Page 69 of Bedded by a Playboy

He wanted to touch her, to pull her into his arms and bury his face in her hair. He wanted to make the horrible memory of what he’d said and done just go away. But he knew he couldn’t. Seeing the anguish in her eyes only made him remember the ugly scene more clearly. She was probably remembering it, too. He had to make it right, even if it meant exposing himself to the kind of heartache he’d struggled so hard his whole life to avoid.

No way could he look at her while he did it, though. He walked back over to the window, plunging his fists deep into his pockets. ‘Before you told me you were pregnant, I’d already decided I had to let you go. And it was killing me.’

‘What do you mean, you’d decided?’ He could hear the anger in her voice. ‘But I thought you…’

Monroe swung round, but she’d gone silent, and very still. Beneath the bright light of temper in her eyes, Monroe could see the dark flush of embarrassment, humiliation.

The guilt swamped him.

She’d opened herself up to him, had been honest and forthright about her feelings, while he’d been secretive and cowardly, hoarding his emotions like a miser scared to let go of his loot.

He forced himself to walk back across the room, sit beside her. She straightened, but didn’t move away.

‘Jess, I can’t keep saying I’m sorry. What I want to do is tell you the truth.’ He reached for her hands, held on when she tried to tug them out of his grasp.

‘You said you wouldn’t touch me. You promised.’ Her voice quivered.

He stroked the limp palms with his thumbs and looked into her eyes. ‘Don’t cry, Red. I can’t stand it.’

‘I’m not crying.’ She sniffed as the first tear fell.

‘I love you so much, Red.’ There, at last, he’d said it.

‘What?’ She pulled her hands out of his, brushed at her eyes.

‘It scared me to death,’ he said. ‘That’s why I let you say it and I never said it back.’

‘You can’t say this now, Monroe. I won’t let you.’ He had to admire the steel in her eyes. ‘I don’t believe you.’

He touched his forehead to hers briefly. ‘I know you don’t, Jess. And I don’t blame you. But it’s the truth, I swear.’

Somehow Jessie found the strength to stand up, to step away from him. ‘If you loved me you never would have said those things to me.’ Her voice hitched. How dared he tell her this now, when it was too late? ‘If you loved me, Monroe, why did you never ever say it to me?’ Just thinking about how he had rejected her in so many subtle ways brought the anger back. ‘I told you how I felt and I waited like an idiot for you to say it back, but you never did. It was always, “Sure, baby,” or, “That’s nice,” or some other lame response. You made my feelings seem silly and immature.’

He stood up. She took another step back.

‘I didn’t say it because I couldn’t,’ he said quietly.

‘Why couldn’t you?’ She could feel the tears running down her cheeks now, but she didn’t stop to brush them away. Why should she feel ashamed of them?

‘Jess, no one had ever loved me before the way you did. My mother hated my guts, Linc cared about me, but there was always so much guilt and responsibility between us. No woman I’d ever slept with had meant much more to me than a good lay. I treated them nice when I was with them, but I never missed them when I moved on. With you, right from the start, it was different. The way you turned me on. The way you responded to me. Your honesty, your openness. You never held anything back. You told me you loved me and I was…’ he paused ‘…I was stunned. I knew I didn’t deserve you and knowing I couldn’t keep you was destroying me. If I’d have told you how I felt, it would have just made it harder to let you go.’

‘If you couldn’t tell me you loved me—if you knew there was no future—why did you still make love to me?’

He stopped dead, and his faced flushed.

‘Every time we made love, Monroe, you were pulling me in deeper. You must have known that.’

‘I did, I guess. I figured it was something I could give you back.’

Could it get any more humiliating than this? she thought. ‘So now you’re saying I was some kind of mercy lay.’

‘Jess.’ He tried to grab her arm but she spun away. ‘I couldn’t keep my hands off you. You weren’t a mercy lay, it was the best sex I’d ever had in my life. When I figured out the reason why, that I was in love with you, it only made it worse. Because I knew it was going to hurt us both when I had to let you go.’

Jessie frowned. ‘Why do you keep saying that? Why would you have to let me go? What are you talking about?’

His face was rigid with frustration. ‘Isn’t it obvious? What the hell could I offer you? I was an ex-con, no fixed abode. Living off my brother’s charity like some damn deadbeat. Your dream is to have kids, a family, a home. All I could give you was good sex.’

‘Whoa! Hang on just a minute.’ She held up her hand. He actually believed what he was saying, she could see it in his eyes, beneath the anger, the frustration. ‘You’re serious about this?’

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