight. We don’t know the extent of his injuries.” His words don’t help me feel better.

“If he dies and I didn’t get to say goodbye, I’ll never forgive myself.” I break down, covering my face with my hands and sobbing.

“Shh…” Levi hugs me. “He won’t die. He’s strong.” I shake my head, tears staining my palms.

“You don’t know that.”

“I know that you don’t deserve that, and neither does he. You deserve to be happy, not live through such a big loss.”

That only makes me cry more. I don’t know how much time passes, but eventually, Wilder, Hallie, and Camille find us. Wilder hands me a water bottle that I gratefully take. I don’t know where they were. I can’t imagine Hallie was inside Pony Up this entire time. When I face her, she’s as heartbroken as I am.

“Let’s go home,” Wilder’s voice sounds far away.

They mumble something I can’t make out. Hallie and Camille sit in the back with me. Hallie drops her head on my shoulder and hugs me.

“This will pass,” she whispers.

I hope she’s right. However, no words of comfort are enough right now. I’m heartbroken and terrified. I can’t lose Canaan like this. I won’t survive it. All these years of having him so close and never realizing what he would come to mean to me. Not telling him how I really feel, doubting if it’s love because we haven’t been together for months. So many regrets are filling me.

I’d do anything for him. I’d give anything to have him safe at the fire station, that accident a figment of our imagination.

I wish I could look at my phone and have one of those silly jokes waiting to make me laugh. I wish I could hug him and kiss him right now. I’d tell him I love him, that he’s my person. I need him to know that. I need to be there to tell him, have him feel me near him.

I cry out in the truck and feel Camille hug me, too. Levi turns around, and his concerned eyes stare into my tear-filled ones. He whispers something to Wilder, who nods silently.

Everything feels heavy—my body, my mind, my heart. When we make it to the house, my parents are up in the living room waiting for us. Instantly, my mom wraps her arms around me and holds me as I break down. Words spoken around me are background noise as I find consolation in my mom. It’s useless, though. I feel despondent.

I’m breaking apart, needing to know what the hell is happening. Needing some kind of information, a spark of hope that he’s okay. That maybe this accident wasn’t as bad as it seemed, blown out of proportion.

I’m seated on the couch, my mom still holding me. She runs a hand down my back, humming to me. It all feels surreal. It also feels final.

I refuse to believe this is how it all ends. This won’t be the way my story with Canaan ends. He won’t become a memory in my life.

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