Page 68 of Merciless

“Yeah. He’s way too hung up on Caterina to fall for any other woman.”

Caterina Mancini, the one that got away. God, that’s a brutal story, one of the worst of Cristian’s life.

“Then, what’s with your reaction? The glare? The intensity? You chugging your scotch?”

He smiles, but it’s bittersweet and more than a little pained. “Just brings it all slamming home to me.”

Well, this isn’t what I expected. I shift on the couch to face him head on. “What’s that?”

He blows out a breath. “He’s been there for you through a whole lot. As your ally, your advisor, your confidant.”

“Of course, he’s my friend of almost twenty years.”

“When I left, you were very new friends. And now… it’s way more. So much has changed. I wasn’t there for any of it, Char. I wasn’t there for my daughter, for the club, for Ax, for you. I lost two decades of my life forced into hiding. It was supposed to be to protect everybody connected to me. But, in reality, it was for nothing. My wife died anyway. Kim later on too. Ax suffered so much. Roxana grew up bitter and became a dangerous woman mixed in so deep with my world, a world I never wanted her being a part of. Skinner almost killed her. And you, just hearing you talk like that to Cavalno, it’s clear you’ve been through the wringer too. Nobody was better off with me going to ground.” He shoves himself to his feet and gestures around angrily. “And now, here I am again, at a safehouse, pulling myself off the grid for some threat.”

I push off the couch and walk to him. He stills as I take his hands. “Stop.” I hold him to me, and he gazes down at me, the pain in his eyes cutting into me more than I like, more than I’m ever comfortable with. “We discussed it before you went to ground and it was the optimal strategy given the situation, which was pretty much no-win. You did what you thought you had to do, what was right, to try to protect the people you loved. There’s nothing shameful about that. You shouldn’t regret it either. Nobody can predict the future, there’s no way you could’ve seen any of the rest of it coming. Besides, you returned at the right time to school Ax, save Black Thorns from crumbling, and to comfort your daughter in the fallout of that Devil’s Mavericks attack. You did more than could ever be expected given the limitations of the situation. Also remember, you may have missed a lot, but you’ve been there for a lot too. Your daughter’s wedding, throughout her pregnancy, the birth of your granddaughter, supporting and protecting Black Thorns.”

His hands squeeze mine. “Just weren’t there for you.”

“Well, I made myself unavailable, unreachable.”

“You made sure I couldn’t find you.”

I frown as I realize there’s no question in his tone. He’s certain of it.

“You’re not surprised?”

“I get it, Char. What you and me had was a lot. But it was years ago, yeah? I get you not wanting to rock the boat for just some far-fetched possibility that we might be able to pick up where we left off, that feelings and shit hadn’t changed between us.”

“Well, that choice to stay away from you was taken away by the Gatekeepers, right? And, it’s clear to me now that things aren’t as far-fetched as I worried about when it comes to you.” I don’t like being vulnerable. But, at the same time, these are things that have been eating me alive and just churning me up inside and ruling my mind far too much for my liking, so they need to be expelled. And, deep down, at the heart of it all, I guess, I need him to know.

So I force myself to speak my truth, telling him, “Nothing between us, nothing about the way I felt about you back then has lessened, Cal. It’s still as intense as ever, still as undeniable. It’s worse this time, really.”

“Worse? How?”

“You’re unattached now. There are no obstacles standing between us. The way is open.”

“There is still one obstacle.”

“What’s that?”

“The one thing you never liked to even acknowledge. You.” He folds his arms across his chest and eyes me intensely. “Your whole hang-up about being controlled. Well, we both know it’s more than a hang-up. It’s a hardcore fear of yours, having your freedom and ability to come and go as you please compromised in any way. When I was running with the club, an official member—President, actually, making it worse in your eyes—you saw me as a major threat to that.”

“For good reason.”

“How’s that exactly?”

“Looking at the other women in your life who came before me? The evidence was right there. Let’s not forget the treatment of the Old Ladies by the respective members of your club back then too. Pushed off to the sidelines, seen as club property.”

“I ain’t denying the way they were treated. But back then, Char. Back then. Years ago. Things are different now. A whole lot of the reason for that changing is actually due to Roxana and Ax, the way their relationship’s set a precedent for the others. Besides, you wanna talk evidence? I ain’t never treated you like that. Never given you a reason to think I wanted to control you or clip your wings in any way.”

That has me scoffing. “Really? How about this recent bullshit? Keeping me out of your strategy, trying to force me to stand down.”

“That weren’t about control. It was about what was best for the situation. I thought I explained that.”

“Why didn’t you let me in on the plan in the first place?”

He pinches the bridge of his nose, his frustration clear. “Because you figured I’d gone soft. After that, it was a tall order getting you to buy my real plan. And let’s not forget how single-minded you are when you latch onto a threat to your power, something that Priest is in a major way.”

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