Page 52 of The Crush Next Door

Thirty Seconds to Mars

After that meal, Josh became a regular for Sunday dinner. He adored my grandparents, and they adored him right back. Honestly, they might have even loved him more than me, their own freaking grandchild.

But the cutest thing was when Josh tried to speak Italian to them, and they shared a secret smile with me because his accent was atrocious. It was hilarious. He definitely deserved an "A" for effort, though. At least he tried.

And the best part was their unwavering encouragement and support for our new venture—the podcast. I didn't want them to listen to it because sometimes we swore or made lewd references, and I'd be mortified if they heard any of that. Josh and I sure could use the listeners, but I wasn't that desperate to ask them.

I didn't want my mom to listen either. I'd be okay with my brother Ryan hearing, but he was off the grid leading a Sierra Club expedition in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Maybe when he returned in a few weeks, I'd ask him... if we were still going that is.

Breaking big in the podcast world was proving to be a difficult task. I asked Josh a few times if he was ready to give up, but he always said no. And I was glad. I wasn't ready to give up either.

So we kept at it, both of us stubborn and determined to keep forging ahead. And both of us also held out on that very first bet we'd made. Even though it nearly killed me, I hadn't bought any new flip-flops since that fateful day. And apparently, Josh had been successful at staying celibate.

Part of me thought about introducing him to some of my hottest friends, getting them drunk, and leaving them to hopefully hook up because, damn it, there was the cutest pair of flip-flops at this little clothing store by the pier. And it was freaking torture whenever I walked by them.

But I couldn't lose yet another bet to Josh. I'd already lost three. Three! What the heck? So this one, I had to win. I mean, how long could Josh possibly be celibate?

While I wanted him to lose, the thought of him being with some girl kind of made me sick. It was just ew. It just wasn't right... which I knew wasn't fair of me to think. Josh was single. He could hook up with anyone he wanted to be with. So I wasn't sure why I had that feeling.

If I was being honest with myself—which was the hardest thing to do—in those moments before sleep hit, my mind wandered, and I thought things that I didn't dare think during the daytime. I could barely admit it, and I felt like the worst person in the world, but I had just the slightest bit of feelings for Josh.

Ugh, I hated myself. What kind of fiancée was I? How hurtful would that be to Devon if he knew that? I'd be destroyed if it happened in reverse. Absolutely destroyed.

Devon and I were so perfect for each other. How could I have even an inkling of feelings for someone else? It didn't make sense.

One late night, I even googled it to see what I could find, to see if other people had gone through something similar. And sure enough, it was common for people in relationships to develop crushes on other people.

Okay, whew.

It was what you did about the crush that mattered... whether you let it drift into emotional affair territory or even further. Hopefully, I was safe with that. Sure, I'd confided in Josh and we talked quite a bit.

But he'd been the only one to believe me, and I couldn't help feeling a gush of sentiment regarding that.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Was I having some kind of emotional affair with Josh?

I had no fucking idea.

I began to research that, and what I saw made absolute sense. Emotional affairs were usually because a need in the other relationship wasn't being met.

Well, duh. With Devon so far away, many of my needs weren't being met. And with Josh being the first person in three years to actually believe me and support me regarding my dad, well, no wonder I had an eensy crush on him.

Not to mention the guy was incredibly good-looking with a body to die for.

So knowing all this, in the days and weeks that followed, I tried to erect an invisible barrier between us, keeping tight control on my thoughts and feelings, not letting myself check out his naked chest, turning my thoughts back to Devon if I even found myself thinking about Josh.

It was all temporary. I loved Devon. He was perfect for me. Just this whole absence thing drove me crazy.

I was also getting frustrated about my professional life... or lack of one. My job with Dr. Haute just wasn't the same without Anaya. And while I was thrilled for her and how well she was doing both professionally and personally, the front desk was dull and didn't fulfill me in any way whatsoever.

Even the strange calls weren't as fun anymore. I mean, my new co-worker didn't even laugh when I hung up the phone and told her that a woman just asked if we could remove her nose completely because she wanted to scare people. Come on!

That one I didn't even need to ask Dr. Haute about. I knew it would be a no. And by the way, I referred her to Dr. Haute's favorite therapist.

The podcast was the only thing keeping me sane. We were starting to get some positive comments from people who loved our banter and our knowledge.

But I wanted more. Josh and I were both greedy for more because apparently, he loved the podcast as much as I did. I couldn't even imagine my life if this was all I did work-wise. How amazing would that be?

I wanted desperately for this dream to come true.

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